Pragmatism sounds like a positive word doesn’t it? It feels nice to use such a positive word. Even though I feel like a big fat failure. But the word is good and that’s something.
I always said I would never let my babies cry. I’m sure there are a bazillion blog posts on this very blog about how I wouldn’t let them cry and even more specifically I wouldn’t let Piper cry just because she was a second child. And even more specifically that I wouldn’t let her cry as a form of sleep training.
I can see now that some of the things in the past that I’ve said, well they kind of make me an asshole. Because I was that person who looked down on controlled crying. And would say that I didn’t believe in it. And you know what the hardest thing is? I still don’t. And I still did it.
The easy thing about having one child is that you have a lot of freedom to parent whatever way you want. If they need to be held or worn to sleep for the first year you can do that. You might have conflicts with work you need to get done or housework or the need to shower occasionally but usually you can do it if you really want to. The problem with Piper’s sleep wasn’t that I was sleep deprived. I’m not sleep deprived at all. Because she generally sleeps very well once in bed with me. It’s that Riley was attention deprived. And unfortunately if I was spending half of the day parenting Piper to sleep, Riley was drawing the short straw. And her behaviour showed it. She was acting out and aggressive and just generally not her normal delightful self.
And all of a sudden I’ve got a decision to make. And it’s bullshit. Either I do some sleep training with Piper and actually get to spend time with Riley during the day or I put Riley on TV babysitter and parent Piper to sleep and hope it doesn’t last that long.
So we started sleep training. And it was hard. Really hard. And even though I am comfortable with my decision, it made me deeply sad to do it. And it still makes me sad that it was done. And it continues to make me realise just how judgemental I’ve been in the past. But mostly it makes me sad. My twitter and facebook people got me through the first day. That and alot of wine. And they were understanding and supportive and lovely.
Sometimes when you put yourself out there you get another kind of comment as well. Which I got on Twitter. Which I was ok with because I got so much more loveliness than anything else. But it did remind me that there’s a time and place for things. And even if you are passionately anti sleep training, that first day where a parent has committed to it and is doing it – that’s not the time to voice your opinion. It is not the time to make them feel worse. Somebody asking me if I would leave my husband shaking and screaming alone in a room did make me feel worse because I was vulnerable and I was having a horrible day. The next time I think about expressing an opinion about someone’s parenting choices I’m going to think about that.
And that first night after she’d finally gone to sleep (and woke up after a few hours) and I scooped her up to take her to bed with me I was so relieved to snuggle with her in bed. And glad that I was still co-sleeping.
It’s now been about a week. Riley is back to herself. Piper has started going to sleep on her own without protest (she hasn’t started sleeping through cycles yet but she has started sleeping a little bit longer at night) and I have a house that occasionally looks clean. Things are improving, so I’m happy to keep going.
Pragmatism is a positive word but I still feel sad.
I’m really sorry you feel like you have failed Zoey. To me, it sounds like you’ve succeeded! You’ve been able to see past your own parenting ideals to the needs of both your children and respond to them – that’s a huge success in my book love xx
Opinions, huh? They’re a minefield. I am new to this mothering gig, so half expect my position to change (I bet it will the first time my kid is hurt in a playground) but I honestly don’t care what other parents do. Except if they smoke when pregnant, or give their kids coke in a baby bottle! But I still don’t think I’d ever express an opinion to their face. Maybe I’m gutless and that’s it! But honestly… the world is full of different people, all raised differently, all raising their kids differently. I don’t have the time to worry about it all. I’m mostly sad for you that you had to try a technique that normally goes against your grain. That would be so hard. I hate even more someone stuck their big nose in. Sometimes, though, the ends really do justify the means xx
There was alot of wine and chocolate to get myself through the against the grain bit, that’s for sure. But as much as I might not like it sometimes my preferred parenting style is just not suited to my kid’s personality.
Thanks Louisa. I’m sure I’ll get there, I’m just not there yet xox
Exactly what Louisa has said. There are times that I have parented in a way that wasn’t my ideal, but I’ve had to put the greater good of the family first. I’ve found this especially with child number 3.
You haven’t failed, you’re parenting two, individual souls. This requires balance and compromise. You’re doing a brilliant job. x
We used crying it out with Bluey.My view is, crying, it won’t hurt your child. Leaving them alone to cry for prolonged periods isn’t something I’m comfortable with, but crying is going to happen, and yep sometimes my need to use the toilet or eat wins out.
Bluey learnt to put himself to sleep pretty quickly and always could from the start. He never cried for more than 2 minutes.
Greenie was another story. He couldn’t self settle, and crying it out did nothing. I used to put him down and go hang a load of washing out and come back to a distraught baby. It didn’t work. We had to work things out another way, but I am a firm believer in giving the older child one on one time rather than the younger, if you have to choose. The older HAD one on one time, and it’s something they need, the younger one has always had to share and doesn’t really notice they’re missing out.
I think that parenting is deeply personal. No one can tell you if you’re doing it right or wrong because no one knows your kids and their needs better than you. You have to do it your way and make your own mistakes. So you do what you need to Zoey.
Ha! That’s funny I approach it exactly the opposite way. I figure Riley had three years of one-on-one time and that’s three years that Piper’s never going to get so I tend to want to give her as much attention as possible and not take advantage of her easy going nature too much.
But you are absolutely right. So personal.
Thanks Corinne! The balance is definitely a work in progress
Looking back now, on all the things I do that I said I never would, and the way I judged people, I’m embarrassed. I used to be such a stick in the mud, and it’s only with time and experience that I have realised life is not black and white; it’s a hundred and one shades of grey.
I think you did the right thing; you weighed your options to work out what was best for everyone, and didn’t make an emotional decision, and that is good parenting.
Oh me too. It is so embarrassing looking back on it.
I’m totally against controlled crying, but I too got to a point in my parenting where I did it (with one of my children). My point of view is that it shouldn’t be an easy decision. Some parents are quite happy to do it with tiny babies, because they are sick of getting up a couple of nights to them. Other parents do it because they get to a point of desperation and feel that they have no choice. For me it was a really hard decision, that came from desperation. Sounds like you had a really hard decision to make as well, that came out of needing to compromise. I think that is one of the hardest things about being a mum, is that you can’t give everything to all of your children, all of the time. I agree with Jess that it sounds like good parenting.
Hugs, and I hope the hardest part is over for you.
xx Sannah
I’m glad all the supportive comments far outweighed the one person who felt it their duty to make you feel bad about your decision. I wanted to do the controlled crying thing for my son, and we did, for a little while, but it didn’t last. It didn’t work, mostly because it usually ended up in BOTH of us crying. In the end I just decided he would “get it eventually” and he did, but he’s an only child, so there was no pressure or rush to make him get it. I think everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I will never understand why people feel it’s their right to push their opinion on others. I’m glad she’s starting to sleep longer and take herself off to sleep. Nick didn’t do that until about 2 years!!
I keep meaning to comment on your posts because lately I’ve been really relating to them – I’ve got two little people of similar ages to yours, but then that’s the main reason I haven’t got around to commenting, I keep getting distracted by mum duty. Anyway, I’ve got two minutes and even though I’ve forgotten all the thoughtful things I was going to say, I just wanted to compliment you on a great post. It’s so true that our parenting beliefs and styles are challenged by real life and the addition of a child changes the mix as well. You really have to take the needs of the family as a whole into consideration when making parenting decisions and a lot of the time it’s a compromise and hard to know what’s best. Hope the sleeping continues to improve, we’ve got sleep issues with our first (3.2 years) and I know how time consuming it can be when you have to help bubbas go to sleep, hours and hours…
Oh I’ll say it here too, loved your post about having a non fussy eater after a picky one! I know exactly what you mean, our first was/is a fussy eater and our second just eats anything! It’s so fun feeding her! I make up combinations of food and experiment with different things and she enjoys her food so much it’s a pleasure to cook for her. I had an epiphany today that I should reapproach our first’s eating habits, instead of thinking ‘oh he won’t eat that’ I should take the same approach as I am with our daughter and just try and offer it to him anyway.
We ended up sleep training Alexa after about 20 months. It only took a few nights and she actually slept pretty damn good from there on out. I guess that bit of info has shaped my tolerance for it this time around. No, I won’t let me infant CIO, but I know that if I have to put her down she’ll live, she may cry, but she’ll live. Alexa was on me 24/7, but I could allow it because I had no other absolute responsibilities.
This time I’ll HAVE to get up and do things with the toddler even if the infant would rather me sit and nurse. I’m more committed to baby wearing this time around though, hoping that’s the best of both worlds since I’ll be able to tend to both at the same time *fingers crossed*
Pragmatic parenting – I think you’ve just described my style perfectly. I couldn’t agree with every word you’ve said more Zoey! You know I’ve had to do the same in the last few weeks and it has made a HUGE difference in our house to everyone! I parent solo a lot and really can’t get by without pragmatism. I respect you SO much for sharing your experience and doing something you thought best for all your family in spite of what your beliefs tell you. That kind of difficult decision is the crux of parenting! Big hugs xxx
Parenting well is about working out what values are important to you for your family and then trying to make decisions based on those values. It is then a matter of trial, error, adjustment, and continuing to find out what works for you. With each new child can come a new set of circumstances and we may need to make changes to adjust. Which is exactly what you are doing.
You’re not failing Zoey. You’re surviving. And I guarantee neither child loves you any less
Yep. I parent solo alot too. And I think the sleep going south while Riley was on break from preschool didn’t do anyone any favours!
I think I could do things according to my values a lot more easily if I had a full-time cleaner
But thank you I like that way of thinking about it because it allows for you to make room for ideals but still have flexibility for the practicality of life.
Thanks Laney xx