What you can’t really see in this photo is the person underneath the bridge, busking. You can’t hear how it sounds, either. The way the sound goes from almost nothing to everything the moment you step underneath the bridge. There she stands in the darkness, singing. Waiting for people to step under the bridge to hear the wholeness of her sound, made perfect by the bridge.
I’ve been looking for that here and elsewhere, the wholeness of my own sound. Some things take more time and they aren’t as instantaneous as they once where. Not because I want them to be perfect, but because I want them to be complete.
Some things you are good at. Some things you love. They aren’t always the same things. Being a mother of young children (or children of any age I imagine!) feeling good at something can be a rarity. Most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing. I do my best. I try to be consistent. I follow my instincts as much as I can. I take my cues from their personalities and what I think they need. But it feels like floundering a lot of the time. I don’t have that feeling of competence that I used to have from paid work. Maybe other mothers do, but I don’t. I rarely feel like I’m kicking ass at parenting. Most of the time I feel like it’s kicking mine.
The other day someone happened upon one of the facebook pages that I do with Shake Media and they left a comment saying what a whole bunch of loveliness it was. Never underestimate the power of a compliment from a stranger. Ever. I keep words like that with me for a long time. Words like that matter.
I didn’t realise it until now. But I needed to feel good at something again. Something that gives me the fortitude to fail and succeed and fail and try again at being the parent that I want to be.
I have chosen a path with my blog and my business. And all of a sudden I am right with myself.