The first time I ever met the intake nurse when I was pregnant with Riley and they were doing an assessment, she said to me ‘you look like a confident person’.
And I am a confident person. I am contained. Things rattle me. But they do on the inside. Like I have a cage around me. And the cage rattles, but I stay still.
I thought it was funny on GOMI the other day, I was referred to as having a high opinion of myself and having low self esteem. And the truth is, probably both of those things are true.
I travel along, having a high opinion of myself and then sometimes things back up on me. And all I can see is the great big mountain of mistakes that I have made that people can’t forgive me for. Or even if they could forgive me, they see it as a defining feature. Something that doesn’t move, or change or alter. And it overwhelms me temporarily.
And I can see what they see. How far I have fallen short of the vision I have for myself. And for awhile that’s all I see. It stares at me, like I’m looking into a never ending crevasse. Which is all white snow and black space and nothing that lies in between.
But it’s not real. I am grey. I will always be grey. I will never be white snow or black space. I will always lie somewhere in between.
There are lots of things I value in people, but as I get older and perhaps more weary, loyalty is the only one that means a damn. There are a lot of things that are forgivable. Almost anything is forgivable, really. If I can understand it, I can forgive it. Disloyalty is not something I understand. But it doesn’t mean I won’t try. Trying is worth it.
My shin splints acted up today. Just when I thought I was over it. And perhaps only other runners will understand the sadness of not being able to run, when it’s all I want.
Tomorrow I will wake up. And the sun will shine on the chubby cheeks of my toddler and reflect off the blue eyes of my first baby and nothing else will seem to matter so much.
But today I’m falling into the crevasse of white and black. But I am grey, and it is not who I am.