The Opposite of Rewards and Punishment Isn’t Doing Nothing

Posted on October 27, 2011 12 Comments

I love the baby stage because I don’t have to worry about pesky things like behaviour and discipline. But I do have to worry about it with Riley. I have to teach her all kinds of things and doing that when her empathy is still developing can be hard work. Because at her age that’s mostly what it’s about developing empathy and consideration for those around her and respect for people and things. Sometimes when I say I try to stay away from rewards and punishment I think I give the impression that the opposite of that is nothing. But it’s not.
I try to avoid rewards and punishment because I want her to develop internal motivation. I don’t want the motivation to be avoiding something she hates or getting something she loves. And I certainly don’t want the getting of things to be her focus, instead of what I’m trying to teach her. I want her to form her own moral compass. And develop values of her own.

I don’t always succeed at this. Avoiding rewards is hard. Sometimes I bribe her when I should just be more patient and wait until she’s ready to do something. Sometimes I say ‘good job’ when I really should just be saying thank you. And sometimes the line is really blurry. I might not do punishment, but I strive for natural consequences. And sometimes natural consequences feel like a punishment. And although I consider time-out a punishment and try to avoid it, the firey nature of my girl means that sometimes I do have to leave her on her own, rather than allow her to hit/kick/throw things at me. And sometimes (now that she’s a bit older) she wants to be left alone, rather than have me for company while she calms down. I have my own ideas about how I want to parent but they can’t be impervious to my daughter’s personality and preferences. Sometimes I have to change my preferred way of doing things to suit her.

Every now and then we go through a challenging period of time and I might question the whole thing. But then I remind myself that parenting for me is about my long term goals. What I want for her as an adult. All of the things that make her challenging to parent as a little person are the things that are going to make her an awesome woman. And I have to protect those things now.

© Copyright

All Discipline is Ineffective

Posted on July 11, 2010 19 Comments


A recent study with the under 2 set has found that all discipline is equally ineffective. I’ve suspected this for some time, and this study seems to confirm it. Of course, the focus in this study was praise and distraction vs whatever method of discipline a family chose to use – so it isn’t a detailed comparison of various discipline approaches. However it’s not dis-similar from some of the findings of Unconditional Parenting which found that regardless of the method of discipline used, 80% of toddlers will repeat the behaviour that was disciplined within a matter of minutes or hours.

All this leads me to believe that there are possibly only two parenting tools you really need. One is a giant vat of patience. And the other is a ginormous barrel of persistence.

And so far, my most successful method of getting Riley to do what I need her to do in any given situation, whether that be at home, at a friend’s place or at the supermarket? Time. I wait, until she’s ready to do whatever it is. It’s not always convenient, but for her anyway, it’s far more effective than anything else I’ve tried.

What do you think? How did you work out your method of discipline? What’s been most effective with your toddler?

© Copyright

The Terrible Twos (and Two Parenting Strategies to Replace Them)

Posted on April 27, 2010 55 Comments

This post is written for inclusion in the Carnival of Gentle Discipline hosted by Paige @ Baby Dust Diaries. All week, April 26-30, we will be featuring essays about non-punitive discipline. See the bottom of this post for more information.

Today I would like to welcome Dionna, who has written a guest post on gentle parenting strategies for parents of toddlers. Dionna is a lawyer turned work at home mama of an amazing son, and is one of those crunchy liberals her parents warned her about. You can normally find Dionna over at Code Name: Mama where she shares information, resources, and her thoughts on natural parenting and life with a toddler.

ToddlerTerrible Twos

Pronunciation:’ter-uh-bul’t¸z
Function: noun
1. An annoying alliteration used to describe the emotional breakdowns that occur (in both toddlers and parents) when parents spend more time attempting to control behavior and engage forced cooperation than they do in nurturing their toddlers’ natural growth, independence, and curiosity;
2. A self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ok, maybe that isn’t the dictionary definition of the “terrible twos,” but it is pretty close to reality. Toddlerhood is challenging, no doubt. But spending the toddler years in a relentless power struggle is bound to result in frustration for both parents and children.

Here is a better definition of the Terrible Twos:

1. Spanking;
2. Yelling.

These terrible two disciplinary measures have detrimental effects on a child’s self-esteem (they devalue the child and lower his self-image), they teach children that violence or anger (physical and/or emotional) is an acceptable way to solve problems, and they promote anger in children and parents. (1) Spanking and yelling never leave either party feeling good about themselves or each other. Following are two ideas for more gentle parenting strategies that are based on respect and cooperation between parents and children instead of control and compliance.

1. Love Your Toddler Through a “Tantrum”

Temper tantrums are usually viewed as something to be avoided (or at least ended) as quickly as possible. We are uncomfortable with and often embarrassed by strong emotional outbursts. Our toddlers, however, are just learning how to express themselves. “Children express themselves not only to maintain their own emotional well-being, but also for their intellectual and social development. Stopping a child from fully expressing his feelings does not stop the feelings, it only stops their expression.” (2)

Allowing your toddler to fully express his feelings has both short and long-term benefits. In the short-term, he will recover more quickly from emotional and physical hurts if he feels that he has been heard and acknowledged. In the long-term, allowing your toddler to experience his full range of emotions will help him “become emotionally resilient and capable of facing and resolving difficulties. [Children] must experience living with emotional storms if [they are] to master them.” (3)

Showing your child love, even in the aftermath of behavior that you find undesirable, is not rewarding “bad” behavior. Your toddler’s behavior is his cry for love or help for an unmet need. Toddlers have no control over their big feelings and how they show them – they do not want to be aggressive or whiny. (4) When you love your toddler despite undesirable behavior, he will feel relieved, not rewarded.

To love a child through a tantrum, make yourself available physically and emotionally. Do not pressure your child to stop expressing himself. Practice Aldort’s SALVE:

(S)eparate yourself from your child’s behavior. Don’t say the first thing that pops into your mind. Focus on being gentle and loving.

(A)ttention on your child. Shift the attention from your own reactions to what is going on with your child. Be present for her.

(L)isten to your child without judgment. Really listen to what she is saying. Make eye contact and ask questions if appropriate.

(V)alidate his feelings without dramatizing or inserting your own. (“You are upset because you wanted that toy.” or “You are frustrated because you could not open the door by yourself.”)

(E)mpower your child to resolve the problem. Don’t rush to fix everything. (5)

2. Love Your Toddler at Her Current Developmental Stage

Expecting more than your toddler can give developmentally sets her up for failure, shame, and self-doubt. Resist the urge to constantly teach and push your child to reach new milestones. Enjoy where she is today, stay in the present with her. Loving a child should be simple: love her for what she is right now. Love should not be a reward for your evaluation of the child, nor should love be based on achievements or behavior.

Loving our toddlers at their current developmental stage can be summed up in one word: relax.

Did your toddler ignore your request to help pick up the toys? Relax. Toddlers don’t understand or appreciate our need for order. Model it, tell her you need order. Let her happily flit around you as you show her how to clean up the toys. But don’t shame her into helping.

When your toddler splashes water all over the kitchen floor, relax. Observe instead of critiquing: There is water on the floor, if someone slipped on it they could fall and get hurt. Let’s clean it up. If your toddler helps, that’s great. If not, she is learning anyway. Would you rather have a content toddler who learned (by watching) that water needed to be cleaned up, or an anxious and upset toddler who was forced to clean by an angry parent?

“When reprimanded, young children are often too scared by a parent’s intense emotions and judgment to be able to even grasp the nature of what is being communicated.” When our toddlers feel safe in our gentle attention and love, however, they “become aware of the many habits and needs of” others and are able to learn social graces. (6)

Our Terrific Toddlers

Moving away from a discipline mindset involves a mental shift: instead of control, focus on compassion. Instead of “molding” or “shaping” your toddler, realize that children are designed to blossom – it is our privilege and responsibility to nurture them along the way. Yes, toddlerhood can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to be a nightmare. When you feel the urge to yell or discipline, take a breath and relax. Imagine how you want the scene to end: with a scared toddler and a regretful parent? Or with a parent-child team that feels safe in a nurturing and loving relationship? (7)

For more ideas on how to transform the parent-child relationship from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy, I highly recommend Aldort’s “Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.” It applies to all ages, not just toddlers.

What has been the most challenging part of parenting your toddler?

Do you try to parent peacefully? What benefits have you seen with your child(ren) from parenting peacefully/gently?

____________________________________

1. Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Child, http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100.asp#T062101
2. Aldort, Naomi, “Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves” at 99. For more on how parents sometimes deal with uncomfortable emotions, see Riders on the (Tantrum) Storm.
3. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves at 105
4. See Neville, Helen, “Is This a Phase? Child Development & Parent Strategies, Birth Through 6 Years” at 157 (available in part on Google Books)
5. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves at 7-10
6. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves at 20-22
7. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves at xvi

Photo credit: trexor14

Gentle Parent - art by Erika Hastings at http://mudspice.wordpress.com/Welcome to the Carnival of Gentle Discipline

Please join us all week, April 26-30, as we explore alternatives to punitive discipline. April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month in the USA and April 30th is Spank Out Day USA. In honor of this we have collected a wonderful array of articles and essays about the negative effects of punitive discipline methods, like spanking, and a myriad of effective alternatives.

Are you a Gentle Parent? Put the Badge on your blog or website to spread the word that gentle love works!

Links will become available on the specified day of the Carnival.

Day 1 – What Is Gentle Discipline

Day 2 – False Expectations, Positive Intentions, and Choosing Joy (coming Tuesday, April 27)

Day 3 – Choosing Not To Spank (coming Wednesday, April 28)

Day 4 – Creating a “Yes” Environment (coming Thursday, April 29)

Day 5 – Terrific Toddlers; Tantrums and All (coming Friday, April 30)

filed in

‘

Pages: ‘, ‘after’ => ‘

‘, ‘next_or_number’ => ‘number’)); ?>


© Copyright

Supermarket Meltdown

Posted on April 23, 2010 24 Comments


We had our first full-blown supermarket meltdown today.

You wouldn’t think it to look at her. She looks all zen and serene and peaceful here. Like she could give Ghandi a run for his money.

She’s always been a pretty good shopper. She’s usually so excited to be out and about that it’s rare for her to have a tantrum or lose the plot when we’re out. That sort of thing is usually a special treat for her mama when we are home alone.

Lately, the supermarket has become somewhat more challenging. Her father Someone let her ride in the actual trolley instead of sitting in the seat. She’s now obsessed with that and will throw a royal wobbly if you attempt to put her in the seat. I have two options in this situation. If I have unlimited time, I will sit with her until she’s calm enough to hop in the seat or if I don’t have time, I’ll let her ride in the damn trolley – I mean what’s the harm, really? As you can see, my consistency as a parent is off to an awesome start.

Predictably, she wanted to ride in the trolley today. I didn’t have that much shopping to do, so I popped her in there and tried to convince her that she needed to hold on, rather than pretending to be an airplane.

My first mistake was pausing for a bit too long at the end of the aisle. She saw some chocolate easter bunnies on sale. My second mistake was to put a couple of the aforementioned easter bunnies in the trolley because ‘they were a bargain’. As soon as she was in grabby distance of the bunnies it was on. Full blown tantrum in the middle of the supermarket. I had to carry her on my hip for most of it whilst pushing a shopping trolley that hasn’t had a wheel alignment since 1976. For a period of time I was able to distract her by getting her to push the trolley for me. But always the alluring foil of the bunnies would catch her eye and it would start again.

By the time we got to the checkout, I had her sitting down in the main part of the trolley playing with my wallet and a good portion of the change slipping out on to the floor. She was still a bit teary and her face was red and puffy. I caught a few looks of judgy-mc-judgyness thrown my way.

I looked at the closest judgy person square in the eye and gave her a look that I hope said ‘If it takes me letting my teething daughter sitting in the bottom of the trolley, playing with my wallet and money falling out the bottom, for her to be as happy as she can possibly be in this situation, that’s what I’m going to do.’

I hope she got the message.

Honestly, people pick the most irrelevant things to determine your worth as a parent: tantrums and sleep. I define my worth as a parent by play, tickles, cuddles, stories and sensitivity.

By the time we got home she’d completely forgotten about the bunnies. They’re both still sitting on the kitchen counter.

filed in

‘

Pages: ‘, ‘after’ => ‘

‘, ‘next_or_number’ => ‘number’)); ?>


© Copyright

Guest Post @ CodeNameMama – The Tyrannical Toddler: Beyond Power Struggles to Choice, Reason and Negotiation

Posted on April 19, 2010 1 Comment

AWOL

I’m guest posting today over at CodeNameMama. Head over there to check out my post on benevolent dictators (toddlers), unconditional parenting, tantrums and power struggles.

Stay tuned. This is a guest post exchange and CodeNameMama will be featured here with her post on the terrible twos, gentle parenting and the dreaded tantrum.

filed in

‘

Pages: ‘, ‘after’ => ‘

‘, ‘next_or_number’ => ‘number’)); ?>


© Copyright

Perceptions of Discipline

Posted on April 13, 2010 45 Comments


Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice!

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we’re writing letters to ask our readers for help with a current parenting issue. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

Parenting Advice? Normally I have plenty of that, and not all of it solicited. Ok, most of it is unsolicited. This isn’t an issue that has come up yet, exactly, although as my toddler gets more and more toddler-ish I expect it will come up alot more often.

I do not use time outs with Riley, for a whole range of reasons that you can read about here and here. I also don’t make her say sorry. I try to model behaviour to her, so I say thank-you and sorry often (when appropriate) and she does seem to be picking up on this now and says thank-you all the time.

My concern is that the vast majority of the other children her age that she spends time with are put in time out and are asked to say sorry (when appropriate). I worry, that when Riley does lash out at another child (which will eventually happen, she is after all, human) that I will be perceived as not taking it seriously, because I don’t use a conventional form of discipline.

Now obviously, I can’t spend all my time worried about what people think. But it is important to me that other people see me as taking the needs of their children seriously. And not being dismissive of Riley’s negative behaviour.

On the one hand, I could go into an explanation as to why I don’t use time outs, but I fear that will come off as judgemental. And it’s kind of hard to explain anyway in just a couple of sentences. Am I worrying over nothing? Should I just let it go and respond to people if they specifically raise it with me?

The other thing that concerns me is that time-outs are used in a pre-school setting. Am I just setting Riley up for confusion down the track, given it’s a method that the vast majority of her teachers will use.

What do you think? Has anyone had any experiences with this? Please share. I’m all about the sharing.

***

Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated by the end of the day April 13 with all the carnival links.)

filed in

‘

Pages: ‘, ‘after’ => ‘

‘, ‘next_or_number’ => ‘number’)); ?>


© Copyright

UN Ban on Smacking

Posted on March 29, 2010 5 Comments


Today I read about how the UN wants to ban smacking. My first thought? If they are powerless to influence world leaders, I’m pretty sure they’ve got no chance of changing family choices behind closed doors. Nonetheless, countries who have chosen to outlaw it include Austria, Denmark, Finland, Norway, Germany, Italy, Israel, Iceland, Ukraine, Bulgaria, Hungary, Belgium and Greece. The NSW Committee who examined the current laws opted not to give children the same rights as adults, and smacking (providing it is a reasonable punishment) is still legal.

I’m not a fan of smacking, for any reason. I have never smacked Riley, and don’t intend to anytime soon. But I’m not sure I want the government legislating about appropriate forms of discipline either. The most concerning thing about this article? That the NSW Corrective Services Department recommends the law be amended to reflect that reasonable force should not include the use of a closed fist. On what planet is a closed fist reasonable? And the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission is not buying the whole common sense/in line with community expectations line. They have concerns about flouting the Convention on the Rights of the Child. I have concerns about the logic of community expectations too – I seem to remember it being used to cover all manner of sins in the past.

I do think that it brings up a vast grey area, that perhaps the legal system is ill equipped to deal with. What about a smack on the hand as a deterrent, or for issues of safety? Is a smack on the bottom the same as a slap across the face?

What do you think? Would you be comfortable with the government legislating against smacking?

© Copyright

Just Wonderful: Love and Partners and Natural Parenting

Posted on February 9, 2010 53 Comments


Welcome to the February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Love and partners!

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we’re writing about how a co-parent has or has not supported us in our dedication to natural parenting. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

******


Love and partners: How has a co-parent supported your dedication to natural parenting — or not?

When Riley was born, my relationship with my husband changed. Because all of a sudden instead of one relationship, we were dealing with three. Our relationship as life partners, our relationship with our daughter, and our relationship with one another as parents.Another interesting thing happened as well. We stopped arguing, sort of. We disagree, alot. But we stopped needing to be right. I would say what I felt, he would say what he felt. And if we still disagreed, we just let it be. This is in stark contrast to previously where we would both continue to beat a dead horse until one of us admitted that the other one was right. I don’t know why, but following the birth of our daughter, both of us stopped needing to be right, we just needed to be heard, even if that meant that nothing really changed.

I did not have natural parenting ideals when I was pregnant. And in all honesty, I probably wouldn’t have even known what natural parenting or attachment parenting was. I read What to Expect When You’re Expecting in tiny little snippets so the weight of responsibility and risk didn’t totally freak me out. In the last month of my pregnancy I watched a million b-grade documentary type series on cable all about birth (most ended in c-section) and babies (mainly focussed on why won’t they sleep/eat/sleep). I found the idea of breastfeeding beyond 6 months a little bit creepy, looked down my nose at people who had babies or toddlers who wouldn’t sleep or would only sleep in their parents’ bed and couldn’t figure out why parents would walk around carrying their baby/toddler when they were pushing a perfectly serviceable stroller.

My husband had different ideas. His number one priority in our baby shopping was to get a baby carrier so he would be able to carry her around. So I bought one of those front-pack type carriers along with a sling. The sling seemed like a good way to be able to get things done with having both hands free. I didn’t really consider all the benefits of the sling in terms of bonding, comfort and closeness. Towards the end of my pregnancy we were doing some last minute baby shopping. My husband saw a co-sleeper (a little bed that sits on the main bed). It had a night light and little sides to stop you from rolling over onto her in the middle of the night. I didn’t really see the point. I mean, she was going to be in her own room from at the latest three months anyway. But, I’d done most of the shopping for the new arrival, and I wanted him to be involved so I placated him with the purchase.

There were two things that we both agreed on while I was pregnant, we would not be smackers and we would not cry it out. I felt very strongly about both of those things.

Then our beautiful baby was born, by emergency c-section. Josh kept me calm during the c-section by asking me for my rugby league tips for that week. Excellent distraction tactic. I was ill prepared for actually how violent a procedure a c-section is. Because I had skipped that chapter in the pregnancy book. I was going to have a completely natural birth, with no drugs, and there was no reason why I would need a c-section. The googy had other plans. She had one hand on her head and the other hand was hanging on to the cord. I remember seeing Josh’s face when they pulled her out and pronounced she was a girl (he has only ever wanted girls). He looked at me with more happiness and excitement than I had ever seen, and I knew she was ok. Her birth was a physical manifestation of our marriage. We had said the words, but she brought them to life and no matter what happened in the future, we were inextricably joined forever in this tiny little person.

Very quickly, all of my ‘ideas’ about parenthood and babies went out the window. Fair warning: you should never develop any firm ideas about parenthood before you actually have a baby – you’re likely to end up looking like a bit of an ass. I slept with her in the bed with me in hospital because I couldn’t bear to put her in the bassinet, just arm’s reach away, it was too far. I mainly dozed at first, because I enjoyed the feeling of her on my chest so much. I was comforted by her heart beat and her soft breath.

Breastfeeding was a challenge. I had damaged nipples and we struggled to find a good latch. I felt I was failing her at something that was so important, and was supposed to be so natural. I cried a lot. My desire to breastfeed was strong enough that I persisted through the excruciating pain and the dread of each feeding. Two things got me through it and to the other side where breastfeeding was enjoyable and painless. Josh gave me support and understanding through the hard times, allowed me the freedom to consider other options if I couldn’t get through it, acknowledged my efforts and held my hand as I bawled my eyes out through the pain. A wonderful midwife and lactation consultant also set me on the right path with the latch and spurred me on further, telling me that it was obvious how much I loved Riley, given the extent of the damage. Once in a while though, when I was up for the umpteenth time of the night breastfeeding Riley or trying to get her back to sleep and Josh was next to me snoring, I was tempted to beat him over the head with something.

I became an avid breastfeeder, and fell quickly and easily into on demand feeding, because it was so much easier than anything else. Sometimes it seemed like Riley was breastfeeding for 6 hours straight. I loved the closeness and connection of breastfeeding and often fed her to sleep, through teething pain, or whenever she needed a little bit more comfort. Josh would often stroke her head, hands or feet while I was breastfeeding, and it was a bonding time for him too. Josh used to walk past the formula in the supermarket and say ‘it’s not right, I’m so glad we didn’t have to go there.’And although we were both ready when we stopped, I missed it once it was gone.

Josh had three months paternal leave when Riley was born. And I needed him, every day. I was so grateful that we had that time together as a young family. When I was barely conscious from exhaustion he would take Riley for long walks while I either slept or just stared off into the distance, allowing myself to unplug. He fed me at all times of the day and night, quick meals that I could scoff down before catching some sleep. He proudly set up the co-sleeper in our bed at night, and on the couch during the day. He often used the night light to look at her while she slept (or check that she was breathing). Riley stayed in the co-sleeper until she was too big at around three months. At which point she moved to the bassinet (still in our room) for the first sleep of the night and then she usually slept with us after that. I mastered the art of the night-time breastfeeding and was able to sleep through most of her latching on. When she was too big for the bassinet, we moved her to the cot (in her room) at around 6 months. But it didn’t last long and she slept in our bed off-and-on until she was about 14 months. Although she’s now in a toddler bed and sleeps in her room, whenever she wakes up in the night we still enjoy co-sleeping, even look forward to it. We both wavered at times on the whole parenting to sleep thing, due to exhaustion, frustration and no prospect of change. Luckily, we never wavered at the same time. She was over a year before she started sleeping through with any reliability. And now, with hindsight, we both realise how short that time really is. When we were in it, we were so desperate for her to sleep through. But now, we both realise that the period of babydom is so much shorter than we were really ready for it to be. Parenting to sleep can be frustrating, boring and exhausting. Parenting to sleep can also be a special time for quiet connection. Josh loves it when Riley falls asleep next to him, and he sees her heavy eyes close and her body claimed by slumber.

We both preferred the sling or the carrier to the stroller. Sometimes it was a battle to decide who would do the carrying. It was a joy to have her mushy little face fall asleep against your chest. Even better was when she would wake up, slightly disoriented, and look up to realise that we were still there and she would get a happy little smile on her face. And I am one of those parents who carries her toddler around while pushing the pram. Because contrary to some of my opinions before Riley was born, babies and toddlers are actually people with emotions and needs and preferences. Riley has a preference for being held most of the time and I count myself lucky that we have such a cuddly daughter.

I happened across a natural parenting website by accident. And there it was, our parenting style, reflected back to me. None of it by design. Josh and I had floundered our way through early parenthood all through intuition and instinct, and landed somewhere that was totally comfortable for us and all three of our relationships.

The greatest difficulty Josh faced as a parent was not anything to do with sleep deprivation, or discipline, or the fact that he occasionally struggled to engage with her when she was a little baby and she didn’t really do anything other than lie there – prepared to be entertained. It was when she was really sick and she had her trip to the ICU. And it wasn’t that it was scary, or traumatic or the fact that we were completely out of control. It was after that, when she was getting better. She would cry if he came near her, and she would push him away if he came too close. She would also cry if she ever saw us hugging or kissing. And she was still hoarse from the tubes, and any cry was devastating to hear. After the trauma of her hospitalisation, all he wanted to do was hold her and cuddle her and kiss her and keep her close. And it broke his heart, over and over again. His pain was naked and raw. It was made worse by the fact that she didn’t even have the strength to crawl or sit up on her own, but she somehow found the energy reserves to make her rejection of his advances known. It took a long time, and an absolute commitment on his part to demonstrate his adoration for her, regardless. Sometimes he was frustrated, sometimes he was deflated and sometimes he was just plain hurt. And eventually, she returned to herself again, and to him. Now, you would never know it had even happened. So when the other day she crawled onto his lap for a cuddle after her nap, or when a few months ago her first clear word was “Josh”, he treasures it all the more.

Co-parenting wasn’t always easy for us. At times we were both frustrated with her clear preference for mama. I often wished that he could put her to sleep, and while this sometimes happened, more often than not, my presence was a requirement.  Because I stay at home most of the time, it is also difficult sometimes to make that transition from me doing everything all day to us both participating equally either at night or on the weekend. That is still something we are working on. Our styles are different. Not in a core way, which definitely makes things easier. But, nonetheless, there are differences. Because I’m at home all day, I tend to pick my battles. That is something that Josh is still working on. I am more permissive than he is, and that is still something we’re working out together.

Since we both want to avoid day care if we can, Josh has started taking a day off once a month where he looks after Riley and I go into work. This has been great for both of us. He gets to see how the other half lives, has one-on-one time with Riley, and all in all tends to have the time of his life. Last time he had a day off, when i got home and asked him how his day was, he replied ‘just wonderful’.

******

Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated Feb. 9 with all the carnival links, and all links should be active by noon EST. Go to Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama for the most recently updated list.)

© Copyright

I’m Late, I’m Late for a Very Important Date

Posted on January 14, 2010 4 Comments

I had planned to have a bright, shiny entry for the Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama but got distracted and missed the deadline. I’ll be participating next month, but thought I would write about this month’s theme anyway.
Parenting resolutions. What do you want to do differently this year as a parent? Or what do you want to be the same? What went exceptionally well in 2009, and in what could you use a do-over?

The interesting thing about resolutions is it seems like one decision, one choice, one goal. But it’s not. It’s a million moments, a million choices, and actions that you repeat over and over everyday.

I have a very clear memory of my father, removing a lift-out from the Saturday Newspaper. It was about 5 pages and it was titled “Guide to Parenting”. Sadly this was not tongue in cheek. He threw it over his shoulder and smiled at me half in jest, half in sadness and said “too late for me!”. I was in my early twenties at the time, I can’t remember exactly. The thing is, it wasn’t too late. My parents divorced when I was young, and I lived with my mum, and so we had the usual post-divorce issues. I found that the birth of my daughter, his grand-daughter did far more to heal our relationship than any manner of talking could have ever done. Because I got to see, first hand, what he would have been like with us when we were little. And he was (and is) so kind, so gentle, so loving that it broke my heart and healed it at the same time.

He also once told me (I can’t remember when) that it’s not the big mistakes you make as a parent that are going to fuck up your children, it’s the tiny little things that you do every day, that you don’t notice, and so you keep on doing them, that really fuck them up. And that’s what I’m thinking about with parenting resolutions.

I’m proud that I’ve begun our journey of unconditional parenting with our daughter. I’m glad that I finally read the book by Alfie Kohn before I had actually began any discipline with Riley (she’s 21 months now and just at the stage where it’s starting to become necessary)

So, I suppose my parenting resolutions are to continue to pursue as much knowledge as possible. To not be afraid to open my mind to new ideas, new way of doing things, and to change what needs changing. And based on my recent knowledge acquisition (thanks in large part to an extended hairdresser appointment giving me an opportunity to read undisturbed) I want to change my language. Stop using value statements and take the time to explain things properly. Stop saying ‘good job’ all the time instead of actually engaging her in a dialogue about whatever it is that she’s been doing. I want to show her more love and understanding when she’s at her most frustrating and demanding, not less. I want to find a way to teach her without resorting to love-withdrawal, punishment or manipulation. I want to give her as many choices as humanly possible in any situation.

I will not achieve this things absolutely. I know that for sure. But what I can do is have it as the goal in any given moment.

Things that I am proud of in the last year?

We parented our little one to sleep whenever she needed us, even when we were completely exhausted, frustrated and frazzled. She still toddles into our bed at night if she wakes up before morning. And we managed to avoid a child care centre when I returned to work part-time. But really, what sticks out the most is when you have those little moments that make you feel (that in that moment) everything is right.

Last night I was tucking Riley into bed. She was having a bit of trouble relaxing and drifting off. So I was stroking her head, and making shh-ing noises. She put her finger to her lips and mimicked me “Shh!” she then put her hands on my cheeks, pulled me towards her and gave me a kiss goodnight. Reminding me that my goal for motherhood is shared joy.

Check out all the fantastic posts for this month:

To Yell or Not to Yell @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl

It Is All About Empathy: Nurturing a Toddler’s Compassion Potential @ Baby Dust Diaries

To my babies: this year… @ Bluebirdmama

Mindfully Loving My Children @ Breastfeeding Moms Unite!

January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Resolutions @ Code Name: Mama

Imperfect Mother @ Consider Eden

Resolutions @ Craphead (aka Mommy)

FC Mom’s Parenting Resolutions 2010 @ FC Mom

What’s in a Resolution? @ Happy Mothering

January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting resolutions @ Hobo Mama

Natural Parenting Resolutions @ Little Green Blog

This year, I will mostly… @ Look Left of the Pleiades

Parenting Resolutions @ The Mahogany Way

I Resolve to Breastfeed in Public More Often @ mama2mamatips

Moving to Two Kids @ Megna the Destroyer

Use Love @ Momopoly

My Parenting Resolutions @ Musings of a Milk Maker

Talkin’ ’bout My Resolutions @ Navelgazing

Parenting Resolutions @ One Starry Night

Invitations, not Resolutions @ Raising My Boychick

No more multitasking during kid time @ The Recovering Procrastinator

I need to slow down, smell those roses AND the poopy diapers @ Tales of a Kitchen Witch Momma

Resolutely Parenting in 2010 @ This is Worthwhile

© Copyright

Abandonment of Punishment, Rewards and Praise

Posted on January 10, 2010 21 Comments


It’s a controversial parenting style that Alfie Kohn advocates in his book, Unconditional Parenting. Yes, I finally finished the book, thanks primarily to spending a few hours at the hairdresser.

In a lot of ways, it goes against almost every form of parenting advice I’ve ever read previously. And I’ll admit that it takes alot to open your mind enough to be able to absorb the information. The first half of the book is all about the theory behind it, and I’ll admit during that time, I was constantly thinking, but if I can’t do that (rewards, time-outs etc) what the hell am I going to do?

While I won’t attempt to do his detailed research justice in this post, I will try to explore what I have learnt from it so far. It’s probably the kind of thing that I would have an even greater understanding if I read it for a second time.

The idea is that conventional forms of discipline tend to be either physical, or based on love withdrawal (time outs); that rewards are manipulative and teach children to focus on what they are getting rather than what you actually want them to learn; and that praise reinforces the idea that you love them more when children do what you want them to do. And all of these things subtly and repetitively teach children that parental love is conditional upon compliance.

When you start thinking about it, it’s amazing how much I do this on a daily basis. I say ‘Good job’ all the time. When Riley does something that I ask, when she eats, when she finishes a puzzle, when she does a drawing. According to Kohn, by doing so I am constantly reinforcing the idea that I most love her, am most impressed with her and most proud of her when she does something that I want her to do, or when she achieves some external grade of success (like finishing the puzzle correctly). He also argues, that by doing so, Riley will focus far more on what she has to do to receive my approval, and less on enjoying what she is actually doing. Take the puzzle for example, if I constantly praise her when she finishes it, apparently she is more likely to not try a harder puzzle, or attempt something that she might not complete, because then she might not get my approval. And another example is sharing, if I praised her for that, she would not actually gain any interest in sharing, but just in what she needed to do to receive encouragement. In fact it was found when children were praised for sharing they were less likely to share than when they weren’t praised for it at all.

Rewards are essentially the same thing as praise, except that the reward is tangible, rather than verbal. The problem with praise is not that children become ‘spoilt’, or that they receive too much affection, it’s that every time you say something is ‘good’ or ‘great’ you are expressing a judgement. You are expressing what you value. And (the argument is made) that children then feel that they are only truly appreciated and accepted when they do what you value. This leads to another problem which is that self-esteem then tends to fluctuate based on external influences. And apparently the risk factor for self-esteem is not whether it’s low or high, but how much it changes based on other people and circumstances.

Some of the interesting aspects of the research conducted were:

  • Love withdrawal tecniques leads to lower morality in teenagers
  • Children who are given a reward for being nice, are less likely to think of themselves as nice people; and less likely to continue being nice when a reward isn’t offered
  • Children praised for generousity, are less likely to be generous on a daily basis (it seems that rewards/praise erode internal motivation and it becomes all about the outcome)
  • Children frequently praised by their teachers were more tentative in their response to questions
  • Children with parents who adopt a cooperative, less controlled style of parenting are more likely to comply with parental requests
  • Controlling parenting has been associated with lower levels of internal motivation, less internalisation of morals and values and poorer self regulatoin
  • In the long term, punishment is ineffective at eliminating the desired behaviour
  • It doesn’t matter how you respond to misbehaviour the first time, 80% of toddlers will repeat the behaviour they were talked to about or punished for

So where does that leave me? What do I do?

Kohn suggests that I replace judgement-based praise, with more descriptive language and reflective questioning. An example would be, instead of saying ‘good drawing’, I might say ‘that’s a new shape that you’ve drawn’. And that instead of time-outs and rewards, I resort to listening, talking, re-evaluating my requests to see if they are reasonable, trying to understand things from Riley’s perspective, attribute her with the best possible intentions given the facts, only say no what I really need to say no to, and only use controlling interventions when absolutely necessary. The thing I like most out of all of this is attributing the best possible intentions. Riley is at the age where she is into everything and it’s easy to assume that if she has a pen in her hand she’s going to write ont he wall, or if she picks something up she’s going to throw it, but this is far from fair.

I’m utterly and totally overwhelmed by how much I would have to change what I do on a daily basis if I was to take it on board. But I guess being aware of all the things that would have to change is half the battle.

© Copyright
«Older Posts