Act Like a Child

Posted on September 18, 2011 5 Comments

Somedays it seems like things seem to snowball against you. Like this morning, up before 5. Which is rarely a good sign, especially when I’m woken up by a tantruming child. Somehow when I wake up on my own before 5 instead of being actually woken up I’m less tired. But this morning I was tired.
I made Riley porridge for breakfast. She had another tantrum and pushed the table in such a way that the porridge went flying. I took a very deep breath or two. And asked her to clean it up. She wouldn’t but I persisted and we cleaned it up together. She then asked for more porridge. I made it again and this time she ate it. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason as to why this porridge was ok and the last batch was so abhorrent.

But her earlier tantrum had woken up Piper and so I spent the next half hour getting her back to sleep. All before a shower or coffee. Not good. And the kind of thing that can turn your day pretty bad pretty quick.

Until I remember one thing. It’s only a bad day if I let it be a bad day. One of the things I really admire about children is they don’t hold on to anything. Once something is over, it’s over. I don’t need to hold on to the memory of the porridge incident for the rest of the day waiting for something else to go wrong. I can just let it go. Because if I don’t I might miss all the things that make the day an awesome one.

 

© Copyright

A Question of Tantrums

Posted on March 6, 2011 14 Comments

According to my host, there is only one question that I’ve been searched under this month:

“is it wrong to discipline your kids why or why not. also what should you do when your child throws a fit? how do you solve the problem using love and logic”

Given that I have written on Super Parents about the 10 Things I Won’t Discipline and Code Name Mama’s guest post on my site – Terrible Twos (and Two Parenting Strategies to Replace Them) is consistently my most popular post I thought I would devote some time to what discipline looks like around here and particularly exorcist-style tantrums courtesy of the toddler.

In a nutshell, things I do discipline with my almost three year old are safety issues (why is she still obsessed with power outlets?), hurting others, disrespecting property and being respectful. Things that are on my do not discipline list are crying, tantrums, not eating, being noisy (and/or annoying) and saying no.

Tantrums are a form of expression, sometimes the only form of expression for a toddler who just doesn’t have the ability to control their emotions. There are a whole heap of inappropriate forms of expression within the tantrum. Most of them embarrassing. Like the hitting, kicking and biting. But the tantrum itself as a way of expressing tiredness, being overwhelmed or just being plain angry or frustrated.

And admittedly when tantrums went from mild to exorcist I was at a bit of a loss as to what to do. Riley had always been a pretty laid back child in the tantrum department and the hitting, kicking, biting and blood-curdling scream incarnation of herself was a little jarring. Not to mention, I wasn’t sure how I could teach her that the tantrum in and of itself was ok, but the more aggressive behaviours were not. This is why I like babies. You don’t have to discipline babies. They might have no respect for your sleeping needs, hygiene needs or personal space but they are a whole lot less pressure.

Trial and Error. Every parent’s best friend. And my best friend led me to . . .

1) Stay calm. When I’m not calm, I fake it. When I can’t fake it I give myself a time out. Of course, sometimes I still lose my cool. I’m a human, after all.

2) Time in. While the tantrum is unfolding in all its glory we sit down together until she’s ready to talk about things calmly. Sometimes I have to give her a little bit of space outside of kicking distance.

3) Something else to hit. To get all that frustration out, a drum can come in handy.

4) A joke is worth a go. If I can get her to laugh it will all be over rather quickly. For some reason, Riley finds her snot amusing. Once she’s screamed enough to create said snot, a keen observation on my part leads to giggles. Game over.

5) Tantrums are embarrassing. Unfortunately tantrums don’t just happen in the sweet, sweet privacy of your own home. They happen in public, in front of people. As much as possible I remove the toddler to an area where her blood curdling screams are least likely to annoy, but there’s only so much you can do. Sometimes you just have to try to stare the judgey mcjudgey people down with a look that says ‘a tiny human I grew is screaming blue murder at me, what makes you think a stranger giving me a dirty look is going to affect me’

For me, an allowance in the tantrum arena is all part of a bigger picture. Empowering children to say no. Letting them say, I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I don’t like you right now or I don’t want to be tickled or hugged or kissed or touched or I’m not in the mood for that game. It doesn’t always mean that they get their way, but they get to be heard and they get a very good reason as to why something is happening. Defiance is healthy. Defiance is the beginning of letting children know that their personhood, their preferences and their bodies are respected.

‘

Pages: ‘, ‘after’ => ‘

‘, ‘next_or_number’ => ‘number’)); ?>

© Copyright

112/365 Thank You, Swimming

Posted on December 1, 2010 Leave a Comment


It’s no secret that my little munchkin has been a little bit emotional of late and just a teensy bit tantrum happy. And while I don’t see that changing any time soon and I feel much better for knowing that it’s a developmental stage and not something that I’m doing wrong, every now and then it’s nice to have a wee little break.

In this case I don’t mean an actual, physical break. But every now and then the routine goes just right and it just makes everything easy.

Once upon a time, Riley would always fall asleep after swimming (at around midday) and have a nice long 3-4 hour nap in the afternoon. But as she’s gotten older, she hasn’t been as sleepy and it’s not unusual for her to skip naps most days. She still needs a nap but once it’s after 2 it’s just too late to put her down without her being up half the night.

But yesterday after I had taken a very enthusiastic creature to swimming (with only about three tantrums along the way) she crashed in the car and slept for two hours once we got home. Which made for a very easy afternoon, particularly since she wasn’t grumpy for a change.

Unfortunately it didn’t stop the bedtime drama because of her gripping fear about the dark – but that’s another story.

‘Pages: ‘, ‘after’ => ‘
‘, ‘next_or_number’ => ‘number’)); ?>

© Copyright

Oh Hello, Terrible Twos

Posted on November 24, 2010 21 Comments


I didn’t think the ‘terrible’ twos were that bad. That is until last week when I realised that this was because they hadn’t started yet.

The last few weeks have been high maintenance city. I have to watch her do everything, and instead of being quite happy to play for periods of time on her own before, that’s all over. I’m constantly being yelled at to play with the ball, chase her, play hide and seek, push her on the swing – all of which are fun things to do but I would like a discernible break in between sometimes. Not to mention the temper tantrums that have kicked up a few gears. It could be for something as simple as her wanting to watch tv, me saying yes and the show that she happens to want to watch not being on.

I don’t know what happened to my child, seriously. I hope it’s a phase. I’m clinging to that. Here is my first vlog attempt. I know. Next time I will attempt to actually look at the camera. It’s harder than it seems.

First Vlog Attempt from Zoey Martin on Vimeo.

.

The only thing that I can think of really is that now that she can fully articulate what she wants she’s having just a little trouble working out why in the world she doesn’t get it instantly. And with a bit of time and a bit of consistency she’ll stop resembling something out of the exorcist.

I live in hope anyway!

‘

Pages: ‘, ‘after’ => ‘

‘, ‘next_or_number’ => ‘number’)); ?>

© Copyright

38/365 The Purple Patch

Posted on July 11, 2010 9 Comments

'Camera!, Click!' Thanks Diego
I’m probably jinxing myself right now. This very second, I am probably shooting myself in the foot. Because I haven’t seen any trace of the ‘terrible twos’ in awhile. Home life has been great fun. There are always going to be tantrums and defiance – it’s the nature of having an independent spirit. But they’ve been few and far between lately.

So for now, I’m enjoying this period. Which is joyful, playful and yes, even easy. Now I’ll sit back and wait for the parenting gods to strike me down.

‘

Pages: ‘, ‘after’ => ‘

‘, ‘next_or_number’ => ‘number’)); ?>

© Copyright

The Push and Pull of Independence

Posted on June 29, 2010 16 Comments


‘I love you. I need you. Don’t touch me. Don’t help me. And please, don’t even look at me the wrong way’.

That seems to be the message I’m getting from Miss Riley at the moment. She craves her independence with a fiery passion. And yet, at times she cannot bare to be separate, or on her own. And sometimes her frustration with some of her physical abilities threatens to overwhelm her entire being.

I read this beautiful post by Kelly Diels about how sometimes ‘I’m scared’ really means I need you. And it resonated with me, for where we are at the moment.

She spent all of Sunday rejecting all touches, glances and closeness where I was concerned. It’s not unusual. Whenever Josh gets up with her in the morning, she’s his for the day. Which is lovely. And it’s not personal, she’s just a one person kind of girl. Of course, all bets were off when it came time to sleep. My presence was required. And even when she seemed asleep, she would call out for me to come back in and be with her.

It’s a challenging period of time, for her and for me. On a bad day it feels like she’s screaming blue murder at me all day for trying to help when she wants to go it alone or for not being able to include her in every little thing that I do or just because something falls out of her vice-like grip or . . . and the list goes on. And then in the afternoon and at night she strongly resembles a barnacle. On a bad day, my head hurts from the yelling and screaming and crying.

My solution? Ride it out. It’s worked surprisingly well in the past. And on a good day, we are back to smiles and kisses and new words, giving me just enough strength to withstand the next round.

Today was a good day. Even with a morning of meltdowns. And all it took was her trundling out into the kitchen after her nap – arm’s outstretched – ‘I’m back!’

‘

Pages: ‘, ‘after’ => ‘

‘, ‘next_or_number’ => ‘number’)); ?>

© Copyright

Supermarket Meltdown

Posted on April 23, 2010 24 Comments


We had our first full-blown supermarket meltdown today.

You wouldn’t think it to look at her. She looks all zen and serene and peaceful here. Like she could give Ghandi a run for his money.

She’s always been a pretty good shopper. She’s usually so excited to be out and about that it’s rare for her to have a tantrum or lose the plot when we’re out. That sort of thing is usually a special treat for her mama when we are home alone.

Lately, the supermarket has become somewhat more challenging. Her father Someone let her ride in the actual trolley instead of sitting in the seat. She’s now obsessed with that and will throw a royal wobbly if you attempt to put her in the seat. I have two options in this situation. If I have unlimited time, I will sit with her until she’s calm enough to hop in the seat or if I don’t have time, I’ll let her ride in the damn trolley – I mean what’s the harm, really? As you can see, my consistency as a parent is off to an awesome start.

Predictably, she wanted to ride in the trolley today. I didn’t have that much shopping to do, so I popped her in there and tried to convince her that she needed to hold on, rather than pretending to be an airplane.

My first mistake was pausing for a bit too long at the end of the aisle. She saw some chocolate easter bunnies on sale. My second mistake was to put a couple of the aforementioned easter bunnies in the trolley because ‘they were a bargain’. As soon as she was in grabby distance of the bunnies it was on. Full blown tantrum in the middle of the supermarket. I had to carry her on my hip for most of it whilst pushing a shopping trolley that hasn’t had a wheel alignment since 1976. For a period of time I was able to distract her by getting her to push the trolley for me. But always the alluring foil of the bunnies would catch her eye and it would start again.

By the time we got to the checkout, I had her sitting down in the main part of the trolley playing with my wallet and a good portion of the change slipping out on to the floor. She was still a bit teary and her face was red and puffy. I caught a few looks of judgy-mc-judgyness thrown my way.

I looked at the closest judgy person square in the eye and gave her a look that I hope said ‘If it takes me letting my teething daughter sitting in the bottom of the trolley, playing with my wallet and money falling out the bottom, for her to be as happy as she can possibly be in this situation, that’s what I’m going to do.’

I hope she got the message.

Honestly, people pick the most irrelevant things to determine your worth as a parent: tantrums and sleep. I define my worth as a parent by play, tickles, cuddles, stories and sensitivity.

By the time we got home she’d completely forgotten about the bunnies. They’re both still sitting on the kitchen counter.

filed in

‘

Pages: ‘, ‘after’ => ‘

‘, ‘next_or_number’ => ‘number’)); ?>


© Copyright

Discipline and the Mighty Toddler

Posted on October 30, 2009 12 Comments
Riley is nearly 18 months old and I’m yet to come across a situation that would require even an early form of discipline. Some of the mothers’ in our play group are already using time outs or a slap on the hand. I don’t believe in any form of slapping/smacking/threat of either as a way of discipline myself and have heard that it is ineffective anyway. Although I’m so against it I doubt I would use it even if it did work. I agree with MomHouston that most of the time distraction is the way to go. Is it just me or is 18 months too early for time outs?
The Raspberry Maker

I couldn’t really think of something that would warrant a time-out anyway. It’s not that she doesn’t have tantrums (she does!) but I don’t think it’s right to discipline her for what is essentially a form of self expression. So I address the tantrums that need addressing (tired tantrums – straight to bed; frustrated tantrums -help her out) and ignore/distract/ignore the I’m-not-getting-my-way-and-I’m-really-steamed-about-it tantrums.

And although there are things that I wish she wouldn’t do (switch off the television at the powerpoint, empty the kitchen cupboards) – they’re things that I have to teach her. And let’s face it if letting her pull out the containers in the kitchen cupboard gives me the time to make some dinner/do some dishes it’s totally worth it.

Maybe I’m deluding myself and I’ll end up with an unruly child – but I just don’t see it.

Sometimes I give myself a time-out – now that is something that I can see the benefit in.

Update

I recently received a comment about this post which led me to re-read what I had written. The commenter noted that I may have been being disloyal to my mothers group in my post (above). As someone who prides myself on loyalty I took this seriously, asked other peoples opinions and discussed it with trusted family members.

I can see on re-reading my words that it sounds very different on the page than it did in my head and I can see how it appears to be dismissive and judgemental.

On the page, me saying “Some of the mothers’ in our play group are already using time outs or a slap on the hand”and “Is it just me or is 18 months too early for time outs?” are two statements that most definitely sound like I’m being negative, judgemental and critical about parents using discipline with 18 month olds.

However, in my head, the narrative went something like this:

Other parents are disciplining their child. Should I be disciplining my child? I should probably be disciplining her. What should I be disciplining her for? I can’t think of anything that would warrant discipline. Am I being too permissive? Would she understand it if I did put her in time out? I don’t want to discipline her unless she’s actually being naughty. She’s not being naughty. Is that normal?

It obviously didn’t translate like that on the page. This may be the perils of quickly writing posts at midnight. If I was re-writing I would pick my words more carefully and say what I wanted to say which is discipline is too early for my 18 month old based on her behaviour and temperment.

As this post was written over a month ago, we have now progressed to discipline. At the moment I’m using a version of time outs but I want to read Alfie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting before I commit to a discipline style.

It was important for me to clarify this because I love, respect and admire every single woman in my mothers group. Between moving to a different area and not meeting people/making friends easily I’m positive that if it weren’t for my mothers group I’d be a blubbering mess in the corner by now. I may have a very strong opinion about discipline (among other things – I have a strong opinion about EVERYTHING – it’s one of my more annoying qualities) but it doesn’t stop me from respecting other peoples different choices. And although it may not have seemed like it, this post had far more to do with my own insecurities about discipline than anything else.

© Copyright

Tuning out the noise . . .

Posted on August 3, 2009 2 Comments

I was never very good at keeping my mouth shut about anything, although post-baby this is a skill that I am apparently honing. When I was pregnant it amazed me how many people believed that they were entitled to have a say in what I should/should not do/eat/drink etc. and if anything that gets much more intense once the little bundle is born.
Exhibit A:

In response to myself mentioning to a work colleague that I was breastfeeding (Riley was 10 months at the time): “oh no, you have to get them on the bottle early so they get used to it.” At this point I’m thinking to myself I don’t know how people can be bothered with the whole bottle/formula thing because it seems to me so much more complicated. But I manage a more polite version of this at the time.

Exhibit B:

5973_120864878104_648753104_2357191_3422604_nI was at the park the other day with Riley, who has entered tantrum stage in a big way. It gets worse whenever we are around increased number of people because I have to remove her from certain situations which usually ends in tears – mainly because she finds it deeply offensive for me to do anything for her at the moment. I mention to my sister that about a third of Riley’s awake time is spent having a tantrum. She says “oh she’s just figuring stuff out”. Seems innocuous enough right? But this type of comment irritates me for a swag of reasons. 1) I am her mother of course I know that the reason why she is having tantrums is due to her level of frustration at not being able to communicate what she wants; and 2) It’s very easy to be dismissive of how exhausting it can be with a tantrum-ing toddler when you’re not with them 24/7. But I don’t say anything because it’s not that particular comment that is irritating it’s the ten others like it that have the cumulative effect of turning me into a raving lunatic.

Exhibit C:

The hordes of parents who have told me (repeatedly) that I just need to let her cry and that by the time I have a second that’s exactly what I will do. Or even my mother who I can feel cringing through the phone anytime she hears that I have given Riley something to eat that wasn’t made from scratch.

In my past life I would have given each and everyone of them a piece of my mind, but in the end I opt to not dignify any of it and tune it out and go with my instinct anyway.

Beyond all of that, what really drives me to distraction is when people talk through the baby. More than any other time that is when I struggle to keep my composure. Such wonderful passive aggressive statements such as “isn’t your mother silly for not putting away the washing”, “you’re feet/hands are cold/hot”, or even speaking for the baby, “I’m hungry mum” – you get the idea. Here’s a tip, if you have something to say be direct – being indirect doesn’t make you more sensitive or gentle it just makes you cowardly and unable to stand behind your own opinion.

© Copyright

It’s Complicated

Posted on November 30, -0001 14 Comments


People are bored with the never-ending conversation about parenting styles. Except it’s not a conversation. It’s a competition. But there aren’t any winners or losers. People who compete just end up looking like idiots. But really, people are far too complicated to be contained by a parenting style. And far too human to be a hundred percent consistent with it all the time. And so talking in absolutes is kind of ridiculous.

And although I might be the biggest softie on the planet, I’m also a stubborn as all hell hard ass given the right situation. It’s just far more nuanced than one, or two or three supposedly definitive characteristics. My life with the toddler at the moment is a fine example of that. She is struggling with all of the changes and tends to be  needing more cuddles, more attention, more closeness and more help to get to sleep at night. She’s also struggling to manage her emotions – particularly ones of anger and frustration and has been having temper tantrums fairly regularly that involve biting, kicking, hitting and screaming.

And although I am hyper-aware of giving her all the extra attention and reassurance she needs during this time and that mid-tantrum is when she needs the most love and patience from me, not less. I’m also not willing to just write this tantrum stage off or let it slide because it seems important to teach her that while all emotions are ok, we have to work towards her expressing them in a way that is, shall we say, a little less violent. This can be a hard distinction for adults. That it’s not what you say but how you say it. So I’ve got my work cut out for me trying to help a toddler understand. But it does mean that to address all of these tantrums I have to be just about as uncompromising and stubborn as she is.

And I’m ok with all of that. Because I am a big softie. And I am an uncompromising hard-headed creature. And whatever else Riley learns she should also know that.

‘

Pages: ‘, ‘after’ => ‘

‘, ‘next_or_number’ => ‘number’)); ?>

© Copyright
«Older Posts