A blog in words and pictures
Sometimes the way people talk or the way they act is intensely disappointing.
Sometimes I just want to block all of that out.
And tell my children.
Don’t pretend to be less intelligent.
Don’t pretend to understand less than you do.
Not because it’s convenient. Or funny. Or easier. Or lets people off the hook.
Don’t pretend that people who accept that from you are worthwhile.
Don’t pretend that if you dumb yourself down, eventually you won’t have a hard time standing up.
Occasionally I tweet something and I am so taken with a turn of phrase that I turn it into a blog post. This is one of those times.
This is about Morning ‘news’ programs. I use quotation marks for news because I’m not sold on the idea that they are providing me with news or valuable information or even something that is vaguely entertaining.
What I am sure about is that they have an extremely low opinion of their audience’s intelligence. So much so that every time I even see an ad for a morning show I can just feel my brain cells killing one another. And the brain cell genocide continues until it stops and my senses are no longer being assaulted by this paltry drivel.
It’s not just the content either. It’s the way the people talk to one another. Or they don’t talk so much as flirt. And they don’t flirt so much as act in a way that there particular stereotype dictates.
And if my brain cells weren’t so busy killing one another they might just keel over and die from the absolute boredom of it all.
I find the dumbing down of media offensive. Offensive enough that when I’m faced with this dumbing down my internal rage starts to create a slightly weird, slightly creepy eye twitch.
You know what one of my favourite stories is? One of my favourite authors wrote a book about how they wrote their most successful series. Needless to say writing a book about writing a book is fascinating for geeks everywhere. At a certain point he was having an argument with his editor over the inclusion of a particular word that the editor didn’t believe the vast majority of his audience would know the meaning of. His response: What’s the worst thing that could happen? They pick up a damn dictionary?! The word stayed.
I can handle entertainment that is dumb on purpose. I enjoy Kendra as much as the next person. I don’t concede that the reality television is a guilty pleasure because I don’t feel guilty about it. It’s not reality television passing itself off as freaking amazing, thought provoking TV. It knows exactly what it is.
But Morning shows. You don’t get to infomercial me up, present fluff piece after fluff piece, intentionally ignore that there is anything more than one side to every story, intentionally perpetuate every stereotype known to man, and then act as if you aren’t actively engaged in lowest common denominator journalism and the dumbification of the universe.
My brain cells are screaming.
Before people have children they usually have hypothetical children (if they plan on having children in the future).
I’m sure you’ve heard of hypothetical children.
Hypothetical children always eat what’s put in front of them.
Hypothetical children sleep through from about three months.
Hypothetical children never have tantrums and they never whine. Ever.
Hypothetical children are always polite and never demanding.
You can take hypothetical children anywhere and they will never embarrass you
Hypothetical children always go straight to bed at night without any fuss.
Hypothetical children don’t have dummies and never have bottles beyond a year.
In fact, hypothetical children are so fantastic it’s almost like you don’t have children at all.
But my real children? The near four year old who questions EVERYTHING and begins every second sentence with ‘i want’ and answers every question with ‘but . . .’ and the near one year old who doesn’t sleep through the night and treats naps like they are some kind of luxury activity? Well the reality of them is far better than any hypothetical children could ever be.
1. Breastfeeding in public is all about modesty
No it’s not. If it was about modesty people opposed to breastfeeding in public would be going up to every woman in a low cut top and telling her that she was offending them.
2. When they are old enough to ask for it they are too old.
Um. No. Arbitrary. Some kids speak before they are 1, others not until they are 3. A baby communicates their wants and needs with smiles and coos and crying. Why should those wants and needs be ignored when they can say a few words.
3. When they have teeth they are too old for it.
Some babies are born with teeth. Or get them really early. Some don’t get any until they are a year old. Again arbitrary and stupid.
4. Once they can eat solid food/drumstick they are too old for it.
Turns out that breastmilk contains things that food doesn’t. Plus it’s comforting. Yes, even more comforting than a drumstick.
5. When I have children I won’t do that.
You really can’t know what you will or won’t do.
6. It should be a private thing
The basic premise of house arrest is tempting but I think I’ll continue to live my life
7. Breastfeeding is just another way of oppressing women
Or not. Do what you want to do. But if anything being able to breastfeed is something that I am really proud of and that I really enjoyed.
8. There is no physiological need for breastmilk past a certain age. It’s just comfort.
I’m not sure about the truth of this statement but I really don’t get what the big deal is about comfort anyway. Children need alot of comfort. So do adults. I’m not suggesting that adults breastfeed but I don’t see the big issue with children continuing to breastfeed for comfort over physical needs.
9. If they are walking they are too old for it.
Again arbitrary. One thing has nothing to do with the other. It seems to me we are getting into a blatant fumbling around in the dark for any milestone indicative of age as a reason that we shouldn’t be breastfeeding.
10. Breastfeeding mothers should stop making formula feeding mothers feel guilty.
I’m allowed to be proud of breastfeeding and allowed to advocate the many benefits. I’m talking about me. Talking about my choices is not a judgement on anyone else’s choices. I’m not making anyone feel guilty.
Once upon a time, a lifetime ago I used to read legal judgements as part of my ill advised venture into studying law. I most enjoyed reading the dissenting arguments. I admired the passion, logic and analysis injected into something that someone would look at and might think didn’t matter. I admired that they didn’t run with the pack. And I respected how every dissenting argument I ever read was committed to the idea of dissent as important, as part of the record, as part of the history.
Dissent is important. It’s so easy to just go along with what everyone else is doing or saying even when you feel that clench in your stomach telling you that it’s not something you agree with. Even when your skin crawls a little bit with the distaste of it. Because you don’t want to be disagreeable, or difficult, or take something too seriously or too personally.
I believe the opposite of that. I believe if we all got a whole lot more personal the world would be a better place. If everyone was a little less faceless, a little less annonymous, then all of a sudden it forces your hand and you have to be the best version of yourself.
There is a strong instinct to silence dissent. As though if dissent exists next to the majority it somehow negates the majority. Dissent is silenced in obvious ways and far more subtle ways. Dissenters are referred to as a ‘vocal minority’. As if their words lose impact because there aren’t too many of them and they make too much noise anyway. Dissenters are silenced by being dismissed as unimportant. Mothers expressing an opinion are frequently told to stop neglecting their children or go read their children a book, a particularly cruel silencer. Dissenters are told to get over it, to move on, that they are making too much of a small thing. Silence is everyone’s enemy, not just the enemy of dissent. More could be gained if people stopped fighting against dissent and started fighting against the sound of silence.
If you have an opinion and have the courage to stand behind it then a different opinion should be able to stand beside you, peacefully and without conflict. If you are having an argument, the end result isn’t having the other person abandon their own belief set and agree with you. If you are having an argument, the end result is hearing what the other person has to say. You don’t have to agree.
Lately I’ve heard the loudness of the sound of silence echoing in my ears. And worse, the rationalism of the lowest common denominator. Example.
Australia is Racist.
Australia’s not racist. Everywhere is racist. There are far worse countries.
I think we can all aim higher than that.
We should not have to fall in line. We should not have to follow the pack. I should be able to disagree publicly with someone no matter who they are without the weight of their populist army set upon my back. Dissent is important and it is worth it.
And yet too often when I see someone express a dissenting opinion, the outcome people seek is silence. Perfect silence. As though the majority opinion is so fragile, so weak and so vulnerable that it cannot stand even a slight breeze before it.
1. My child won’t do that/behave that way/have tantrums in public/be annoying in public spaces
Yeah they will. And they will do it so often and with such ferocity that you will lose your ability to be embarrassed by them. Don’t worry, you’re still an awesome parent. It’s just what kids do. It’s their shtick.
2. Parents should just leave their kids at home. Get a babysitter.
Babysitters aren’t always so easy to come by and sometimes you do need to actually leave the house. Yes, even when your kids are sick. Sometimes you need to go to the chemist and get actual medicine for them.
3. I would never take my children to a place where they would be such an inconvenience to other people.
Guess what? Children are people. True story. So although I won’t be taking mine to a Shakespeare play any time soon I do get to be in the city with my two girls without people glaring at me. I think that’s fair. Also, those death stares? I’m immune to them. I have a three year old.
4. It’s just sad if you feed your kids McDonalds
It’s fried food, it’s not cocaine. Although the frappes do have some definite addictive qualities. And sometimes some fries are the pathway to your own sanity. There, I said it.
5. I’m still going to be exactly the same person after I have kids.
I certainly hope not. If you don’t want your life to change in a rather dramatic way then I’d suggest not having kids would be an excellent start.
6. What’s the point of buying a pram if you are just going to carry the baby around all the time.
I like the option with less screaming. Whatever brings me less screaming is precisely what I’m inclined to do.
7. I don’t understand what the big deal is. I work 4o hours a week AND get all the housework done.
You also have approximately 150 hours a week of little people not creating mess. It adds up.
8. What they need is discipline, not a cuddle.
Actually, they need cuddles pretty much all the time, especially when they are misbehaving the most, when they are at their most out of control. They rely on me to help them calm down because alot of the time that’s something they can’t do on their own.
9. I would never have them sleeping in my bed.
You know what I like. Sleep. I’m big on sleep. Not everyone can sleep with their babies in the bed. But I can. I sleep, well like a baby.
10. I don’t think I could handle that [insert annoying/aggravating behaviour/menial task]
Oh you could. When you are thinking about all the craptastic things that parenting brings your way. The never ending why’s, the endless washing and cleaning and cooking, the tantrums in public places, the never being alone. It falls away into nothing when compared to what you get out of it. The way your heart breaks and explodes and melts from moment to moment. The aggravation is a snowflake and the rewards are Mt Everest. It doesn’t always feel that way. But when you actually take it all in that’s what you have.
Dear McDonalds,
I take my coffee very seriously. Even when it’s not real coffee, it’s more coffee flavoured frappe. Which, I give you is delicious. Because I’m trying to lose baby weight, I tend to restrict myself to one treat a day (ok two, but I try for one). Some days that is the coffee frappe. Some days I look forward to it. Alot. Looking forward to it stops me from diving into the cookie jar when I should be cleaning the house, mostly.
So when I go to the drive through because I’ve got a sleeping baby in the car and you take my order, I expect that if you take the order you have the drink that I ask for. I expect that if you aren’t able to make it, you would tell me that before I pay you by eftpos. Apparently, that’s not the case. I wish I could say it was the only time that has happened. The amount of times I’ve been through the drive through and you’ve accepted my order for frozen coke only to pay and find that you don’t have frozen coke, you have frozen fanta raspberry. No I will not accept fanta raspberry. Mostly, the coke (or the coffee in this case) is the sole reason I’m going through the drive through in the first place.
You know what is even more disappointing? Finding out that because I paid by card and orgainsing a refund is difficult, you can actually make the damn drink after all. Knowing that you would have persisted with the fiction of not being able to make the drink if I had paid by cash is infuriating. It’s just plain lazy. Do the right thing and tell me when I order what you can and can’t do. Or better yet, make the drink anyway even though it takes you a whole extra 5 seconds to do it individually.
* clearly this photo does not make me mad. I tend not to take photos of things that make me mad. But it is a photo of a ‘good’ baby. Which definitely makes me mad. It makes sense if you watch the vlog. Sort of.
This topic idea came from Miss Pink of the Mummy Autobiography and her suggestion was things that make me mad. I’m entirely sure that when she made this suggestion she was unaware of the babbling rant that would ensue. Nor could she have known about the varied, disconnected and strange things that make me mad.
And yes, the hypocrite said that hypocrites make her mad. On camera. I make no apologies. The hypocrite is arrogant as well.
Mayim Bialik, who used to be Blossom, and now has a PhD in Neuroscience and two young boys is now a blogger. And in this post, she describes what being an attachment parent means to her.
Needless to say it has caused somewhat of a stir. I get it. It sounds somewhat defensive and somewhat smug all at the same time. I don’t think she meant it that way, but when I read it that’s what I got from it. Saying things like (in reference to not forcing manners and not chasing her boys around saying – say please – say thank you) ‘those words have never passed my lips’ is a pretty strong absolute. I try not to force manners.
Big tangent: Actually, this was one of the real sticking points with people who commented which I can understand. On the face of it why wouldn’t you want to enforce manners in children. Poorly mannered children are EVERYWHERE. And I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me I prefer not to ask Riley to say please, thank you, bless you, excuse me, your welcome, pardon. Why? Not because I don’t want her to learn it or say it. But because I want her to learn it in a way that she understands why she says it. Not just that it’s an automatic thing that is said in conversation. I don’t want her to speak politely. I want her to be polite. That’s my reason. I don’t really know if it will be more effective than anyone else’s way – but it’s the way I’m most comfortable with and makes the most sense to me.
But never? Well that makes her a more confident woman than me. Every now and then I get into a situation where Riley is given something by a relative stranger and my social face gets the best of me and I ask her to say please or thank you.
So what I’m saying is I can see why her post rubbed people up the wrong way. Although she was very clear that it was just what worked for her family. It was also pretty black and white in terms of her parenting philosophy.
But still, as I read through the comments . . .
Sidenote: Why do I read the comments? Why?! I just know that they’re going to get me really, really annoyed. Annoyed like I’m watching Sarah Palin annoyed. Oh right, I’m nosy.
As I read through, a few things struck me. Some of the comments were plain insulting ‘if you want your baby to live, stop co-sleeping!’, some were a little weird, ‘if you are so busy breastfeeding and co-sleeping how do you even have time to live?’, to the downright mind boggling, ‘wait until your kids are grown then you’ll be sorry! Why do you have to be attached to them all the time anyway?!’
One thing is you can’t put all attachment parents in one basket. It’s like saying that all women are essentially the same. For myself, I’m too attachmenty for some people and not attachmenty enough for others. I will always be a very passionate advocate of co-sleeping, for example, but I’ll never be a full-time co-sleeper (other than with a baby). I loved breastfeeding, but for me the limit was around the 1 year mark.
Another thing. Why does one parent’s choice say anything about anyone else’s. It doesn’t to my mind. So I struggle to understand why a presentation of one persons parenting philosophy is so deeply offensive to others.
And you know what drives me nuts about the comments on these sorts of things? They way they don’t talk to the actual issue. The vast majority did not discuss the benefits or disadvantages of breastfeeding, co-sleeping, natural birth or gentle discipline. All they said was – this person can’t have this opinion because her children are too young, or she doesn’t have enough of them, or she hasn’t been to my house and dealt with my children.
And that’s about it. Rant over. I have no filter today.
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