Riley can commit to an idea pretty quickly. And once she’s committed. That’s it. Whatever is in her head is pretty hard to shake. If anything, over time she just becomes more invested in her own commitment. She is that stubborn. But it’s not just about stubbornness, not really. It’s about imagination. If she says the words, then it’s real, even if all the evidence would suggest otherwise.
Who can understand the way the toddler mind works anyway. She talks about things long past as if they just happened. And she makes connections that would make my head spin.

But I’ve been thinking lately that her reluctance to go to preschool wasn’t real. Not really. I know it feels real to her. But my sense was that it was only because she got used to saying the words. Like a routine. ‘I don’t want to go’, ‘I’ll miss you’, and the mere act of saying the words was making her feel that way, but that it was just the words – not how she really felt at all.

But breaking her out of the cycle was going to be difficult. She’s so committed to routine changing anything is hard to do. So over the last two days, I’ve done something that was a little bit uncomfortable. Whenever she said she would miss me or something similar I dismissed it ‘no you won’t. that’s silly’ and tickled her, like it was a game. It goes against the grain to do something dismissive or minimising of her feelings. But I took a leap of faith anyway.

And today there were no tantrums about going to school and she didn’t seem to want to leave when I picked her up this afternoon. And maybe just this once changing her language around it has changed her experience as well.

Ever since I was pregnant, strangers have been judging me. Apparently you become public property once you have a baby, even just on the inside. And it only gets worse once they are born. Strangers will judge you if you breastfeed or if you don’t. Strangers have asked me if I breastfeed, which is also quite odd. Strangers look down their nose at me as my toddler has an exorcist tantrum. Strangers judge me when I carry PIper in a wrap and will ask me if I am suffocating her.
Through all of this there is only one thing that protects me. Being certain. Being absolutely sure that I am doing the right thing. If I allowed myself to let all of those judgements in, I would crumble under the sheer weight of it. It doesn’t mean that I walk around with blinders on. I’m not immune to improving. To understanding where as a parent I could do better.I know what my areas of weakness are. I know that I could put more effort into cooking for Riley. I know that I let her fussiness curb my efforts more than it should. I know I could do more creative projects with her. I know I could be more patient.

And so as we’ve been navigating our way through the preschool adventure, I’ve been certain. Even when I see this face when we get home afterwards. She doesn’t look certain. She looks vulnerable and tired. Even when she screamed for me in a way I hope I never have to hear again on that first day I was sure I was doing the right thing. And today when I found out that although she hadn’t been getting upset with missing me today, she had on previous days, still I was sure it was the right thing.

And in the wee hours of the morning when my beautiful baby comes in and wraps her body around mine because she needs just a little bit more reassurance, I will still be sure.

Because I trust myself. I trust myself to know my baby inside and out and to know exactly when she needs to be held close and when she needs a bit of a push. And right now she needs both. And I am certain.