Waiting

Posted on May 3, 2012 6 Comments


I believe you’ve met my two balls of energy?

Most days they get me up at 4:30-5am. I know. It’s technically still night time.

I average about 5 cups of coffee a day.

Where Riley is a peaceful, snuggly sleeper when she comes into our bed, Piper is a wriggly thrashy one.

I know people who are actually sleep deprived. I am not sleep deprived. But I like sleep. And I miss it. I miss being able to sleep in one stretch.

I’m not really sure but Piper usually wakes up about 3 times per night. I”m not really sure because if she wakes up when I’m going to bed I’ll just bring her in with me and then she will probably wake up a few times and I’ll put her dummy back in but I don’t really remember. And sometimes she just can’t settle in our bed so I’ll get up, put her in her bed and sometimes she’ll go straight to sleep, sometimes it takes awhile.

Eventually she will sleep through the night. I am waiting for that.

So different from Riley who needed so much help to get to sleep but slept for a whole lot longer at a stretch. Riley slept through at 14 months once she was able to go to sleep on her own. Piper goes to sleep on her own so there’s nothing left but to wait for her to figure the rest out.

The longest stretch of sleep she has had was probably from about 10:30 to 2:30 a few times. Still if I had a choice between hard to get to sleep but staying asleep and easy to get to sleep and waking frequently I still think I’d pick the latter.

In the meantime I’ll be waiting with my coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

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Ideals Meet Reality and the Pragmatism of Parenting

Posted on January 30, 2012 20 Comments

Pragmatism sounds like a positive word doesn’t it? It feels nice to use such a positive word. Even though I feel like a big fat failure. But the word is good and that’s something.
I always said I would never let my babies cry. I’m sure there are a bazillion blog posts on this very blog about how I wouldn’t let them cry and even more specifically I wouldn’t let Piper cry just because she was a second child. And even more specifically that I wouldn’t let her cry as a form of sleep training.

I can see now that some of the things in the past that I’ve said, well they kind of make me an asshole. Because I was that person who looked down on controlled crying. And would say that I didn’t believe in it. And you know what the hardest thing is? I still don’t. And I still did it.

The easy thing about having one child is that you have a lot of freedom to parent whatever way you want. If they need to be held or worn to sleep for the first year you can do that. You might have conflicts with work you need to get done or housework or the need to shower occasionally but usually you can do it if you really want to. The problem with Piper’s sleep wasn’t that I was sleep deprived. I’m not sleep deprived at all. Because she generally sleeps very well once in bed with me. It’s that Riley was attention deprived. And unfortunately if I was spending half of the day parenting Piper to sleep, Riley was drawing the short straw. And her behaviour showed it. She was acting out and aggressive and just generally not her normal delightful self.

And all of a sudden I’ve got a decision to make. And it’s bullshit. Either I do some sleep training with Piper and actually get to spend time with Riley during the day or I put Riley on TV babysitter and parent Piper to sleep and hope it doesn’t last that long.

So we started sleep training. And it was hard. Really hard. And even though I am comfortable with my decision, it made me deeply sad to do it. And it still makes me sad that it was done. And it continues to make me realise just how judgemental I’ve been in the past. But mostly it makes me sad. My twitter and facebook people got me through the first day. That and alot of wine. And they were understanding and supportive and lovely.

Sometimes when you put yourself out there you get another kind of comment as well. Which I got on Twitter. Which I was ok with because I got so much more loveliness than anything else. But it did remind me that there’s a time and place for things. And even if you are passionately anti sleep training, that first day where a parent has committed to it and is doing it – that’s not the time to voice your opinion. It is not the time to make them feel worse. Somebody asking me if I would leave my husband shaking and screaming alone in a room did make me feel worse because I was vulnerable and I was having a horrible day. The next time I think about expressing an opinion about someone’s parenting choices I’m going to think about that.

And that first night after she’d finally gone to sleep (and woke up after a few hours) and I scooped her up to take her to bed with me I was so relieved to snuggle with her in bed. And glad that I was still co-sleeping.

It’s now been about a week. Riley is back to herself. Piper has started going to sleep on her own without protest (she hasn’t started sleeping through cycles yet but she has started sleeping a little bit longer at night) and I have a house that occasionally looks clean. Things are improving, so I’m happy to keep going.

Pragmatism is a positive word but I still feel sad.

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Great Expectations

Posted on March 3, 2010 11 Comments

This is a joint post with Amber at Unlikely Mama. You can follow her on twitter here. We thought it would be fun to look back on what our expectations were before we had our babies and how they’ve changed a year on (for Amber) and two years on (for me).
Having Children

Amber: Let me start from the beginning.  I never “expected” to have a baby.  As my online moniker hints at…it was highly unlikely that I would become a mother.  Not because I couldn’t, but because I NEVER wanted to.  Not until I met Peter 4+ years ago and his way with kids turned my clock on.

Zoey: I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have kids when I was in my early twenties. And it seemed like the kind of thing that you needed to be really sure of. And then, it seemed all of a sudden, I was sure. There was no real defining moment – I just knew.

Pregnancy

Amber: Once I changed my expectations of myself…a whole slew of other changes came about.When I found out I was pregnant I was flooded with emotions…fear being a huge one.  But more than that, I was filled with excitement and expectations about what the pregnancy and motherhood would be like.

Zoey: I tried not to be terrified while I was pregnant. I really tried. It didn’t always go so well. I think my perfectionism took over as well. And I researched a lot. It is no surprise to me that half of the ideas and expectations I had when I was pregnant seem ridiculous to me now.

Birth

Amber: First off my birth expectations were that it would be medicated and in a hospital.  Numb from the waist down like natured intended?  I even posted in my LJ about not needing to be a martyr, and that pain meds were invented to be used.  But the more I started researching birth…the more I realized that I wanted to REALLY experience it.  Actually, a good friend of mine started this whole trip when she told me not to bother with an epidural because her’s didn’t work..and the “rolling” feelings she had while it was still natural far outweighed the numbness.  I started reading about what could cause those feelings, and found my answer…Oxytocin!  I was hooked on this natural love drug and couldn’t wait to experience it!  I wanted the bonding, and was terrified of screwing it up otherwise.  Yup, I was turning crunchy :-)

What I ended up with was a 10 week preterm labor and a c-section.  No free love, no chance to bond (well for 4 days anyway).  It needed to be done to keep the baby safe, but I was not at all prepare

Zoey: I expected to have a natural birth. I didn’t even read the chapter on c-sections, because I figured that would never happen to me.

I wish I had known more about it. I wish I had refused induction medication when I arrived for my induction and was told I was already in labour. But I didn’t know any better and I was ill-prepared when the Doctor told me that I was headed for an emergency c-section. I was so scared. I’d never had an operation before. And I had to stay so still for the spinal anesthetic whilst I was having contractions. No mean task.

I didn’t realise how violent a c-section would be. Or how incpacitated I would be. Or how I would always feel strange whenever I used the phrase ‘given birth’ in connection with the experience. But still, I don’t regret any of it because after all of that Riley was born.

Family


Amber: Before Alexa graced us with her (EARLY) presence we were struck with a ton of family expectations of us.  They were, well my family, sorely disappointed when they found out we weren’t budging on our stance.  My father expected to come to the birthing center with us, I told him I wanted to be alone with Peter and the midwife.  My mother expected to come up to stay with us the 2 weeks before and after the birth, I told her no we wanted to spend the first 2 weeks (Peter’s paternity leave time) alone together bonding as a family.  My mother then expected me to send her the first picture of the baaaaaaaaaaybeeeeeeeee so she could be the FIRST to see her.  I told her I wasn’t playing favorites and would copy everyone in on the same first emailed photo.  It was actually Peter’s family that surprised me.  I expected that they would be the pushy ones, and they were actually the most respectful of our wishes…who knew!

My expectations of our families were on and off.  My father lives next door and dotes on both of my neices so much.  I thought he would be over here more.  I thought he would drop in with small gifts all the time like he does for the other girls.  He hasn’t bought Alexa a thing (his fiance picks everything out), and has never once offered to babyshit (though we’ve asked him to do it twice).  It’s hard because I’m so close with him, but sometimes I feel like because we live next door we’re forgotten.  It’s like I’m always here and always available..so there’s no need to dote on me :-(

My mother, who I thought would be the biggest pain to deal with has actually become the person I trust the most.  She is the only one respectful of my wishes with feeding, holding, and sleeping…especially sleeping.  I am very pleasantly surprised with being wrong wrong wrong with my assumptions about that relationship!

Peter’s family has met my expectations.  They treat her like a toy in some regards…and pretty thing to be passed around.  They buy her far too many, and far too expensive, presents.  They talk about how pretty she is.  I’m afraid if she doesn’t live up to their expectations that they’ll treat her differently than if she were “perfect”.

Zoey: Pleads the fifth. My family reads this blog. Boring, yes. Accurate, definitely.

Partners

Amber: My expectations of Peter have went back and forth.  Before we really thought about having a baby I just assumed Peter would be the “motherly” one.  He’s far more sensitive and sweet than I.  He’s also the person in the room that ALL kids flock to.  They love him, and that’s the only reason I ever reconsidering becoming a mother in the first place.  I kinda thought he would do most of the work, heh :-/
As it turned out, I assumed all wrong when it came to how much I would turn into the mamabear!  Peter turns to me for help and advice.  Sometimes I get snippy because I still think he should know what to do…the fist year of parenthood is HARD.

Zoey: I expected Josh to do just as much around the house whether that be housework or helping out with Riley. He had three months of paternity leave when Riley was born, which was so nice. What I didn’t expect was that sometimes babies have a preference. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if i hadn’t had a shower, had anything to eat or even just felt like I needed 5 minutes to myself – Riley still insisted that she be attached to my chest. The amount that we snip at one another is directly related to who has been sitting in with Riley to get her to go to sleep and who has been in the kitchen making noise.

I always though Josh would make a great dad, but I was pleasantly surprised with how well it suited him (most of the time)

Sleep


Amber: I really didn’t have any expectations of sleep, for me or Alexa.  Though, I guess I’m lying there, since I DID assume we would all be sleeping through the night AT LEAST by now (1 year out).  Hmmmm, guess I’ll have to take Zoey’s father’s word that you give up on that for 2 years :-)  The first months were rough, I won’t lie, but I think we slept more than the “average” family because we co-slept (something we did NOT intend on doing).  We have a crib in the nursery and had a cosleeper/bassinette in our room.  My “plan” HAHAH was to have Alexa sleep in the crib for naps, ya know…to get her used to it…and to sleep in the cosleeper next to me.  Yeah, not so much.  She had reflux and needed to be semi-upright, so she slept in the crook of my arm, on my chest, or on Peter’s.  Once she was able to lay flat we had already perfected side-lying nursing and couldn’t turn back.  There was no way I was going to get up in the  middle of the night when I didn’t have to.  NOOOOOOOOOOOW I don’t know how to get her off my boob at night, so she’s kinda stuck in bed with me for the time being (or actually I’m stuck in bed with her).

Zoey: I’m going to sound like a bit of an idiot here, but before Riley was born I thought the issue with sleep was that babies woke up a lot to be fed. I didn’t even consider that they might need some help getting to sleep. So needless to say, I was not ready for the hours of feeding, rocking and patting to sleep that were in store for me. And Riley loved to be rocked. I only stopped rocking her (at around 12 months) because she was getting too heavy for me.

She mostly sleeps through now. Although I was sure she’d sleep through by 6 months, she didn’t. And then I was sure she’d sleep through by 12 months and she still didn’t. It wasn’t until she was 14 months that she started and not until around 18 months that sh was doing it with any reliability. If it wasn’t for co-sleeping I’d be the walking dead by now.

Whether she’ll put herself to sleep or not is still a bit hit and miss. Sometimes she will, sometimes she won’t. Here’s the kicker. Now that she’s not a baby anymore (even if she’ll always be my baby), I now look forward to the nights when she comes into our bed, or needs help getting to sleep and I get to watch her little eyes fight sleep but eventually close and I get to look at her peaceful little face. Most of the time, anyway.

Breastfeeding


Amber: I expected breastfeeding to be easy…my mother did it for both me and my brother.  Everyone else I knew that tried was successful.    Well Alexa’s prematurity screwed that up and it was HARD!  It’s still hard sometimes and we just celebrated our 1 year anniversary of nursing.  I never thought I was so stubborn, but I really learned a lot about myself.  I would NOT give up and I’m thankful that we persevered.  I also assumed it would melt the fat…it did NOT help me lose weight :-(

Zoey: I expected breastfeeding to be natural and easy. Women have been doing it for thousands of years, right? But initially we had latch problems and I’m amazed that I managed to get through those first few weeks where breastfeeding was excrutiatingly painful and I dreaded each feeding and cried through most of them. After all of that calmed down I was surprised how easy it was. And relieved that it meant I didn’t have to get out of bed in the middle of the night.

Unlike Amber, it helped me lose weight fast. The problem? I’ve stopped breastfeeding and failed to adjust my diet accordingly.

Not Expecting


Amber: I guess I should have known from the start not to expect anything.  I mean, I was so wrong about not wanting to be a mother…how could I be right about anything else?

Zoey: I have learned that you aim for perfection, you’ll always be disappointed. Always. And I’ve also learnt that expecting things is a recipe for disaster. Babies love to make liars out of their mothers.

What were your expectations?

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Just Wonderful: Love and Partners and Natural Parenting

Posted on February 9, 2010 53 Comments


Welcome to the February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Love and partners!

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we’re writing about how a co-parent has or has not supported us in our dedication to natural parenting. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Love and partners: How has a co-parent supported your dedication to natural parenting — or not?

When Riley was born, my relationship with my husband changed. Because all of a sudden instead of one relationship, we were dealing with three. Our relationship as life partners, our relationship with our daughter, and our relationship with one another as parents.Another interesting thing happened as well. We stopped arguing, sort of. We disagree, alot. But we stopped needing to be right. I would say what I felt, he would say what he felt. And if we still disagreed, we just let it be. This is in stark contrast to previously where we would both continue to beat a dead horse until one of us admitted that the other one was right. I don’t know why, but following the birth of our daughter, both of us stopped needing to be right, we just needed to be heard, even if that meant that nothing really changed.

I did not have natural parenting ideals when I was pregnant. And in all honesty, I probably wouldn’t have even known what natural parenting or attachment parenting was. I read What to Expect When You’re Expecting in tiny little snippets so the weight of responsibility and risk didn’t totally freak me out. In the last month of my pregnancy I watched a million b-grade documentary type series on cable all about birth (most ended in c-section) and babies (mainly focussed on why won’t they sleep/eat/sleep). I found the idea of breastfeeding beyond 6 months a little bit creepy, looked down my nose at people who had babies or toddlers who wouldn’t sleep or would only sleep in their parents’ bed and couldn’t figure out why parents would walk around carrying their baby/toddler when they were pushing a perfectly serviceable stroller.

My husband had different ideas. His number one priority in our baby shopping was to get a baby carrier so he would be able to carry her around. So I bought one of those front-pack type carriers along with a sling. The sling seemed like a good way to be able to get things done with having both hands free. I didn’t really consider all the benefits of the sling in terms of bonding, comfort and closeness. Towards the end of my pregnancy we were doing some last minute baby shopping. My husband saw a co-sleeper (a little bed that sits on the main bed). It had a night light and little sides to stop you from rolling over onto her in the middle of the night. I didn’t really see the point. I mean, she was going to be in her own room from at the latest three months anyway. But, I’d done most of the shopping for the new arrival, and I wanted him to be involved so I placated him with the purchase.

There were two things that we both agreed on while I was pregnant, we would not be smackers and we would not cry it out. I felt very strongly about both of those things.

Then our beautiful baby was born, by emergency c-section. Josh kept me calm during the c-section by asking me for my rugby league tips for that week. Excellent distraction tactic. I was ill prepared for actually how violent a procedure a c-section is. Because I had skipped that chapter in the pregnancy book. I was going to have a completely natural birth, with no drugs, and there was no reason why I would need a c-section. The googy had other plans. She had one hand on her head and the other hand was hanging on to the cord. I remember seeing Josh’s face when they pulled her out and pronounced she was a girl (he has only ever wanted girls). He looked at me with more happiness and excitement than I had ever seen, and I knew she was ok. Her birth was a physical manifestation of our marriage. We had said the words, but she brought them to life and no matter what happened in the future, we were inextricably joined forever in this tiny little person.

Very quickly, all of my ‘ideas’ about parenthood and babies went out the window. Fair warning: you should never develop any firm ideas about parenthood before you actually have a baby – you’re likely to end up looking like a bit of an ass. I slept with her in the bed with me in hospital because I couldn’t bear to put her in the bassinet, just arm’s reach away, it was too far. I mainly dozed at first, because I enjoyed the feeling of her on my chest so much. I was comforted by her heart beat and her soft breath.

Breastfeeding was a challenge. I had damaged nipples and we struggled to find a good latch. I felt I was failing her at something that was so important, and was supposed to be so natural. I cried a lot. My desire to breastfeed was strong enough that I persisted through the excruciating pain and the dread of each feeding. Two things got me through it and to the other side where breastfeeding was enjoyable and painless. Josh gave me support and understanding through the hard times, allowed me the freedom to consider other options if I couldn’t get through it, acknowledged my efforts and held my hand as I bawled my eyes out through the pain. A wonderful midwife and lactation consultant also set me on the right path with the latch and spurred me on further, telling me that it was obvious how much I loved Riley, given the extent of the damage. Once in a while though, when I was up for the umpteenth time of the night breastfeeding Riley or trying to get her back to sleep and Josh was next to me snoring, I was tempted to beat him over the head with something.

I became an avid breastfeeder, and fell quickly and easily into on demand feeding, because it was so much easier than anything else. Sometimes it seemed like Riley was breastfeeding for 6 hours straight. I loved the closeness and connection of breastfeeding and often fed her to sleep, through teething pain, or whenever she needed a little bit more comfort. Josh would often stroke her head, hands or feet while I was breastfeeding, and it was a bonding time for him too. Josh used to walk past the formula in the supermarket and say ‘it’s not right, I’m so glad we didn’t have to go there.’And although we were both ready when we stopped, I missed it once it was gone.

Josh had three months paternal leave when Riley was born. And I needed him, every day. I was so grateful that we had that time together as a young family. When I was barely conscious from exhaustion he would take Riley for long walks while I either slept or just stared off into the distance, allowing myself to unplug. He fed me at all times of the day and night, quick meals that I could scoff down before catching some sleep. He proudly set up the co-sleeper in our bed at night, and on the couch during the day. He often used the night light to look at her while she slept (or check that she was breathing). Riley stayed in the co-sleeper until she was too big at around three months. At which point she moved to the bassinet (still in our room) for the first sleep of the night and then she usually slept with us after that. I mastered the art of the night-time breastfeeding and was able to sleep through most of her latching on. When she was too big for the bassinet, we moved her to the cot (in her room) at around 6 months. But it didn’t last long and she slept in our bed off-and-on until she was about 14 months. Although she’s now in a toddler bed and sleeps in her room, whenever she wakes up in the night we still enjoy co-sleeping, even look forward to it. We both wavered at times on the whole parenting to sleep thing, due to exhaustion, frustration and no prospect of change. Luckily, we never wavered at the same time. She was over a year before she started sleeping through with any reliability. And now, with hindsight, we both realise how short that time really is. When we were in it, we were so desperate for her to sleep through. But now, we both realise that the period of babydom is so much shorter than we were really ready for it to be. Parenting to sleep can be frustrating, boring and exhausting. Parenting to sleep can also be a special time for quiet connection. Josh loves it when Riley falls asleep next to him, and he sees her heavy eyes close and her body claimed by slumber.

We both preferred the sling or the carrier to the stroller. Sometimes it was a battle to decide who would do the carrying. It was a joy to have her mushy little face fall asleep against your chest. Even better was when she would wake up, slightly disoriented, and look up to realise that we were still there and she would get a happy little smile on her face. And I am one of those parents who carries her toddler around while pushing the pram. Because contrary to some of my opinions before Riley was born, babies and toddlers are actually people with emotions and needs and preferences. Riley has a preference for being held most of the time and I count myself lucky that we have such a cuddly daughter.

I happened across a natural parenting website by accident. And there it was, our parenting style, reflected back to me. None of it by design. Josh and I had floundered our way through early parenthood all through intuition and instinct, and landed somewhere that was totally comfortable for us and all three of our relationships.

The greatest difficulty Josh faced as a parent was not anything to do with sleep deprivation, or discipline, or the fact that he occasionally struggled to engage with her when she was a little baby and she didn’t really do anything other than lie there – prepared to be entertained. It was when she was really sick and she had her trip to the ICU. And it wasn’t that it was scary, or traumatic or the fact that we were completely out of control. It was after that, when she was getting better. She would cry if he came near her, and she would push him away if he came too close. She would also cry if she ever saw us hugging or kissing. And she was still hoarse from the tubes, and any cry was devastating to hear. After the trauma of her hospitalisation, all he wanted to do was hold her and cuddle her and kiss her and keep her close. And it broke his heart, over and over again. His pain was naked and raw. It was made worse by the fact that she didn’t even have the strength to crawl or sit up on her own, but she somehow found the energy reserves to make her rejection of his advances known. It took a long time, and an absolute commitment on his part to demonstrate his adoration for her, regardless. Sometimes he was frustrated, sometimes he was deflated and sometimes he was just plain hurt. And eventually, she returned to herself again, and to him. Now, you would never know it had even happened. So when the other day she crawled onto his lap for a cuddle after her nap, or when a few months ago her first clear word was “Josh”, he treasures it all the more.

Co-parenting wasn’t always easy for us. At times we were both frustrated with her clear preference for mama. I often wished that he could put her to sleep, and while this sometimes happened, more often than not, my presence was a requirement.  Because I stay at home most of the time, it is also difficult sometimes to make that transition from me doing everything all day to us both participating equally either at night or on the weekend. That is still something we are working on. Our styles are different. Not in a core way, which definitely makes things easier. But, nonetheless, there are differences. Because I’m at home all day, I tend to pick my battles. That is something that Josh is still working on. I am more permissive than he is, and that is still something we’re working out together.

Since we both want to avoid day care if we can, Josh has started taking a day off once a month where he looks after Riley and I go into work. This has been great for both of us. He gets to see how the other half lives, has one-on-one time with Riley, and all in all tends to have the time of his life. Last time he had a day off, when i got home and asked him how his day was, he replied ‘just wonderful’.

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Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated Feb. 9 with all the carnival links, and all links should be active by noon EST. Go to Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama for the most recently updated list.)

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The Backslide

Posted on February 2, 2010 3 Comments


When Riley was about 14 months old she started reliably sleeping through the night and no needing my presence to get to sleep. Up until that point she was up three or more times a night and at nap time I would need to rock or stroke her to sleep.

Perhaps it was because I was no longer breastfeeding her, so there was less interest in night-time snacking, or perhaps it was that she had always hated the cot and I’d moved her to her toddler bed. Either way, I didn’t care. It was such a relief to have a break. It wasn’t just the sleep deprivation, it was the emotional pressure of being completely responsible for whether or not she slept.

Since her recent bout of teething and illness there’s been a bit of a sleep regression. More often than not I sit in her room so she can get to sleep. I talk to her really softly and slowly or massage her scalp or stroke her cheeks until she drifts off and I sneak out of the room. And more often than not she’ll wake up in the middle of the night and come into our bed.

It would be easy to become frustrated with this. Despite the fact that I think I would have really missed out if I hadn’t parented her to sleep all this time. And despite the fact that I enjoy the co-sleeping – even when I get kicked and punched occasionally.Which is why this article really struck a chord with me. It was a reminder that sometimes I can’t sleep and I stay up and watch TV, or I ask Josh to give me a massage, or I read a book, or I have something to eat. And sometimes I just can’t relax.The only difference is I’m capable of meeting my needs, vocalising them and in general helping myself. I don’t have someone telling me to get into bed when I can’t sleep. Or making sure I stay there.

It’s not always easy when all I want is some undisturbed sleep. But the next time I’m bored, frustrated or exhausted I will hold on to all of the things that make it just lovely. Like pudgy little arms wrapping around my neck in the middle of the night; or heavy eyes closing slowly to my touch, or chubby cheeks resting against my own for comfort.

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Sleep – No Training Required

Posted on December 21, 2009 8 Comments

As a new mother you hear all sorts of things about sleep. There’s something perverse about the one thing that you crave above all else is the one thing your baby seems incapable of doing. And it’s the number 1 question (are they sleeping through the night) you are asked by other parents and non-parents alike, as though it’s some kind of barometer of your skill as a parent.
And it’s easy to become polarised between cry-it-out and non-cry options. If you have a troubled sleeper, you will be tested on the strength of your convictions. Will you still be an advocate of gentle sleep methods when your baby is 6 months, 1 year, 18 months and not sleeping through? Or will you decide that at some point anything is worth a try. Everyone has a breaking point and there’s a reason sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture.

I’ve always believed that cry it out ‘works’, but had reservations about why it ‘works’. Do they learn that no matter how upset they are, they won’t have their needs met and that they are powerless? Or is it just as its proponents would argue – a good way to teach independence and self sufficiency.

One of the things that really resonated with me on the non-cry-it-out side was that all humans have a fight or flight reflex. But babies can’t do either of those things and they do require their parents to regulate their emotions and part of that is parenting-to-sleep.

My parental instincts led me down a path of co-sleeping, parenting to sleep and babywearing. While Riley wasn’t a horrible sleeper, she certainly wasn’t easy. At 12 months she was still waking about three times a night.

One of the main critiques you hear about not using sleep training is that if you don’t use some form of sleep training they will never go to sleep on their own or sleep through the night. This gives poor sleep-deprived mothers visions of having a 5 year old and still having to cuddle or pat them to sleep.

But here’s a secret, it’s not true! By 14 months, Riley was going to sleep on her own (thanks toddler bed) and by 18 months she was sleeping through the night (reliably, at last). And today, she fell asleep on the couch without her nap-time routine, a sneaky bottle or any other prompts, completely on her own.

Not that I’ll be giving up her nap routine, which involves me telling her that it’s nap time, her yelling ‘No!’ with surprising vehemence, me taking her to the bedroom tantrum and all, we have a cuddle and then straight to bed. It usually just takes the one time. But occasionally I’ll hear the slap, slap, slap on the door. And we repeat.

But nonetheless it’s a nice milestone to reach. And I get to feel a little bit smug the next time somebody tells me that you need to let babies cry it out. That is, until I have another baby and the learning curve starts all over again.

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Favourite Blog Posts of 2009

Posted on December 19, 2009 5 Comments

I read Best Blog Posts of 2009 at Scary Mommy and thought it was a pretty cool idea – if I have only got 6 months to choose from. I started this blog in July, thinking that it would be fun to do every now and then, but it quickly became more addictive than I’d imagined it could be.
July: Things I Learnt In My First Year (Part 1)

Breastfeeding: not as natural as you’d think

August: Things I Learnt In My First Year (Part II)

Sleep: apparently it’s optional

September: Crying It Out to Create Soldiers and She’s Got Her Whole Life to Be Tough

Where I get all attachment parentey and not ashamed

October: Discipline and the Mighty Toddler and Friends are For Keeps

In the first I put my foot in it, but that’s kind of fun to watch and in the second is all about the special bond of the pre-verbal

and still from October, 10 Things I Didn’t Read in What to Expect

November: I Survived Intensive Care

This really should of been several blog posts, because it is loooong . . .

December: My Best Friends’ Wedding

My first adventure as a bridesmaid

But wait there’s more! Here are my favourite photos of the year:

August: Blue Eyes and I’m Having a Horrible Time, Really!

September: No More Paparazzi

October: Super Cheeky and Wordless Wednesday (a.k.a the hand holder)

November: I’m The Baby and My Little Woman

December: Looking for the Moon (Again) and Snow White and Rose Red

and just for the hell of it here is my favourite photos of the year:

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10 Things I Didn’t Read in What to Expect

Posted on October 5, 2009 14 Comments

Teethy Grin

1. Babies Never Settle into a Routine, Ever

As soon as you get used to one thing, they change it. And then they change it again.

2. Dirty Nappies are the Least of Your Concern

You may think that changing dirty nappy after dirty nappy is the worst part of having a newborn but really that barely even makes a dent – that’s the easy bit.

3. Teething Never Really Stops

It just has a nanna nap for brief periods of time. And then it’s more teething. And it’s a whole lot worse than any of the symptoms described in any book.

4. There is Nothing Natural About Breastfeeding

At least there wasn’t for me and it took persistence, professional support and a whole lot of luck for me to succeed at breastfeeding.

5. If You Had any Modesty, Childbirth Will Rid You Of It

Once you’ve had an internal examination, most other things pale in comparison.

6. You’ll Learn to Appreciate Showers Like Never Before

In part because you realise that they are more of a luxury than a necessity, but mostly because they become the only 5 minute slice of solitude that you can carve out in a 24 hour period.

7. Sleep When the Baby Sleeps Is Hit-and-Miss

For one thing at some point you have to eat. My diet consisted mainly of peanut butter on toast because I could consume the most amount of calories in the least amount of time. Often by the time you get through eating, having a shower, trying to get to sleep, not being able to get to sleep because you’re stressed about when the baby is going to wake up again, it’s too late because guess what? The baby is awake. Oh and another thing – cosleeping isn’t just for attachment parents. Everyone cosleeps at some stage.

8. You Get Used to Bumps and Bruises

The first time your baby bumps their head you may obsessively check them for signs of concussion, but after a while unless their bleeding, you barely notice. Seriously – it will happen THAT often.

9. The Lack of Sleep Isn’t What Is Exhausting

It’s having to be mentally on for as long as they are awake for. This calms down with time – but even so having to be aware of what they are doing all the time is exhausting. Once they’re a toddler and they are into EVERYTHING you wonder what you were ever worried about when they were a newborn blob and incapable of moving.

10. You Will Become One of THOSE Parents

You know the ones – they think their baby is the most beautiful creature on the planet (and be completely oblivious to your own bias) and become fascinated by every tiny little thing their little one does and bore 90% of the people they talk to with it. I admit it – I am guilty, guilty, guilty. You’ll see what I mean if you look back over photos of your toddler when they were a newborn and realise that although they are unbelievably cute they aren’t nearly as adorable as you remember them being.

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Crying It Out to Create Soldiers

Posted on September 29, 2009 12 Comments

“War babies cry it out shut down’ was a search term on google that landed not just one person on my site, but two this week.

Sleeping

A little odd, but it reminded me of the Channel 4 Show: Bringing Up Baby which attempted to measure the successes and shortcomings of three different parenting methods for babies: Truby King, Dr Spock and the Continuum Concept. Families were set up with a mentor for the style of parenting they had opted to pursue and were guided along the way.

For the blissfully uninitiated, a summary of the parenting methods are:

Benjamin Spock (as detailed by Channel 4)

  • Every baby is different so scheduled feeds won’t necessarily suit it
  • A baby will sleep through the night when it’s ready
  • Babies need plenty of affection
  • Babies should start off sleeping in their parent’s room
  • Breastfeeding is best – but a mother who decides against it for whatever reason should not feel guilty
  • Parents should trust their instincts and not be put off by what anyone else is teling them
  • Mothers should get plenty of rest and draft help if necessary
  • Mothers should take time out for themselves
  • A new mother should remember that her partner was there first and can’t be neglected
  • Dads should only get involved with childcare as much as they feel comfortable

Truby King (as described by Channel 4):

  • Feeding every four hours
  • Night feeds get dropped as soon as possible to minimise length of time parents sleep is disrupted
  • Limiting the amount of contact between baby and carer – 10 minutes of cuddling per day
  • Baby sleeps in own room from day one
  • Baby spends several hours in the garden every day

Continuum Concept (as described by Channel 4):

  • Babies should be born at home
  • Breastfeeding should start within the first 20 minutes of birth
  • Bottle feeding is not an option
  • Feeding is on demand
  • Babies should be held or carried in a sling for the first 6 months
  • Babies shold sleep in bed with their parents
  • Babies should be brought up by the whole ‘tribe’ (friends/family) rather than just by parents

Parenting death match! Who will win? In the end the documentary was marvelously inconclusive but did succeed in creating a firestorm over the 1950s Truby King method and its mentor Claire Verity who also advocated limiting eye contact between parents and babies, not holding the baby close to your body while feeding, and leaving babies to cry because they were only going to start crying again once you put them back down.

Possibly the most fascinating part of the Truby King method, was Truby King himself, who was a staunch breastfeeding advocate and was successful in converting mothers to breastfeeding and away from formula which was at the time just cows milk with sugar in it. His theory of babycare seems completely at odds with his breastfeeding advocacy. For starters, the four hourly feeding schedule would be almost impossible to do if exclusively breastfeeding.

The idea behind King’s method was to create a generation of soldiers. To do this he believed that the best way to promote resilience in babies was through lack of contact with parents and mothers were discouraged from cuddling, comforting or even playing with their babies to this end. For detailed information on resilience and historical methods of babycare you can check out this great article here. The fact that Truby King promoted leaving babies alone as a way of building resilience and independence is proof enough of just how outdated his theories are.

But I digress, back to Bringing Up Baby and Claire Verity.

Since the airing of the show, her qualifications have been discredited and for the most part everyone was disgusted with her and the claim of being a nanny for Jerry Hall and Sting didn’t really change that. Alpha Mommy also has a great post about just how terrifying Verity really is.

What struck me most when watching the series was firstly that the King method was obsessed with life returning to normal – even to the point where the parents would say things like – you wouldn’t even know we had just had twins! Well, if that is the goal for your life to be as though you never had any children – why bother in the first place? The other thing that drives me nuts is the idea that because once babies are allowed to cry it out they start sleeping through the night, this fact is used as evidence that the parenting method ‘works’.

Of course it works – if your only aim is sleep. The very fact that it ‘works’ is concerning enough and evidence enough that it should be avoided. What have you just achieved? Dissociation? Alienation? Hopelessness? And of course if you cry it out eventually any baby will learn to not cry and go to sleep. Is that a worthwhile lesson? While we’re on the topic did you know one of the indicators they look for in abused and neglected children is that they don’t cry?

What’s worse is the requirements of the method seemed unnecessarily harsh. For example: babies have to spend hours at a time outside (even in the dead of winter) because it helps them sleep. So why then does the method require that they be outside on their own, instead of on a walk with one or both of their parents?

To watch parents willingly not cuddle or play with their new babies was heartbreaking. To watch them stop their older children from cuddling or interacting with the new baby was equally hideous. And to have them pronounce that ‘they sleep through’ as if that is some kind of parenting trophy was slightly sickening.

And for the record, before any of the King method babies were sleeping through, the families using the continuum concept were already getting at least 6 hours sleep a night because they co-slept.

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Meet Mr Goog

Posted on September 26, 2009 6 Comments

I knew early on that I would marry Josh because I knew he was the father of my children. I just knew. Other things confirmed it – we fought like cats and dogs, laughed alot, enjoyed doing absolutely nothing together and were completely different yet totally the same.

This is us on our wedding day (do the outfits give it away?)

Wedding Day

Us on our honeymoon in Vietnam (this is in Sapa) where we drank alot and I’m pretty sure I consumed my own body weight in bean curd. It was a mistake to be away for Christmas (it sounds like a good idea but really it’s just depressing). A very big mistake. But we made a good travelling team and I believe we would totally kick ass if we were ever on the amazing race. He practiced his crisis management skills when the high altitude in Sapa made me sick because of my anaemia. And I practiced my haggling skills (I’ll never be any good at it). Despite stricter airline security post 2001 I forgot I had a nail file in my pocket and had it all the way from Sydney to Hanoi. As I always suspected ‘increased security’ is more about perception than anything else.

Honeymoon

This is him in the hospital (he fell in love instantly). He was so psyched to have a girl. While I was pregnant he refused to even entertain the idea that we might have a boy. He always said he wanted all girls because he believes that they would be more dependent on him for longer. Poor deluded soul. I think he’d be ok if we had a boy next time though.

Mr Goog and the Moosh

This is him taking a nap with her (still in the hospital). There were times when he was sleeping and I was up with Riley in the early newborn stage where I seriously considered hitting him over the head with a frying pan. I had sleep envy. Some nights I slept on the couch – just in case my tiredness, hormones and envy converged into a non-sensical violent outburst.

Napping

Now he spends more time reading to her than the sports section of the newspaper. I think he enjoys the toddler stage alot more than the newborn blob stage. He’s reading her this book because she likes it even though as an agnostic he feels that it has religious undertones that he’s not entirely comfortable with.

Reading

He is the one who has come up with the vast majority of her nicknames: “the moosh”/”mooshie”; “frue”, “googie bear” (you get the idea). I think I may have added “the shmoo” and “pookie bear”. We are really not as hideously cutey as that list sounds.

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