I was shopping for a dress a few days ago. She asked if I was buying a dress for something in particular and I said i was going to a conference. The sales woman peered in at Piper in her pram. Piper had temporarily forgotten how cranky she was with the whole shopping trip and was playing with the curtain in the fitting room.
‘Your first time away from her?’
‘No. I went to New York for two weeks. She’s a seasoned professional.’ I say it with some pride and some sorrow. And they mix into an ache that I can’t quite put my finger on.
The ache will be permanent, I suspect. The price of who I am as a mother and who I am as a person not always matching up or complimenting one another. Sometimes they argue. Sometimes they mumble their complaint and sometimes they roar their defiance. And sometimes they sit happily next to one another, enjoying the view. But they are not the same person.
And yet sometimes when one of them is lost and in the dark, the other one is able to shine a light and lead the way. In that respect, they are both mothers.
Sometimes people put words around thoughts in a way I haven’t yet been able to and you have here Z. I know this with every inch of me. Xxxx
I think motherhood is one huge self induced guilt trip. You don’t take the time away that frankly every human being needs and you snap because well it’s tough having to answer the same questions over and over day in and day out. You do take that short break and you feel guilty that you’re not with them.
Don’t let the guilt beat you. You’re a wonderful mother.
So well said Zoey. It’s that internal push and pull of who we were pre-kids and the mum we have become. But remembering who we were, and still being that person when we need to be will surely make us better at being the mum part?
“And sometimes they sit happily next to one another, enjoying the view. But they are not the same person.”This is so brilliant Zoey. I really need this. Thank you x
I’m not a mother, so I don’t know if I “can” comment… but keeping true to yourself as a woman as well as a mother sounds like a damn good example for your daughter to see throughout her life.
Of course you can! And I agree, it’s a great example for them. It is hard when they are at odds and both want very different things – but I think you are right it is a good thing for my girls to see that as well.
Lovely!