I spot the day before my period at 1pm. That’s how it’s been for the last 6 months. It may be longer and it’s only recently that I’ve noticed. It’ hard to say. It’s how I know that a cycle is a bust. There have been other months where I’ve held out hope after the spotting, but it always ends badly for me. Always. So when my body was talking to me I decided to listen to it.
The day I wrote Cycle 8 was the day I got my spotting and I knew it was over for this month. I grieved for it. I wrote about it. And I got it out of my system.
It’s three days later. No period. My body or the universe or something is doing my head in. I don’t want to go into maybe. Maybe is the beginning of hope. For the last couple of days I have a running commentary going on ‘maybe it is . . .’ / ‘SHUT UP’ / ‘But maybe . . .’ / ‘Seriously Shut Up.’ I’m so tired of it. I just want this to be over and done with.
I want to fast forward this bit. This bit where I’m confused. Where I’m trying not to lapse into denial. And I’m trying really hard not to hope. I don’t think it’s working. I can’t take another pregnancy test. I can’t see another negative. Which leaves me no other option, except to wait. Wait for the fog to clear, wait for things to return to normal.
It’s one of the quirks of trying to conceive. As disappointed as a period makes you, it’s still a relief, because it’s freaking over.
And the fact that I had a leg spasm last night? The kind that I only ever recall having when I was pregnant or really drunk? Is not freaking helping (I wasn’t drunk). It’s not definitive it just feeds into my confusion. Through all of this the one thing that I’ve been able to rely on is that I’m pretty regular. My cycles are pretty much like clockwork. And now even that has abandoned me. Screw you, body!
In the meantime I’m going to try and ignore everything for a few days. I don’t anticipate success. But I do not want to grieve for this pregnancy twice. Once was enough.
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