I saw this article yesterday about a study done in the UK where they had found that children who were smacked up until the age of 6 were more successful in later life than children who weren’t smacked. I was reading some of the comments on the post at Her Bad Mother and I started to notice a bit of a common thread.
I’m not a smacker. I’ve chosen not to be a smacker because I don’t believe in the efficacy of physical discipline, I don’t agree with the message it sends and I just don’t think it’s necessary. That being said, it is every parent’s choice to decide what type of discipline is right for them. I wasn’t smacked as a child, and felt very strongly that I didn’t want Riley to be smacked. Mr Goog was smacked, and figured he had turned out just fine. But given I had strong feelings about it and he didn’t, we decided together to not use it with Riley.
I don’t find it strange when people choose to use physical discipline with their children. I do find it strange when people say they intend not to smack, but would like to reserve it for ‘just in case’ they do end up needing it. Although I can understand the sentiment of not ruling anything out, because kids have a way of making liars out of you, no matter what. And I’m not talking about the situation that was discussed in Her Bad Mother’s original post about smacking, but the logic of not agreeing with smacking, but allowing for the possibility of it regardless.
Generally speaking, the most common rationale is that smacking might be alright if your child is in a dangerous situation. Here’s where the argument starts to lose traction for me. If you can reach them to smack them, then surely you can reach them to pull them away from the danger? Personally, I think if I opened the door to smacking, then eventually I would be that frustrated, that scared, or that tired that I would eventually resort to it. For me, I think by taking it off the table, it makes it much more likely that I will never smack.
So suppose, for me and for our family, it’s a bit like the argument for cry it out. Crying it out does work. But it is precisely the fact that it does work that it concerns me, and why it works.As far as smacking is concerned, I have chosen not to because I think it’s more about punishment than discipline; that it does teach children – but it’s not a lesson I want Riley to learn and I’d also be worried that down the track it might lead to bullying on her part.
I realise it won’t be easy, particularly once we start adding to our brood, and it’s not just Riley’s needs that I have to worry about. As we venture more and more into toddlerdom and the necessity for consistent discipline I have come to realise that one of the most effective tools at my disposal is not always treating my needs as superior to hers. Sometimes yes, that is a necessity. But not always. The other day we were on the trampoline and I wanted her to get out so we could do the whole shower and bedtime routine. She most definitely did not want to get out. That’s exactly the type of situation I’m talking about. I’m bigger, stronger and meaner and I could enforce my will on her. But it wasn’t a danger situation (obviously), and in the grand scheme of things not that big of a deal. So we stayed on the trampoline for another 5 minutes and I asked her again if she wanted to go have a shower, at which point she was happy to go.
Riley’s still young and I don’t think I’ve really been tested in my no-spanking resolve as yet. There just haven’t been any real danger situations and she is currently an only child with often my undivided attention. I always say the true test of character is how you are not on your best days, but the type of person you are on your worst days. And believe me, there are some days when I’m not the type of person I would like. I’ve verbally lost the plot with Riley a few times. And for me, that’s just as bad as a smack. I can only hope that in the future, my character will be up to the challenge of discipline without physical (or verbal) punishment.
Because those cheeks of hers were made for kissing. And I don’t mind if she turns into a big softie. I am.
Really interesting read Zoey. It’s fantastic you have a very clear picture in your head in relation to discipline. I think that is half the battle.
x
Thanks Kelly. I agree! Being able to whole-heartedly believe in the way you choose to discipline is really important.
[...] Spoken 8 January 2010 2 views No Comment One of the comments from Amber on the Success of Smacking to me to thinking about being soft [...]
For me, it’s not so much a matter of asserting whether or not I’d allow for it in certain circumstances as it is a matter of acknowledging that I’m not in a position to judge who other parents who might use it under certain circumstances, having been caught in ‘certain circumstances’ myself. In my case, yes, I could reach my daughter, but the problem was that she was having a protracted manic batshit moment and was actively and aggressively pulling away from me, with the stroller, into traffic. It was becoming impossible to hold on to her and the stroller-with-baby at the same time, and if I’d let go of her she would have careened into the street. I needed to her to COOL HER SH*T DOWN and fast, REALLY fast. So I held the stroller with my foot for a moment and hollered EMILIA STOP and paddled her bottom. I’m still unhappy about it. But I’m still not sure what I could have done differently. So I refuse to say that I *know* that there are no circumstances under which a spanking should tolerated, and I refuse to judge absolutely another parent who might have to resort to it under extraordinary circumstances. I just don’t believe, rightly or wrongly, that we can say that we know what the absolutely right thing to do is in all circumstances, nor that we know that we ourselves could reliably put that right thing into practice. Before I did it, I had sworn up and down that I would never strike one of my children. UP AND DOWN. But then I found myself in a situation where I was at a loss and I did. For that reason I resist judging.
As I said in the post, it’s up to every parent to choose what kind of discipline is appropriate for them, and I’m not in a position to judge that. What I was trying to say (perhaps not that eloquently) was that for me, personally, I think holding smacking as an option in reserve, would eventually lead to smacking, even if I was never faced with the type of situation you found yourself in. And that (again, for me personally), I think that it’s not something I want to resort to.
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I really don’t want to spank.I was slapped, spanked, “whipped” as a child. Not often..and it wasn’t “abuse” but it wasn’t something that taught me a real lesson.
I was afraid of getting caught because that meant getting hit..rather than learning to control myself in the first place.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Thanks, but No Thanks? =-.
I think often times by the time you want to spank a child, you really shouldn’t because you are too angry and is more to do with frustration and anger than discipline.
I really want to be a calm parent. I’m afraid to even say “no” to Alexa now…even though “they” say she should respond to it by now. I said it today…in a stern tone…and she looked at me like I was crazy. It was almost heart breaking, and it was nothing.
In my “normal” life I’m a yeller. I scream and cry and fight with my family, with Peter…with those closest to me. I WANT to be different for Alexa. I don’t want her to end up like me.
Luckily Peter is crazy calm.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Thanks, but No Thanks? =-.
I think both have their pros and cons really. It’s great to be calm – but not if you’re bottling everything up – it’s much better (and healthier I think) to have everything out in the open.
So I guess I”m kind of going for a balance. And I think it’s also good for Riley to see how I deal with stress, frustration etc even if it’s not always pretty ;o)
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We do not smack, slap or spank. I feel it is not EVER appropriate to do this to an adult (S&M aside) and therefore is less appropriate to do it to a kid.
In your trampoline example, I may have given Elias 5 more minutes, or I may have removed him from the trampoline and led him by the hand (NOT drag him, just take his hand and start walking so he follows) back inside.
Elias really started to test us a lot around 18 months and it hasn’t let up since. I don’t want to yell either, but I let that slip sometimes. I read 1-2-3 Magic and while it’s definitely not a perfect system, I do like how the method takes emotion and anger out of discipline.
.-= Lynda´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
Given that I was raised without smacking, I don’t really see how a smack on the bum is so different from a smack across the face.
The times that I have lost it (which usually entails me raising my voice and saying “Riley” in a not very nice tone, and her melting into a puddle of tears because I’m normally very soft spoken) I always apologise and explain to her that it wasn’t about her at all. Even though she is still very young, I still think that she understands alot.
[...] were two things that we both agreed on while I was pregnant, we would not be smackers and we would not cry it out. I felt very strongly about both of those [...]