VBAC – The Birth

Posted on March 15, 2012 6 Comments


Pushing seems like a fantastic idea at the time. It seems like you are so close to the end.

And then I realised that the pain into my hips when I pushed made me want to die. It’s probably because I tend to have dodgy hips and a twisted pelvis. I’m sure that didn’t help matters. Remember when I said I should have kept up with pregnancy yoga? Well I regretted that decision when I was pushing. I have no idea if it would have helped or not but it certainly wouldn’t have hurt.

The pain was so overwhelming that I actually didn’t want to push. And we landed in an inbetween limbo. I knew that I had to push but the hip pain was so blinding I just couldn’t bring myself to inflict it on myself. The midwife, the voice of reason had me keep moving positions until eventually I found one that was bearable, on my side – being braced by my husband across the arms and the legs by my midwife.

I couldn’t feel like I was making any progress and was convinced that I couldn’t do it. But Josh and the midwife kept telling me that I was making progress. They told me to stop screaming to conserve my energy which I was suprised that I could actually do and mentally it made me feel more in control as well. In some ways pushing wasn’t as hard as waiting in between contractions. So much so that towards the end I think that I was so desperate to have her out I pushed without a contraction because I just couldn’t wait any longer.

And then she was there. My perfect little baby. Born in the way that I had wanted. I was in a whole lot of shock that I had actually done it. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around that. And I also remember thinking I would never be able to do it again.

We waited nervously while they aspirated her and luckily she didn’t have to go to the NICU. She was little and they told me if she was under 2.5kgs they would have to take her to the nursery. So I sat there willing her to be bigger than 2.5kgs and was so relieved that she weighed in at 2.8.

I had torn during the birth so they began to sew me up. I was probably hopped up on hormones because it was weird and awkward but it wasn’t painful. But it did take a long time. And it was the length of time that had me a bit worried because I could tell it was going to take awhile to heal.

But that was a side note to the birth of the beautiful Piper. She was a voracious, enthusiastic eater from the moment she was born and the midwives laughed saying there was a baby who knew exactly what she was doing.

And once she was here I was so completely happy, so completely content, far more than any happy hormones could ever have made me.

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The Squishy

Posted on April 11, 2011 29 Comments


Piper Ebony (aka ‘the squishy’) has arrived!

She was born at 12:50pm on Friday, weighing in at a very slight 2.8kg (or 6 pounds 2 oz). She didn’t have to be induced and was delivered via VBAC. If I could have taken more drugs I would have. As it was, other than the initial morphine for the back pain there wasn’t enough time.

I’ve been missing from my blog, soaking up all the newborn goodness but am taking a rare opportunity where both children are asleep during the day to make the official announcement, just in case you haven’t noticed my stream of photos on twitter and facebook.

She has the appetite of an army, refuses to sleep except while snuggled and surprisingly actually enjoyed her first bath. Riley keeps saying ‘I wish I had a baby sister’ because apparently it doesn’t count unless she’s allowed to carry the baby around. And me? Well I’m recovering and loving the second stint in newborn land. It’s very easy to enjoy every minute when you are not quite the stress head you once were.

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Guest Post @ The Feminist Breeder – Skipping Chapters

Posted on May 12, 2010 Leave a Comment


I’m guest posting today at The Feminist Breeder. You can check it out here.

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My Birth Story

Posted on March 7, 2010 11 Comments

I’ve written about Riley’s birth in bits and pieces but never really told the whole story from beginning to end. And as this is my 300th post, it seemed like I good idea.

I was overdue. I hadn’t had any contractions or braxton hicks contractions for that matter, or so I thought. I felt as big as a house. Every now and then I’d have mind-numbing shooting pains run down my leg and my knees would buckle with it. I couldn’t sleep because I was that huge and my hips were in serious trauma. Ah, the miracle of pregnancy.

We’d scheduled an induction for about 10 days after my due date. There was confusion around my due date, so they’d taken it as the later one to give me the most time to go into labour naturally. There was actually another miscalculation and in the end I was 12 days overdue by the time we went to the hospital.

We weren’t going to our local hospital, because it only handled low risk births – no inductions. And besides, they had staffing issues and had closed down their maternity department indefinitely. So we headed in to unfamiliar territory at Gosford Hospital. It was weird. Feeling like in a matter of hours (I was assuming about 14 of them) I would have our baby. We didn’t know the sex, so that was going to be a surprise. It was early in the morning when we left home. We’d packed for every conceivable contingency, but we stopped at the service station because Mr Goog wanted some energy drinks (he figured he’d need them). I didn’t go in. I waited in the car and remember looking at a beautiful blue sky with feathery clouds and thinking it was a nice day for our child to be born. I would have thought the same if it was torrential rain, of course.

We arrived at the hospital, bags in tow, and waited in the reception area until we were walked through to the birthing room. They attached a monitor to my belly to monitor the heart beat and any contractions. I was already in labour.

“Can’t you feel that?” the nurse asked. Um, no. I couldn’t. But I was pleased to already be in labour anyway. The staff opted to start me on pitocin anyway and break my waters to get everything going. Also, breaking the waters – seriously the most uncomfortable thing I had experienced up until that point.

They were concerned when they broke my waters and it was green-ish, but decided to proceed and just monitor the heart rate. She kept moving around though, and her heart rate kept going up and down. No one was sure if she was actually distressed, or if it was just that she kept moving away from the monitor. Which led to the cervical exam (so much more uncomfortable than breaking the waters, but on the bright side – pap smears are a walk in the park now). The doctor wanted to put a probe on her head to get an accurate reading on the heart rate. But he couldn’t do it. Her hand was on her head. He looked very freaked out by this development, which did nothing for my stress levels. He recommended an emergency c-section and we agreed.

At this point they stopped the pitocin, but I was already having contractions and they seemed to be getting stronger.

I was terrified. I’d never been in hospital before, never had an operation. I’d never even considered c-section as a possibility. I had an oxygen mask on but I couldn’t breathe through it because I was crying and my nose was getting blocked with mucus. The nurses were so amazing. They were massaging my head to help me calm down. Mr Goog had gone to get scrubs on and would meet me in the operating room. And those contractions just kept getting stronger. Although I don’t think it was active labour because I could still talk through them.

Finally they wheeled me into theatre and explained what would happen next. It was freezing cold in there. I was going to have a spinal block. The idea of having a giant needle in the back was less than appealing. When they sat me up in a brace position to get it done, I kept saying to myself ‘do not move’. As the needle was going in (painless, thankfully), I started to have a contraction and the man helping me to brace myself lost his grip for a second. Luckily my whole ‘do not move’ mantra seemed to do the trick and I remained still. I could feel everything numbing up pretty much immediately and I was laid flat.

Mr Goog had arrived and he was up the top near my head. I was not prepared for the violence of a c-section. My whole body was moving up and down on the table and there was a lot of pressure. It was a really strange experience to feel all sorts of pressure and pushing and pulling but not the pain associated with it. Mr Goog distracted me with asking what my rugby league tips were for the week. It worked. Before I knew it, I head one of the doctors say she was here. I held my breath, hoping and willing for everything to be alright. Then I heard her first cry. The most beautiful sound in the world.

The doctor announced she was a girl. Mr Goog saw her and beamed at me with pride, excitement and love.

The nurse placed my beautiful baby on my chest to breastfeed for the first time. She was probably still a little groggy from the spinal block, and it took her a long time to latch on, but eventually she did. We stayed that way for awhile until I had to go to recovery and Mr Goog went with her to do all the measuring/hospital stuff. He was slightly paranoid about us ending up with the wrong baby, so he wasn’t about to let her out of his sight.

I nearly fell asleep in recovery. I was on morphine at this stage. After I’d been back on the ward for about half an hour or so, they brought me Riley. She was so beautiful and I couldn’t quite believe that she was ours. But she was. I slept with her next to me for the whole of that first night (and many after that) because I couldn’t bear even the slightest separation. And instead of sleeping when she did, I spent a long time just looking at her as she slept.

I have opted not to talk about how I was ill-informed with regard to my options, which in turn (I believe) may have led to an unnecessary c-section. I have also not talked about the painful recovery after the operation and my frustrations with being less mobile. This is because it seemed out of place. I wanted to write about Riley’s birth and not complain about how it happened.

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Great Expectations

Posted on March 3, 2010 11 Comments

This is a joint post with Amber at Unlikely Mama. You can follow her on twitter here. We thought it would be fun to look back on what our expectations were before we had our babies and how they’ve changed a year on (for Amber) and two years on (for me).
Having Children

Amber: Let me start from the beginning.  I never “expected” to have a baby.  As my online moniker hints at…it was highly unlikely that I would become a mother.  Not because I couldn’t, but because I NEVER wanted to.  Not until I met Peter 4+ years ago and his way with kids turned my clock on.

Zoey: I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have kids when I was in my early twenties. And it seemed like the kind of thing that you needed to be really sure of. And then, it seemed all of a sudden, I was sure. There was no real defining moment – I just knew.

Pregnancy

Amber: Once I changed my expectations of myself…a whole slew of other changes came about.When I found out I was pregnant I was flooded with emotions…fear being a huge one.  But more than that, I was filled with excitement and expectations about what the pregnancy and motherhood would be like.

Zoey: I tried not to be terrified while I was pregnant. I really tried. It didn’t always go so well. I think my perfectionism took over as well. And I researched a lot. It is no surprise to me that half of the ideas and expectations I had when I was pregnant seem ridiculous to me now.

Birth

Amber: First off my birth expectations were that it would be medicated and in a hospital.  Numb from the waist down like natured intended?  I even posted in my LJ about not needing to be a martyr, and that pain meds were invented to be used.  But the more I started researching birth…the more I realized that I wanted to REALLY experience it.  Actually, a good friend of mine started this whole trip when she told me not to bother with an epidural because her’s didn’t work..and the “rolling” feelings she had while it was still natural far outweighed the numbness.  I started reading about what could cause those feelings, and found my answer…Oxytocin!  I was hooked on this natural love drug and couldn’t wait to experience it!  I wanted the bonding, and was terrified of screwing it up otherwise.  Yup, I was turning crunchy :-)

What I ended up with was a 10 week preterm labor and a c-section.  No free love, no chance to bond (well for 4 days anyway).  It needed to be done to keep the baby safe, but I was not at all prepare

Zoey: I expected to have a natural birth. I didn’t even read the chapter on c-sections, because I figured that would never happen to me.

I wish I had known more about it. I wish I had refused induction medication when I arrived for my induction and was told I was already in labour. But I didn’t know any better and I was ill-prepared when the Doctor told me that I was headed for an emergency c-section. I was so scared. I’d never had an operation before. And I had to stay so still for the spinal anesthetic whilst I was having contractions. No mean task.

I didn’t realise how violent a c-section would be. Or how incpacitated I would be. Or how I would always feel strange whenever I used the phrase ‘given birth’ in connection with the experience. But still, I don’t regret any of it because after all of that Riley was born.

Family


Amber: Before Alexa graced us with her (EARLY) presence we were struck with a ton of family expectations of us.  They were, well my family, sorely disappointed when they found out we weren’t budging on our stance.  My father expected to come to the birthing center with us, I told him I wanted to be alone with Peter and the midwife.  My mother expected to come up to stay with us the 2 weeks before and after the birth, I told her no we wanted to spend the first 2 weeks (Peter’s paternity leave time) alone together bonding as a family.  My mother then expected me to send her the first picture of the baaaaaaaaaaybeeeeeeeee so she could be the FIRST to see her.  I told her I wasn’t playing favorites and would copy everyone in on the same first emailed photo.  It was actually Peter’s family that surprised me.  I expected that they would be the pushy ones, and they were actually the most respectful of our wishes…who knew!

My expectations of our families were on and off.  My father lives next door and dotes on both of my neices so much.  I thought he would be over here more.  I thought he would drop in with small gifts all the time like he does for the other girls.  He hasn’t bought Alexa a thing (his fiance picks everything out), and has never once offered to babyshit (though we’ve asked him to do it twice).  It’s hard because I’m so close with him, but sometimes I feel like because we live next door we’re forgotten.  It’s like I’m always here and always available..so there’s no need to dote on me :-(

My mother, who I thought would be the biggest pain to deal with has actually become the person I trust the most.  She is the only one respectful of my wishes with feeding, holding, and sleeping…especially sleeping.  I am very pleasantly surprised with being wrong wrong wrong with my assumptions about that relationship!

Peter’s family has met my expectations.  They treat her like a toy in some regards…and pretty thing to be passed around.  They buy her far too many, and far too expensive, presents.  They talk about how pretty she is.  I’m afraid if she doesn’t live up to their expectations that they’ll treat her differently than if she were “perfect”.

Zoey: Pleads the fifth. My family reads this blog. Boring, yes. Accurate, definitely.

Partners

Amber: My expectations of Peter have went back and forth.  Before we really thought about having a baby I just assumed Peter would be the “motherly” one.  He’s far more sensitive and sweet than I.  He’s also the person in the room that ALL kids flock to.  They love him, and that’s the only reason I ever reconsidering becoming a mother in the first place.  I kinda thought he would do most of the work, heh :-/
As it turned out, I assumed all wrong when it came to how much I would turn into the mamabear!  Peter turns to me for help and advice.  Sometimes I get snippy because I still think he should know what to do…the fist year of parenthood is HARD.

Zoey: I expected Josh to do just as much around the house whether that be housework or helping out with Riley. He had three months of paternity leave when Riley was born, which was so nice. What I didn’t expect was that sometimes babies have a preference. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if i hadn’t had a shower, had anything to eat or even just felt like I needed 5 minutes to myself – Riley still insisted that she be attached to my chest. The amount that we snip at one another is directly related to who has been sitting in with Riley to get her to go to sleep and who has been in the kitchen making noise.

I always though Josh would make a great dad, but I was pleasantly surprised with how well it suited him (most of the time)

Sleep


Amber: I really didn’t have any expectations of sleep, for me or Alexa.  Though, I guess I’m lying there, since I DID assume we would all be sleeping through the night AT LEAST by now (1 year out).  Hmmmm, guess I’ll have to take Zoey’s father’s word that you give up on that for 2 years :-)  The first months were rough, I won’t lie, but I think we slept more than the “average” family because we co-slept (something we did NOT intend on doing).  We have a crib in the nursery and had a cosleeper/bassinette in our room.  My “plan” HAHAH was to have Alexa sleep in the crib for naps, ya know…to get her used to it…and to sleep in the cosleeper next to me.  Yeah, not so much.  She had reflux and needed to be semi-upright, so she slept in the crook of my arm, on my chest, or on Peter’s.  Once she was able to lay flat we had already perfected side-lying nursing and couldn’t turn back.  There was no way I was going to get up in the  middle of the night when I didn’t have to.  NOOOOOOOOOOOW I don’t know how to get her off my boob at night, so she’s kinda stuck in bed with me for the time being (or actually I’m stuck in bed with her).

Zoey: I’m going to sound like a bit of an idiot here, but before Riley was born I thought the issue with sleep was that babies woke up a lot to be fed. I didn’t even consider that they might need some help getting to sleep. So needless to say, I was not ready for the hours of feeding, rocking and patting to sleep that were in store for me. And Riley loved to be rocked. I only stopped rocking her (at around 12 months) because she was getting too heavy for me.

She mostly sleeps through now. Although I was sure she’d sleep through by 6 months, she didn’t. And then I was sure she’d sleep through by 12 months and she still didn’t. It wasn’t until she was 14 months that she started and not until around 18 months that sh was doing it with any reliability. If it wasn’t for co-sleeping I’d be the walking dead by now.

Whether she’ll put herself to sleep or not is still a bit hit and miss. Sometimes she will, sometimes she won’t. Here’s the kicker. Now that she’s not a baby anymore (even if she’ll always be my baby), I now look forward to the nights when she comes into our bed, or needs help getting to sleep and I get to watch her little eyes fight sleep but eventually close and I get to look at her peaceful little face. Most of the time, anyway.

Breastfeeding


Amber: I expected breastfeeding to be easy…my mother did it for both me and my brother.  Everyone else I knew that tried was successful.    Well Alexa’s prematurity screwed that up and it was HARD!  It’s still hard sometimes and we just celebrated our 1 year anniversary of nursing.  I never thought I was so stubborn, but I really learned a lot about myself.  I would NOT give up and I’m thankful that we persevered.  I also assumed it would melt the fat…it did NOT help me lose weight :-(

Zoey: I expected breastfeeding to be natural and easy. Women have been doing it for thousands of years, right? But initially we had latch problems and I’m amazed that I managed to get through those first few weeks where breastfeeding was excrutiatingly painful and I dreaded each feeding and cried through most of them. After all of that calmed down I was surprised how easy it was. And relieved that it meant I didn’t have to get out of bed in the middle of the night.

Unlike Amber, it helped me lose weight fast. The problem? I’ve stopped breastfeeding and failed to adjust my diet accordingly.

Not Expecting


Amber: I guess I should have known from the start not to expect anything.  I mean, I was so wrong about not wanting to be a mother…how could I be right about anything else?

Zoey: I have learned that you aim for perfection, you’ll always be disappointed. Always. And I’ve also learnt that expecting things is a recipe for disaster. Babies love to make liars out of their mothers.

What were your expectations?

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I Only Whisper

Posted on February 13, 2010 6 Comments

Before I even decided to get pregnant, I knew there was a choice I needed to make. There were so many things I wanted to do – like go back to University and become a forensic scientist, travel the world, climb mountains (not figuratively, actual mountains). But I knew that I wanted to be a mother, and all of those things could wait, but having chldren, that had a time limit on it. So I chose having children, and put everything else off until later.
And I am happy with that choice. I will always be happy with that choice. I can’t look at this face and not be over the moon.

Look at that. Eating rice and honey soy vegetables, and being wildly entertained by her Aunt, while I play paparazzi. She likes the veges, because it’s like a little treasure hunt, where she searches for baby corn and bamboo shoots.

But sometimes, after she’s gone to bed, when I have the space and time to be me, and not just a mother, I think of other things. Like how I long for travel, to see the redwoods of California, or the mountains in New Zealand, to explore everything. And now of course, I wouldn’t want to do anything without her. I would want to do all of those things with Josh and her, either on our backs, or walking slow and holding her chubby hand. But we are constrained by money, or lack of money, so it’s not something we could do right now. So sometimes, when it’s quiet, I mourn that.

Of course, she is our biggest adventure. So craving another adventure seems almost greedy. And yet, there it is, greedy or not. Sometimes my gypsy spirit just feels penned in, as though putting it off has only made it all the more stronger.

But then I remember her sloppy kisses, and her chubby arms around my neck, and the kind of life I want to create for her – and for us. And I remember, that she gave birth to me, not the other way around.

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Just Wonderful: Love and Partners and Natural Parenting

Posted on February 9, 2010 53 Comments


Welcome to the February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Love and partners!

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we’re writing about how a co-parent has or has not supported us in our dedication to natural parenting. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Love and partners: How has a co-parent supported your dedication to natural parenting — or not?

When Riley was born, my relationship with my husband changed. Because all of a sudden instead of one relationship, we were dealing with three. Our relationship as life partners, our relationship with our daughter, and our relationship with one another as parents.Another interesting thing happened as well. We stopped arguing, sort of. We disagree, alot. But we stopped needing to be right. I would say what I felt, he would say what he felt. And if we still disagreed, we just let it be. This is in stark contrast to previously where we would both continue to beat a dead horse until one of us admitted that the other one was right. I don’t know why, but following the birth of our daughter, both of us stopped needing to be right, we just needed to be heard, even if that meant that nothing really changed.

I did not have natural parenting ideals when I was pregnant. And in all honesty, I probably wouldn’t have even known what natural parenting or attachment parenting was. I read What to Expect When You’re Expecting in tiny little snippets so the weight of responsibility and risk didn’t totally freak me out. In the last month of my pregnancy I watched a million b-grade documentary type series on cable all about birth (most ended in c-section) and babies (mainly focussed on why won’t they sleep/eat/sleep). I found the idea of breastfeeding beyond 6 months a little bit creepy, looked down my nose at people who had babies or toddlers who wouldn’t sleep or would only sleep in their parents’ bed and couldn’t figure out why parents would walk around carrying their baby/toddler when they were pushing a perfectly serviceable stroller.

My husband had different ideas. His number one priority in our baby shopping was to get a baby carrier so he would be able to carry her around. So I bought one of those front-pack type carriers along with a sling. The sling seemed like a good way to be able to get things done with having both hands free. I didn’t really consider all the benefits of the sling in terms of bonding, comfort and closeness. Towards the end of my pregnancy we were doing some last minute baby shopping. My husband saw a co-sleeper (a little bed that sits on the main bed). It had a night light and little sides to stop you from rolling over onto her in the middle of the night. I didn’t really see the point. I mean, she was going to be in her own room from at the latest three months anyway. But, I’d done most of the shopping for the new arrival, and I wanted him to be involved so I placated him with the purchase.

There were two things that we both agreed on while I was pregnant, we would not be smackers and we would not cry it out. I felt very strongly about both of those things.

Then our beautiful baby was born, by emergency c-section. Josh kept me calm during the c-section by asking me for my rugby league tips for that week. Excellent distraction tactic. I was ill prepared for actually how violent a procedure a c-section is. Because I had skipped that chapter in the pregnancy book. I was going to have a completely natural birth, with no drugs, and there was no reason why I would need a c-section. The googy had other plans. She had one hand on her head and the other hand was hanging on to the cord. I remember seeing Josh’s face when they pulled her out and pronounced she was a girl (he has only ever wanted girls). He looked at me with more happiness and excitement than I had ever seen, and I knew she was ok. Her birth was a physical manifestation of our marriage. We had said the words, but she brought them to life and no matter what happened in the future, we were inextricably joined forever in this tiny little person.

Very quickly, all of my ‘ideas’ about parenthood and babies went out the window. Fair warning: you should never develop any firm ideas about parenthood before you actually have a baby – you’re likely to end up looking like a bit of an ass. I slept with her in the bed with me in hospital because I couldn’t bear to put her in the bassinet, just arm’s reach away, it was too far. I mainly dozed at first, because I enjoyed the feeling of her on my chest so much. I was comforted by her heart beat and her soft breath.

Breastfeeding was a challenge. I had damaged nipples and we struggled to find a good latch. I felt I was failing her at something that was so important, and was supposed to be so natural. I cried a lot. My desire to breastfeed was strong enough that I persisted through the excruciating pain and the dread of each feeding. Two things got me through it and to the other side where breastfeeding was enjoyable and painless. Josh gave me support and understanding through the hard times, allowed me the freedom to consider other options if I couldn’t get through it, acknowledged my efforts and held my hand as I bawled my eyes out through the pain. A wonderful midwife and lactation consultant also set me on the right path with the latch and spurred me on further, telling me that it was obvious how much I loved Riley, given the extent of the damage. Once in a while though, when I was up for the umpteenth time of the night breastfeeding Riley or trying to get her back to sleep and Josh was next to me snoring, I was tempted to beat him over the head with something.

I became an avid breastfeeder, and fell quickly and easily into on demand feeding, because it was so much easier than anything else. Sometimes it seemed like Riley was breastfeeding for 6 hours straight. I loved the closeness and connection of breastfeeding and often fed her to sleep, through teething pain, or whenever she needed a little bit more comfort. Josh would often stroke her head, hands or feet while I was breastfeeding, and it was a bonding time for him too. Josh used to walk past the formula in the supermarket and say ‘it’s not right, I’m so glad we didn’t have to go there.’And although we were both ready when we stopped, I missed it once it was gone.

Josh had three months paternal leave when Riley was born. And I needed him, every day. I was so grateful that we had that time together as a young family. When I was barely conscious from exhaustion he would take Riley for long walks while I either slept or just stared off into the distance, allowing myself to unplug. He fed me at all times of the day and night, quick meals that I could scoff down before catching some sleep. He proudly set up the co-sleeper in our bed at night, and on the couch during the day. He often used the night light to look at her while she slept (or check that she was breathing). Riley stayed in the co-sleeper until she was too big at around three months. At which point she moved to the bassinet (still in our room) for the first sleep of the night and then she usually slept with us after that. I mastered the art of the night-time breastfeeding and was able to sleep through most of her latching on. When she was too big for the bassinet, we moved her to the cot (in her room) at around 6 months. But it didn’t last long and she slept in our bed off-and-on until she was about 14 months. Although she’s now in a toddler bed and sleeps in her room, whenever she wakes up in the night we still enjoy co-sleeping, even look forward to it. We both wavered at times on the whole parenting to sleep thing, due to exhaustion, frustration and no prospect of change. Luckily, we never wavered at the same time. She was over a year before she started sleeping through with any reliability. And now, with hindsight, we both realise how short that time really is. When we were in it, we were so desperate for her to sleep through. But now, we both realise that the period of babydom is so much shorter than we were really ready for it to be. Parenting to sleep can be frustrating, boring and exhausting. Parenting to sleep can also be a special time for quiet connection. Josh loves it when Riley falls asleep next to him, and he sees her heavy eyes close and her body claimed by slumber.

We both preferred the sling or the carrier to the stroller. Sometimes it was a battle to decide who would do the carrying. It was a joy to have her mushy little face fall asleep against your chest. Even better was when she would wake up, slightly disoriented, and look up to realise that we were still there and she would get a happy little smile on her face. And I am one of those parents who carries her toddler around while pushing the pram. Because contrary to some of my opinions before Riley was born, babies and toddlers are actually people with emotions and needs and preferences. Riley has a preference for being held most of the time and I count myself lucky that we have such a cuddly daughter.

I happened across a natural parenting website by accident. And there it was, our parenting style, reflected back to me. None of it by design. Josh and I had floundered our way through early parenthood all through intuition and instinct, and landed somewhere that was totally comfortable for us and all three of our relationships.

The greatest difficulty Josh faced as a parent was not anything to do with sleep deprivation, or discipline, or the fact that he occasionally struggled to engage with her when she was a little baby and she didn’t really do anything other than lie there – prepared to be entertained. It was when she was really sick and she had her trip to the ICU. And it wasn’t that it was scary, or traumatic or the fact that we were completely out of control. It was after that, when she was getting better. She would cry if he came near her, and she would push him away if he came too close. She would also cry if she ever saw us hugging or kissing. And she was still hoarse from the tubes, and any cry was devastating to hear. After the trauma of her hospitalisation, all he wanted to do was hold her and cuddle her and kiss her and keep her close. And it broke his heart, over and over again. His pain was naked and raw. It was made worse by the fact that she didn’t even have the strength to crawl or sit up on her own, but she somehow found the energy reserves to make her rejection of his advances known. It took a long time, and an absolute commitment on his part to demonstrate his adoration for her, regardless. Sometimes he was frustrated, sometimes he was deflated and sometimes he was just plain hurt. And eventually, she returned to herself again, and to him. Now, you would never know it had even happened. So when the other day she crawled onto his lap for a cuddle after her nap, or when a few months ago her first clear word was “Josh”, he treasures it all the more.

Co-parenting wasn’t always easy for us. At times we were both frustrated with her clear preference for mama. I often wished that he could put her to sleep, and while this sometimes happened, more often than not, my presence was a requirement.  Because I stay at home most of the time, it is also difficult sometimes to make that transition from me doing everything all day to us both participating equally either at night or on the weekend. That is still something we are working on. Our styles are different. Not in a core way, which definitely makes things easier. But, nonetheless, there are differences. Because I’m at home all day, I tend to pick my battles. That is something that Josh is still working on. I am more permissive than he is, and that is still something we’re working out together.

Since we both want to avoid day care if we can, Josh has started taking a day off once a month where he looks after Riley and I go into work. This has been great for both of us. He gets to see how the other half lives, has one-on-one time with Riley, and all in all tends to have the time of his life. Last time he had a day off, when i got home and asked him how his day was, he replied ‘just wonderful’.

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A Letter

Posted on October 27, 2009 5 Comments

For a while now I’ve wanted to write a letter to the Googy – and after reading other letters here, here and here, was finally inspired to do exactly that.
Grinny monkey

All letters like this begin exactly the same way. I can’t believe you’re 18 months old. Little people make time speed up. It’s true and not just something that old people say.

When you were born you were 10 days late, or fully cooked as I prefer to think of it. It seems that you’ve been trying to make up for it ever since and are never able to do anything quickly enough. At first I couldn’t see you, just here your cries – and what an incredible relief that was. I could see Josh’s face though. He was more happy, joyful and excited than I had ever seen him. He had really wanted a girl. And there you were. He’d wanted a girl so much he had flatly refused to even acknowledge that it was a possibility that you could be a boy. I thought you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I still think that.

You first smiled when you were only a few days old. And I didn’t pay any attention to the books that said it was too early for a ‘real’ smile. Because I knew you were smiling. You were such a jolly baby.And a snuggly one. Even now, as a fully fledged toddler when I pick you up, smell your breath and kiss your mooshy cheeks, I can still hold on to that bit of you that is still a baby.

Every age I loved. And I loved discovering who you were at every age. Once upon a time you cried whenever you needed something, now you mostly point. And the only word that you use consistently is moon. Because you love the moon. I have no idea why. You also love airplanes. When they disappear from the sky you look at me as though I had the power to bring them back for you to look at. Now, when you want to be picked up your arms reach up as high as they will go and you look up at me with those big blue eyes and my heart breaks a little bit.

Now, when I see you running around, I can’t quite believe it. So steady on your feet. I think you would spend all your waking hours outside if it was at all possible: rain, hail or shine. Even though you are fiercely independent and like to do everything yourself, occasionally you have a ‘I’d like to crawl back into the womb’ day and I treasure these because I’m going to blink and you will be embarrassed to hold my hand when we cross the road. That is how it should be. If I don’t love you well passed the point of embarrassment I’m doing it wrong.

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10 Things I Didn’t Read in What to Expect

Posted on October 5, 2009 14 Comments

Teethy Grin

1. Babies Never Settle into a Routine, Ever

As soon as you get used to one thing, they change it. And then they change it again.

2. Dirty Nappies are the Least of Your Concern

You may think that changing dirty nappy after dirty nappy is the worst part of having a newborn but really that barely even makes a dent – that’s the easy bit.

3. Teething Never Really Stops

It just has a nanna nap for brief periods of time. And then it’s more teething. And it’s a whole lot worse than any of the symptoms described in any book.

4. There is Nothing Natural About Breastfeeding

At least there wasn’t for me and it took persistence, professional support and a whole lot of luck for me to succeed at breastfeeding.

5. If You Had any Modesty, Childbirth Will Rid You Of It

Once you’ve had an internal examination, most other things pale in comparison.

6. You’ll Learn to Appreciate Showers Like Never Before

In part because you realise that they are more of a luxury than a necessity, but mostly because they become the only 5 minute slice of solitude that you can carve out in a 24 hour period.

7. Sleep When the Baby Sleeps Is Hit-and-Miss

For one thing at some point you have to eat. My diet consisted mainly of peanut butter on toast because I could consume the most amount of calories in the least amount of time. Often by the time you get through eating, having a shower, trying to get to sleep, not being able to get to sleep because you’re stressed about when the baby is going to wake up again, it’s too late because guess what? The baby is awake. Oh and another thing – cosleeping isn’t just for attachment parents. Everyone cosleeps at some stage.

8. You Get Used to Bumps and Bruises

The first time your baby bumps their head you may obsessively check them for signs of concussion, but after a while unless their bleeding, you barely notice. Seriously – it will happen THAT often.

9. The Lack of Sleep Isn’t What Is Exhausting

It’s having to be mentally on for as long as they are awake for. This calms down with time – but even so having to be aware of what they are doing all the time is exhausting. Once they’re a toddler and they are into EVERYTHING you wonder what you were ever worried about when they were a newborn blob and incapable of moving.

10. You Will Become One of THOSE Parents

You know the ones – they think their baby is the most beautiful creature on the planet (and be completely oblivious to your own bias) and become fascinated by every tiny little thing their little one does and bore 90% of the people they talk to with it. I admit it – I am guilty, guilty, guilty. You’ll see what I mean if you look back over photos of your toddler when they were a newborn and realise that although they are unbelievably cute they aren’t nearly as adorable as you remember them being.

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