It can be hard to protect yourself from the onslaught of opinions and advice and judgement. It could overwhelm you if you let it. Seep into your pores, and sit in your skin, like it lives there, but it doesn’t live there. It doesn’t belong. It sits there mimicking your skin telling you that you are a crap mother or a crap person or you are mean or you are not enough. Not crafty enough. Not smart enough. Not tidy enough. Not fun enough. Not nice enough. Not inspirational enough. Not happy enough. Telling you that you are without something that you need. But it doesn’t belong there. And if you care about yourself, you can’t let it stay. One day you have to look at yourself in the mirror, hard. And shake it off. It can’t stay.
There are two things that protect you from that.
You have to know who you are. If you know who you are it doesn’t matter if someone else thinks you are boring, ugly, stupid, annoying or just plain doing it wrong. Because you know who you are. You know all the things about yourself that they can never know. You know that you are funny. Sure, not everyone thinks you are funny. But you know there are people who get you and think you are freaking hilarious. You know that you have a beautiful spirit and you ache for the hardships of others. You know that you try really hard, at everything, even when failure is a certainty. You know that you move mountains for your friends and you do all manner of stupid stuff just to make them smile. You know who you are. And you are a good person. Sometimes people see it. Sometimes they don’t. But the only thing that matters is that you see it.
And you know what I tell myself when insults start getting thrown my way or judgements are shot in my direction. Or even if they aren’t really directed at me, but it feels like they are. I think to myself, I would be able to come up with a better insult than that. I could craft it more beautifully, or make it more eloquent or make it more damn poetic. I could make that boring, repetitive, mind numbingly predictable insult more interesting if I had a mind to. Because no one can insult me like I can. No one can say anything that I haven’t already told myself. Except my version is more mean. And all of a sudden that insult is gone. That judgement isn’t even close to getting near my skin. Because it can’t stay. And it’s gone.
One of my favourite quotes of all time comes from Maya Angelou. I think it was in the context of abusive relationships but really, it’s such a great approach. She said ‘when somebody shows you who they are, believe them’
I know who I am. All I can do is ask that you believe me.
This is such a great post. I think knowing yourself and then believing it (good and bad) is one of the hardest challenges one can overcome in life. x
This post brings so much memory back to me. I admire you
tremendously Zoey and I am always interested in what you have to say. I know who
you are and I am proud to call you my friend.
As a ten or eleven year old I escaped from my Father’s iron
grip during a hiding and squeezed into the space between the fridge and
underneath the kitchen table. My father couldn’t punch me any more but he could
still kick me. I can remember noise, I can remember my mother shouting, at him
that it was enough, and I can remember that I was as angry as my father as I
screamed back at him, “I am not what you say I am.”
When I was in my twenties I would let the alcohol and the
rage take me away and I would pick a fight with my husband so I could punch him
instead. I would have furious fist fights with Jeff and I would smash things
for the beautiful noise a shattering window made that was the noise of my rage
and anger because my father died when I was 15 and I could not physically
fight his ghost.
In order to protect myself Zoey, I do not think about others
opinions of me. Until sometimes all those opinions do come crowding in and
engulf me in a blackness of failure and then I do believe my father’s words,
that I am stupid and useless. That I am a horrible person who is selfish and jealous. I believe that I am not liked by
anyone at all, that my work is shit, that I am shit.
Then after a morning ,or a day or a week, I will shake the blackness
off and I will come back to myself with the realization that it is only my
opinion of me that counts.
I know who I am and I like who I see in the mirror.
Wow, Kim. This gave me chills. It’s horrifying, but a beautiful piece of writing. And so full of truth.
Gorgeous writing from gorgeous you.
I think knowing yourself is at the heart of being a strong person. “To thine own self be true” is something I have always lived. It has guided me through much. There are times when that all sits on my skin too (what a great way of describing it!) but never for long. I know that you’re describing the criticism you have of yourself as your truth though reading that my friend speaks to herself in that way stings a bit. I am so glad though of your wisdom, kindness and self belief cos I know you but a little in reality and think you’re wonderful! X
Such a wonderful post.Your words are written in such a beautiful way to reinforce self belief.Im sure this will help many readers because unfortunately there has been a lot of negativity floating about the cyber wolrd lately.Everyone needs a little positve boost now and then and a reminder of how important it is not to let the negatives in.Thankyou for taking the time to remind us to look within ourselves and see all the good that is there.xx
I need that quote tattooed on my forehead
I have ‘Know Thyself’ tattooed on my arm. So important.
What a boring Post!!
No, it is so true!, unfortunately we fall in to the trap of letting others define who we are, and if it happens long enough, we believe that and loose who we really are. Thats what I do, and it can be hard to find your way back again.
HaHa,
Yes, this exactly.
I so need a lesson in this… because you are so right, and because I really suck at knowing how I am, and being brave enough to just be me
Wow, I just wrote a post that said almost this same thing! It can be hard to maintain your center when your putting yourself out there publicly, again and again. But when you manage to do that, it’s empowering. x
My favourite quote is “What anyone else things of you is none of your business”. People who tell you who you are, who only see what they want to see, are really seeing and talking about themselves. Nobody can really know anyone else. We don’t live in each other’s heads. It might feel like that to those of us who blog and read blogs, but it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I love that quote too x
Great post. It is so true, and you are especially right about the criticisms of ourselves. I love that Maya Angelou quote as well.
Great quote Zoey and so true.
Just beautiful, Zoey. I believe you.
I love this.
lovely post. Maya Angelou is amazing.
Can’t comment. Too busy crying. x
More than that, I believe that if all this people come to your home/blog to see/hear you is because we like what you have to say and how you say it. Keep saying what you feel like, we’ll keep listening
Even if some people might tell you otherwise… but damn, you’re too smart to need me to tell you this!
I believe you. This was just beautiful. Your words have power and you use them wisely. Thank you for sharing this <3
I admire your strength and belief in yourself, Zoey. This was my favourite bit of this post: “You have to know who you are. If you know who you are it doesn’t matterif someone else thinks you are boring, ugly, stupid, annoying or just
plain doing it wrong. Because you know who you are.”