I heard that a whole lot when Riley was a baby. The tilt of the head. The tut-tutting. The look that not just spoke but screamed, it’s a mistake. And then that simple sentence. ‘You’ll never do that with your second child.’ I guess the theory being that it’s all well and good to spoil an only child rotten but when it comes to more than that you’ll run out of the time, energy and inclination. Which is a fair point. Because on days like yesterday when I am mid toddler meltdown in the waiting room, I have a headache from ‘but why?’ being repeated every 5 seconds and I can literally feel myself scarring poor unsuspecting first-time mothers with each passing second, I often think. Two?! I can barely handle one. Although to be fair, the second won’t be able to move or talk for a long while. A fact vastly under-valued in babies in my opinion.
And given I’m just about to have my second (1-5 weeks depending on how keen the little one is on making their grand entrance) it’s about high time that I say some things that I might have to retract later. Because if I don’t give this baby the opportunity to make an ass out of me, well I’m hardly doing my job as a mother, am I? So here it is – the list of things that apparently I would never do with my second child, according to everyone who felt the need to voice an opinion when Riley was a baby. I have a good memory, baby brain or no baby brain.
1) You just have to let them cry. It’s good for them. It doesn’t hurt. You’ll realise it’s the best way.
2) Breast might be best, but you have to get them on the bottle as soon as possible, otherwise it’s just hard work.
3) You won’t be letting a second baby sleep in your bed for that long
4) It can’t be comfortable carrying them around in a sling. Isn’t she too big for it?
5) You won’t rock your second baby. They have to get used to going to sleep on their own
To which I have only one thing to say to all of the above: watch me.
However there are a few things that I know I will do differently that I could not relate to at all as a first-time mother:
1) I will forget how many weeks my baby is. I often forget how pregnant I am.
2) I will not be able to tell you how much they weigh on any given week.
3) I will not be feeling guilty about feeding to sleep, rocking to sleep or really any method of getting to sleep.
4) I highly doubt I will undertake the same level of baby proofing
5) I hope that I will be less of a stress-head, but this is me we are talking about. I won’t go making promises I can’t keep.
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the only thing i will say for sure is: you won’t take as many photos of your second, or be as organised about getting them printed/put in photo albums.
but how oh how is bottle feeding ‘easier’ than breast?
good luck! xt
ps. still patting no. 2 to sleep (and she’s 7!!!). some bubs/kids just need that more than others.
I still don’t have any photo albums. Which is slightly odd given the amount of photos I’ve taken! I loved the fact that when breastfeeding was established and easy that I didn’t have to get out of bed in the middle of the night.
The other “You’ll never do that with your second child” I got was You’ll never use cloth nappies with your second child…You’ll learn to use a dummy instead of letting them suck their thumbs…
And the thing that irks me about the whole bottle-feeding is easier thing is that it is clearly not! You have to clean up the bottles, heat up the bottles, prepare the formula and REMEMBER to take it with you… Some people just don’t think!
I don’t understand what the aversion to thumb sucking is *says the former thumb sucker* – surely it’s easier than a dummy?
I agree.. you never going to lose it and it is always on hand! (haha!)
The only thing I say I’d do differently next time is relax about it all more. I set myself such tight restrictions the first time around, and then worried when it didn’t all work to plan. With number two, I’d hope to just go with it more.
I agree. I’d hope to be able to follow my instincts a little bit more and worry a little bit less
Number two is even more fun than number one. I think the fact the you KNOW ‘this too shall pass’ means you can get on with things without worrying that you are scarring your child for life. One step at a time. x
Knowing that I managed to keep one alive and relatively unscathed for the last three years will give me a whole lot more confidence with number two
I did a lot more of those things with my second child only because he was different from my first, he needed to he rocked to sleep, he wouldn’t take a bottle, I rarely let him cry ( in fear he’d wake my first born). Sure I might not have changed his shirt right away if he got a bit of spit up on it, & I probably didn’t bathe him every single day. In the end it came down to what his needs were & I still proudly fulfill the needs of both my boys no matter how different they are.
I’m sure that given that this time around I bought a hammock and a rocking chair my second will probably have a rocking aversion and just want to sleep in a cot.
I indulged myself with my second, I rocked her to sleep, breast fed her to sleep, let her sleep on me, in the sling, in my bed. I loved every precious minute whereas first time around I felt bad for doing things that people told me I shouldn’t. Good lesson learned!
Isn’t that the best thing about having a baby – the guilt-free indulgence? That will be my way of thinking this time anyway!
all the best for you and the baby and child number one.i think those people who knew it all (and know YOU and your children obviously..?) will find something new to announce to the world. It’s true though some things lose their drama and importance even a few weeks/months/years into motherhood of only one and you would never have thought you would change that much.
)
we change with them – i think it’s great!
(friend asking me Tornado’s birth weight and height the other day. geez. he is 5! he must have been around 15 cm and half a kilo ? i seriously have NO idea anymore. But he now writes his name
Thank you
This is why I have a blog in the first place, because I just don’t retain details. At all.
my one piece of advice, dont let anyone EVER make you feel guilty about your choices with feeding, sleeping etc. i was made to feel extremely guilty by so called family friends for not breast feeding. and not breastfeeding, wasnt by choice, i had bad milk and my kids were feeding every 45mins, and i just couldnt cope. best of luck when your bundle does arrive.
I did ALL those things lovingly with my first and second child, and now I have baby number three I am indulging in constantly nursing him, rocking him to sleep and cuddling him. They are only that little once and it is a mothers god given right to hand out as many cuddles as they can manage!!
Jen
http://shimistore.blogspot.com/
I’m down with maximum cuddles. And I don’t mind having my toddler and my baby in the bed at the same time. I still like it when the toddler comes in to our room in the wee hours of the morning for extra snuggles.
Thanks Michelle. I’m sorry people were guilt-happy with you. It’s hard enough without adding insult to injury!
Some thoughts from a fairly new mother of two:1. You will let them cry occassionally, not because you suddenly believe its good for them but because you have no other option or because you need your old child to know that they haven’t been forgotten.
Ditto point 5.
As for babyproofing, you’ll babyproof MORE because all of a sudden you have dangerous toddler toys that can be choked on. That said, we did absolutely zero baby proofing for #1 so it’s not hard for us to be doing more – more than nothing is something!
You might still take as many photos, I have.
It’s definitely a whole lot easier second time round, in my experience but the sleep exhaustion is worse because the first born is old enough to understand that you are cranky and that sucks big time!
xx
Toddler is already wandering around some days saying ‘cranky, mummy?’ they learn far too quickly.
And it’s not to say that Riley never cried. A few times I was exhausted enough to sleep through some of her crying! But I didn’t use it as a sleep-training technique and wouldn’t second time around either.
I can so see the benefit of a playpen as far as baby proofing is concerned!
Nodding madly here!
And laughed al
Nodding madly here!
And laughed aloud at point 3, nearly waking my third and fourth children sleeping next to me, and having only lost the second to her own room in the past year ;D
A woman after my own heart
I heard that “let them cry it’s good for them” too.But I can’t stand a baby crying, wanting me for something, anything. There’s no way I could let mine cry. So I didn’t. And you know what? They cried a lot less than other babies around at the time. They were happy, sociable, good eaters and good sleepers. I didn’t rock them to sleep either. They were happy enough to lie in the bassinet or cot until they fell asleep. Of course if they were wide awake I didn’t try making them nap just for some me time, or because the baby books and other mums were saying they should be napping “x” hours per day. I would just put them on a blanket on the floor with things to look at and reach for and they’d be happy. Sometimes they’d fall asleep there so I’d cover them with a blanket.
Ignoring what ‘they’ say is always good advice. Riley would only ever go to sleep being rocked apart from the odd occasion when she’d fall asleep on her own, at least until she was about a year anyway. But I didn’t mind – although I was relieved when it changed at a year – she was starting to get heavy!
I actually got more gentle between my first & second – I never let my 2nd cry, for a long time. And you will be just fine nursing your 2nd as long as you want – that’s so crazy that people would tell you that! It will be busy, but you will parent that 2nd child, just like you did Riley. I think keeping your 2nd in a sling makes life 100 times easier – Natalie was either nursing or in a wrap for the first 4 months of her life it seemed like.
That way you have 2 hands free to focus on Riley & housework & everything else. 
Also, I love your comment about babyproofing because really – babyproofing with a toddler in the house is completely impossible – the toddler is always getting something down & leaving something around for the baby to choke on – it is crazy & I just pray every day that my daughter will survive!! 
And really when I think about it alot of the baby proofing we did with Riley was less about her safety and more about minimising mess. So I had covers over the bookshelves so she wouldn’t pull everything off. I’m more used to chaos now!
I agree with MultipleMum, and Louisa makes a good point. Your attention will be divided in two: there is only so much of you that can go around. I think this makes everyone more resilient, including mum who learns to not overthink things.The one thing I will add is if you plan on breastfeeding as long as possible with baby no 2, make sure you get heaps of rest. I found it hard to maintain my supplies with babies no.2 and no. 3 (despite being a “cow” with no. 1) simply because there is not as much opportunity to rest and replenish when you are running around after a toddler/running a household. I cannot emphasise this enough (I had 3 in 4 years).
Good luck with the final weeks of your pregnancy.
Love it Zoey – I got the same thing: people telling me how differently (read: less molley-coddling) I’ll do things with baby two.And maybe it was because they said those things that I was so determined I’d be just as hands-on with Number Two and make sure she is just as loving/clingy/won’t sleep in her own bed and Baby Number One!
I’m glad I’m not the only one who took those statements on board!
Very true! I’m nothing if not stubborn to a fault
Thank you – I hadn’t really thought about that with breastfeeding. But it is true – I spent a whole lot of time sleeping when Riley was little (aside from sneaking in showers and the odd meal). I’ll have my husband home for about 4 weeks but after that I’ll have to pace myself.
… and another ‘thing’ i didn’t do with my second? i didn’t FORCE her to keep doing something she didn’t like because i thought i would be a ‘bad Mum’ if i let her quit (SO sorry about those swimming classes, buddy). Miss7 has drifted in and out of things she likes to do, but i have found she returns to what she really likes, and i’ve saved a fortune on unused fees! xt
Great idea! Sometimes tunnel vision kicks in and before you know it you are both miserable!
Love it!1. Well my 2nd cried, only cause hubby worked at night and I had to get my first to bed – so bedtime stories for him often involved my daughter in her bassinet crying just cause I couldn’t do it any other way!
2. Ahh getting my daughter onto a bottle was the end of breastfeeding for me….she self-weaned at 14 months (I was so sad, fed my son until 22 months) as she had a bottle for childcare and liked that better!
3. My daughter (2nd child) slept in my bed much more than my son. With my son it just wasn’t an option (we never considered it) but many nights my daughter comes in around 11pm for the rest of the night. Whilst she still wants cuddles with Mum Im all for it!
4. My nearly 2 year old still goes in the Ergo…brilliant invention!
5. Of course your 2nd baby will be rocked..if that’s what they want, that’s what you do. With your 2nd child you are even more tired than with your first, so you do whatever works!
I’m pretty sure the problem with my assumptions about my second is that I’m assuming they’ll have exactly the same preferences as my first did, instead of being completely different (much more likely)!
So not true. First, second… The only thing that has changed is that I handle tantrums much better. Otherwise, let them cry? No way. Bottle? Too hard, still breastfeeding my 22-month-old. You won’t let them sleep in your bed? Well, that bit might be true, technically I am sleeping in her bed. Sling saved my sanity and no, my daughter doesn’t go to sleep on her own.
My sling came with an instructional dvd. I haven’t watched it yet – but I better get going because I’ll have to figure it out soon!
Isnt that the amazing thing about parenthood – EVERYONE has an opinion on what you are doing and apparently are not adverse to the sound of their own voice, hence the constant barrage of views being forced down your throat.
If and when second time happens for me I’d like to wear a big sign that says “If I havent asked for your advice then please kindly F$&k Off!”
There’s a cottage industry in those t-shirts – I’m just sure of it!
Man, the presumption of people! I never got questioned on the way we raised our kids, not by our family or friends, so the things people have the gall to say really shocks me.
We did (or didn’t do) all those things with our second kid too.
I like your list of things you’ll do differently. Mine was similar, though I could tell you what my second weighed on any given day until he was about 6 weeks old due to my milk supply issues.
It is astounding what flies out of people’s mouths – even relative strangers!
I’ve been wondering & thinking about the same things. I’m also having the sense that this pregnancy is flying by much faster & more unremarked than the first. And I feel much more relaxed going into this next baby — less guilty & pressured and more willing to follow my baby’s cues. I think it will be all right.
We might need to babyproof more, though, because we didn’t really do much of anything with Mikko, who was not all that adventurous. Hopefully we’ll have a similarly indifferent second child?
I love your “watch me” response. I’ve got the same attitude!
I had to laugh at this post. It’s just like before you have kids, you say you will do x with them, won’t do x with them, blah blah BLAH. Until you have kids, you have no right to say what you will or won’t do b/c a we all know, everything goes out the window the second that precious bundle arrives. And I can’t help it, I find myself THINKING things when friends have their first, things like “Oh you shouldn’t do that…” but I don’t say it. My son didn’t learn to go to sleep on his own until after 2 years old. He was in bed with us for at least the first year. It wreaked havoc on my marriage, and I can’t tell you how many times I woke up frozen in fear that he was suffocated. There’s a lot of things I’ve said I won’t do if (when hopefully) we have another. But I’m sure just as the first, that will all go out the window once a bub comes along.I found it easier to just lie – “Yes he sleeps through the night” “Yes, he feeds beautifully” “No he doesn’t cry when we put him in the cot” “No we NEVER let him in our bed.” You know what? In a few years they won’t want cuddles, won’t want to be in our beds, and won’t want much to do with us at all. Soak them up while you can I say. I look forward to following along with your new addition!