I lie there.
Riley is next to me, in the big bed. I wait to see if she’ll go to sleep. She fights naps now, which probably means she’s ready to give them up, but I hold on to them still. I have my back to her. So she won’t see me crying. And I try to minimise the way my body shakes with it.
Josh comes in. Trying to help. He doesn’t see the tears either. Because I don’t want him to. ‘Do you want puzzles?’ he asks her. I say, No. She won’t go to sleep if she has puzzles to play with. She chants puzzles for awhile after he leaves. She turns towards me for awhile and I roll over. She doesn’t notice that I’m upset. And I’m grateful. ‘Mummy’ she says and gives me a big grin. I feel immeasurably better and immensely worse all at the same time.
I take her clothes off, because she likes being naked to sleep. I rub her belly for awhile and eventually she rolls over and I just stroke her back. My hands width is as wide as her back. And her skin is soft and relaxed. And I know how lucky I am.
As she drifts off. I let myself cry again. I feel the great emptiness of my swollen womb. Which seems so vast. I want to crawl into a hole. I want to not want it. I wonder at how I can be so disappointed when I no longer even see each month as a possibility. But it feels like a broken promise. I lie there for awhile. Swollen and empty and sad.
I lean over and kiss her soft shoulder and soft cheek and for a brief moment I’m not wallowing in self-pity.
And I get up.
Hey zoey, I know this pain intimately and I am sorry for it. It’s a lonely place. I am here with you.
Hey zoey, I know this pain intimately and I am sorry for it. It’s a lonely place. I am here with you.
Oh I wish I could say or do something to make it all better. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers xoxo
Thanks Sarah xoxox I feel better for blurting it out there anyway.
much love to you zoey xoxoxox
Thanks Bronny xox
*hugs*
I’m sorry hon.
Oh, such a painful and beautiful moment. I was there 6 years ago and every day was like walking through jell-o. You have so beautifully captured the gift of the child you have and the pain of the one you long for. (And even the red-tinted photo that reminds me of the jell-o days!) Walking with you through this shadowy season…
Blessings,
Laurie
http://livingpower.blogspot.com
I think my comment just toasted… so here’s another shot. Just wanted to let you know that even though I’m new to following your posts, I’m glad we got connected on Twitter. It takes guts to be so real, so full of pain and joy at once. Thank you for sharing your heart here. Walking with you in this shadowy season as one who’s gone through the same journey…
-Laurie
http://livingpower.blogspot.com
You write so beautifully & honestly!!I’m so sorry…..your in my thoughts & I’m sending you lots of love through the internet waves! xox
Aw, Zoey, I’m so sorry!
You captured your raw emotions so beautifully, and this was very well -written! I hope you won’t have to write a post like this again! Praying for you!
im sending giant hugs to you.i’m so sorry.
xoxo
*hugs* I am in the same boat. You know where I am if you want to talk. xx
Hang in there. Thinking of you during this time. Sometimes our greatest blessings are a result of our darkest times.
Thank you everyone for all of your hugs, thoughts and prayers. It really means a lot to me.
Oh Zoey your sadness really came through in that post. ((hugs))
[...] hard to believe that when I didn’t realise I was pregnant yet, I cried my heart out and I did the same at the end of the pregnancy, and somehow deep down I thought this would make her [...]
Gems form the internet…
[...]very few websites that happen to be detailed below, from our point of view are undoubtedly well worth checking out[...]……
Gems form the internet…
[...]very few websites that happen to be detailed below, from our point of view are undoubtedly well worth checking out[...]……