Every now and then I read something awesome about a mother reclaiming herself from the expectations of motherhood and pursuing her dreams and I am surprised that I don’t feel the same way.
I read about the lack of mental stimulation, the mind numbing domesticity and all the things that you just put on the back burner until you have a teeny bit of space left to even think about getting to it. And it’s all true. I don’t tend to have overly intellectually stimulating conversations with the children. They have extremely short attention spans. Having to tidy up the same patch of living area one million times a day is boring as all hell. And there are all kinds of things I put off because making babies is time limited and other things are far less so.
But frankly, I never expected to stay home. I expected to go back to work. And I didn’t really expect to like it either. Let’s be clear I don’t like tidying up or washing the dishes five million times a day or changing toddler nappies (baby nappies aren’t so bad. Toddler nappies are on a new level) or being asked ‘But why?!’ 570 times per day. Or having to be patient through yet another meltdown for no good reason at all.
But somehow I do like it and I don’t want to go back to work or go back to study. Admittedly I kind of live in the worst of both worlds territory where I do work from home. And when I think about being able to work in an office without the kids pulling at me, or yelling at me or asking me for food I do get a little bit nostalgic because that was pretty awesome.
You’d think that preschool days would be my favourite, but they actually aren’t. Riley loves it and I think it’s good practice for starting school and she’s making friends and they do all kinds of creative things that I would never get around to. But I don’t love those days. My favourite days are when we are all home together and I’m not working, or at least I get it out of the way nice and early. And we can just be. Sometimes I sit in the sun and they play outside. Sometimes we cook in the kitchen. Or sometimes they do their own thing while I potter about.
But I don’t feel like it’s holding me back from something I want to do. And I find that surprising. I suppose it’s best not to ask myself too many questions about that. I get asked enough questions as it is.