After last year’s conference I was decidedly deflated. It can be hard to hold on to your sense of self and identity when you are surrounded by so much awesome. And let’s face it sometimes you are surrounded by people who are far more successful and far more talented than yourself. Sometimes it is inspiring and sometimes it seems futile. And last year I felt a bit of both.
After four days away (with room service!) it can also be a bit of a shock to the system to be back to reality where I actually have to clean and cook and do all manner of menial tasks that let’s just say I can feel myself dragging my feet through. What I really loved about this year was how generous and friendly everyone was. And more than that, how relaxed I was about just going up and talking to whoever. I didn’t feel socially paralysed like I did through most of last year’s conference and I was able to just have fun. A whole lot of fun.
And I guess the blogging part can be hard too. This year it’s not because I’m deflated or because I feel insignificant. This year I took with me so much more of a sense of self and my own identity that I didn’t shrink in the presence of other people who’s blogs were bigger, or more poetic or more sought after or funnier or more purposeful. All the things about me and my blog are that way because that’s the way I made them. And I am proud of that. But it is because I think I poured so much into the speech. In some ways, I feel like everything I could ever want to say I injected in there. And really, what is left after that?
And I know that there is plenty left after that. But right now it feels like I emptied out my soul onto a page. It didn’t make me feel empty. It made me feel whole. But it did make me stationary. Not moving until I know what direction is the path I should take. Right now the words are holding me in place and they are saying just wait. Wait until you know even your bones are sure. Don’t move out of routine or memory or predictability or necessity. Just wait. Because just maybe it is time to take one of those great giant leaps of faith. And you can still wait, even when you are free falling.