breastfeeding

The Backslide

Posted on February 2, 2010 3 Comments

When Riley was about 14 months old she started reliably sleeping through the night and no needing my presence to get to sleep. Up until that point she was up three or more times a night and at nap time I would need to rock or stroke her to sleep.

Perhaps it was because I was no longer breastfeeding her, so there was less interest in night-time snacking, or perhaps it was that she had always hated the cot and I’d moved her to her toddler bed. Either way, I didn’t care. It was such a relief to have a break. It wasn’t just the sleep deprivation, it was the emotional pressure of being completely responsible for whether or not she slept.

Since her recent bout of teething and illness there’s been a bit of a sleep regression. More often than not I sit in her room so she can get to sleep. I talk to her really softly and slowly or massage her scalp or stroke her cheeks until she drifts off and I sneak out of the room. And more often than not she’ll wake up in the middle of the night and come into our bed.

It would be easy to become frustrated with this. Despite the fact that I think I would have really missed out if I hadn’t parented her to sleep all this time. And despite the fact that I enjoy the co-sleeping – even when I get kicked and punched occasionally.Which is why this article really struck a chord with me. It was a reminder that sometimes I can’t sleep and I stay up and watch TV, or I ask Josh to give me a massage, or I read a book, or I have something to eat. And sometimes I just can’t relax.The only difference is I’m capable of meeting my needs, vocalising them and in general helping myself. I don’t have someone telling me to get into bed when I can’t sleep. Or making sure I stay there.

It’s not always easy when all I want is some undisturbed sleep. But the next time I’m bored, frustrated or exhausted I will hold on to all of the things that make it just lovely. Like pudgy little arms wrapping around my neck in the middle of the night; or heavy eyes closing slowly to my touch, or chubby cheeks resting against my own for comfort.

Favourite Blog Posts of 2009

Posted on December 19, 2009 5 Comments

I read Best Blog Posts of 2009 at Scary Mommy and thought it was a pretty cool idea – if I have only got 6 months to choose from. I started this blog in July, thinking that it would be fun to do every now and then, but it quickly became more addictive than I’d imagined it could be.
July: Things I Learnt In My First Year (Part 1)

Breastfeeding: not as natural as you’d think

August: Things I Learnt In My First Year (Part II)

Sleep: apparently it’s optional

September: Crying It Out to Create Soldiers and She’s Got Her Whole Life to Be Tough

Where I get all attachment parentey and not ashamed

October: Discipline and the Mighty Toddler and Friends are For Keeps

In the first I put my foot in it, but that’s kind of fun to watch and in the second is all about the special bond of the pre-verbal

and still from October, 10 Things I Didn’t Read in What to Expect

November: I Survived Intensive Care

This really should of been several blog posts, because it is loooong . . .

December: My Best Friends’ Wedding

My first adventure as a bridesmaid

But wait there’s more! Here are my favourite photos of the year:

August: Blue Eyes and I’m Having a Horrible Time, Really!

September: No More Paparazzi

October: Super Cheeky and Wordless Wednesday (a.k.a the hand holder)

November: I’m The Baby and My Little Woman

December: Looking for the Moon (Again) and Snow White and Rose Red

and just for the hell of it here is my favourite photos of the year:

10 Things I Didn’t Read in What to Expect

Posted on October 5, 2009 14 Comments

1. Babies Never Settle into a Routine, Ever

As soon as you get used to one thing, they change it. And then they change it again.

2. Dirty Nappies are the Least of Your Concern

You may think that changing dirty nappy after dirty nappy is the worst part of having a newborn but really that barely even makes a dent – that’s the easy bit.

3. Teething Never Really Stops

It just has a nanna nap for brief periods of time. And then it’s more teething. And it’s a whole lot worse than any of the symptoms described in any book.

4. There is Nothing Natural About Breastfeeding

At least there wasn’t for me and it took persistence, professional support and a whole lot of luck for me to succeed at breastfeeding.

5. If You Had any Modesty, Childbirth Will Rid You Of It

Once you’ve had an internal examination, most other things pale in comparison.

6. You’ll Learn to Appreciate Showers Like Never Before

In part because you realise that they are more of a luxury than a necessity, but mostly because they become the only 5 minute slice of solitude that you can carve out in a 24 hour period.

7. Sleep When the Baby Sleeps Is Hit-and-Miss

For one thing at some point you have to eat. My diet consisted mainly of peanut butter on toast because I could consume the most amount of calories in the least amount of time. Often by the time you get through eating, having a shower, trying to get to sleep, not being able to get to sleep because you’re stressed about when the baby is going to wake up again, it’s too late because guess what? The baby is awake. Oh and another thing – cosleeping isn’t just for attachment parents. Everyone cosleeps at some stage.

8. You Get Used to Bumps and Bruises

The first time your baby bumps their head you may obsessively check them for signs of concussion, but after a while unless their bleeding, you barely notice. Seriously – it will happen THAT often.

9. The Lack of Sleep Isn’t What Is Exhausting

It’s having to be mentally on for as long as they are awake for. This calms down with time – but even so having to be aware of what they are doing all the time is exhausting. Once they’re a toddler and they are into EVERYTHING you wonder what you were ever worried about when they were a newborn blob and incapable of moving.

10. You Will Become One of THOSE Parents

You know the ones – they think their baby is the most beautiful creature on the planet (and be completely oblivious to your own bias) and become fascinated by every tiny little thing their little one does and bore 90% of the people they talk to with it. I admit it – I am guilty, guilty, guilty. You’ll see what I mean if you look back over photos of your toddler when they were a newborn and realise that although they are unbelievably cute they aren’t nearly as adorable as you remember them being.

Crying It Out to Create Soldiers

Posted on September 29, 2009 12 Comments

“War babies cry it out shut down’ was a search term on google that landed not just one person on my site, but two this week.

A little odd, but it reminded me of the Channel 4 Show: Bringing Up Baby which attempted to measure the successes and shortcomings of three different parenting methods for babies: Truby King, Dr Spock and the Continuum Concept. Families were set up with a mentor for the style of parenting they had opted to pursue and were guided along the way.

For the blissfully uninitiated, a summary of the parenting methods are:

Benjamin Spock (as detailed by Channel 4)

Every baby is different so scheduled feeds won’t necessarily suit it
A baby will sleep through the night when it’s ready
Babies need plenty of affection
Babies should start off sleeping in their parent’s room
Breastfeeding is best – but a mother who decides against it for whatever reason should not feel guilty
Parents should trust their instincts and not be put off by what anyone else is teling them
Mothers should get plenty of rest and draft help if necessary
Mothers should take time out for themselves
A new mother should remember that her partner was there first and can’t be neglected
Dads should only get involved with childcare as much as they feel comfortable

Truby King (as described by Channel 4):

Feeding every four hours
Night feeds get dropped as soon as possible to minimise length of time parents sleep is disrupted
Limiting the amount of contact between baby and carer – 10 minutes of cuddling per day
Baby sleeps in own room from day one
Baby spends several hours in the garden every day

Continuum Concept (as described by Channel 4):

Babies should be born at home
Breastfeeding should start within the first 20 minutes of birth
Bottle feeding is not an option
Feeding is on demand
Babies should be held or carried in a sling for the first 6 months
Babies shold sleep in bed with their parents
Babies should be brought up by the whole ‘tribe’ (friends/family) rather than just by parents

Parenting death match! Who will win? In the end the documentary was marvelously inconclusive but did succeed in creating a firestorm over the 1950s Truby King method and its mentor Claire Verity who also advocated limiting eye contact between parents and babies, not holding the baby close to your body while feeding, and leaving babies to cry because they were only going to start crying again once you put them back down.

Possibly the most fascinating part of the Truby King method, was Truby King himself, who was a staunch breastfeeding advocate and was successful in converting mothers to breastfeeding and away from formula which was at the time just cows milk with sugar in it. His theory of babycare seems completely at odds with his breastfeeding advocacy. For starters, the four hourly feeding schedule would be almost impossible to do if exclusively breastfeeding.

The idea behind King’s method was to create a generation of soldiers. To do this he believed that the best way to promote resilience in babies was through lack of contact with parents and mothers were discouraged from cuddling, comforting or even playing with their babies to this end. For detailed information on resilience and historical methods of babycare you can check out this great article here. The fact that Truby King promoted leaving babies alone as a way of building resilience and independence is proof enough of just how outdated his theories are.

But I digress, back to Bringing Up Baby and Claire Verity.

Since the airing of the show, her qualifications have been discredited and for the most part everyone was disgusted with her and the claim of being a nanny for Jerry Hall and Sting didn’t really change that. Alpha Mommy also has a great post about just how terrifying Verity really is.

What struck me most when watching the series was firstly that the King method was obsessed with life returning to normal – even to the point where the parents would say things like – you wouldn’t even know we had just had twins! Well, if that is the goal for your life to be as though you never had any children – why bother in the first place? The other thing that drives me nuts is the idea that because once babies are allowed to cry it out they start sleeping through the night, this fact is used as evidence that the parenting method ‘works’.

Of course it works – if your only aim is sleep. The very fact that it ‘works’ is concerning enough and evidence enough that it should be avoided. What have you just achieved? Dissociation? Alienation? Hopelessness? And of course if you cry it out eventually any baby will learn to not cry and go to sleep. Is that a worthwhile lesson? While we’re on the topic did you know one of the indicators they look for in abused and neglected children is that they don’t cry?

What’s worse is the requirements of the method seemed unnecessarily harsh. For example: babies have to spend hours at a time outside (even in the dead of winter) because it helps them sleep. So why then does the method require that they be outside on their own, instead of on a walk with one or both of their parents?

To watch parents willingly not cuddle or play with their new babies was heartbreaking. To watch them stop their older children from cuddling or interacting with the new baby was equally hideous. And to have them pronounce that ‘they sleep through’ as if that is some kind of parenting trophy was slightly sickening.

And for the record, before any of the King method babies were sleeping through, the families using the continuum concept were already getting at least 6 hours sleep a night because they co-slept.

Things I Learnt in My First Year – Part II

Posted on August 22, 2009 4 Comments

Sleep is for the Weak!

I have to say that I never really thought that much about baby’s sleep while I was pregnant. I vaguely remember my father saying that I wouldn’t get a solid night sleep for the next two years and thinking he was a lunatic. I also remember reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting and seeing all the advice about putting a baby down to sleep awake. But I just didn’t realise how much it takes for a baby to learn to go to sleep, or even that it was something that they would need to learn. Mostly I just thought that the main issue with babies and sleeping is that they wake up often, not that it would be difficult for them to get to sleep in the first place.

Newborn Stupor

I can’t really say that these illusions were crushed when Riley was born because newborns sleep all the time. She pretty much fell asleep breastfeeding for the first few weeks and although some of the books I read had suggested waking them up before putting them down to sleep this seemed cruel to both my poor sleep deprived self as well as her.

A few weeks into it I quickly realised I had a rocker on my hands. And rocking whilst sitting down was simply not an option – only standing and rocking would do the trick. I went with it, I figured she would go to sleep on her own when she was ready. If I’d known then that I’d still be rocking her when she was a year old I might have re-thought this part.

I co-slept with her at night to make feedings easier – it was winter – there was no way I was getting out from under my warm doona!! And it wasn’t until she was about 3 months old that we actually moved her into the bassinet (still in our room).

What If She Never Sleeps?

I think possibly the worst thing about babies and their (lack of) sleep is that in the beginning especially it can be so unpredictable. You don’t know how long it will take you to get them to sleep or how long they’ll stay asleep for. And when it is taking hours to get them to sleep through your sleep deprived delusional haze you wonder what would happen if they never sleep? You also know the longer they are awake the harder it will be to even get them to sleep because they will get more and more overtired . . . This train of thought can easily spiral into panic. It’s only when she was a bit older and I a little less delusional did I realise that eventually they always go to sleep and even overtired babies crash from sheer exhaustion at a certain point.

Going to Sleep on Her Own

I got the shock of my life when she first went to sleep on her own. But she had. I naively thought – great from now on she’ll be able to put herself to sleep. Umm, no. This was a one-time deal. And no matter how diligently I recreated the circumstances of the situation it didn’t seem to make any difference – rocking was still required. However, slowly but surely she started putting herself to sleep from time to time until when she was 6 months about half of her naps she would do this – forget about it at night-time. Night time didn’t worry me so much because she was sleeping through until 3/sometimes 5 in the morning. You could always tell when she was going to do it on her own because she wouldn’t cry when I left the room she would just make these talking/groaning noises until she went to sleep.

I kept trying to interest her in little blankies or stuffed toys thinking that these might soothe her but apparently she had an accept no substitutes policy.

How It All Went Horribly Wrong

We went on holidays, and maybe it was a coincidence, maybe not, but it completely threw her sleep routine out the window. Instead of one waking at night, she reverted to three or four. She would only go to sleep by being rocked and even this took hours.

By the time I came home I was totally exhausted and so relieved to get back to the way things were before. But of course they didn’t go back to normal – she started waking up six times a night but on the bright side I was finally able to rock her from the sitting down position.

As Many Errors as Trials

They say that you do something until it no longer works for you to do it anymore. And at a certain stage I needed to find another way besides rocking. I actually really enjoyed rocking her to sleep and if she had gone to sleep easily that way I think I would have continued, but she didn’t and she woke up every two hours. So I tried the no-cry-sleep-solution but the gradual withdrawal method just seemed to enrage her even more, I tried the pick up-put down method and the same thing happened. In the end I gave up and returned to co-sleeping.

What Worked . . .

Nothing I did – that’s for sure! I moved her into a toddler bed which made a huge difference – she always hated the cot – maybe because of the co-sleeping but I think it was just a personality thing. And I think she was also ready – she’d started not wanting to sleep in with us and being really restless. I decided to at least give her the opportunity to put herself to sleep and would never let her cry but did allow a certain level of protest. And finally she was sleeping through again (about 8 months after that ill-timed holiday). The best part of the whole adventure is that sometimes I miss those middle of the night cuddles or rocking her to sleep and it’s usually on those nights that she decides she might like to sleep in our bed again.

Death of a Perfectionist

Posted on August 12, 2009 2 Comments

I admit it – I am a reformed perfectionist. The first time I wrote a prologue I re-wrote it hundreds of times until it was ‘perfect’. That is not an exaggeration by the way, literally hundreds of times – on a manual typewriter no less! I had flirted with the idea of ditching my perfectionism – after all if the prologue was anything to go by it would have probably taken me 50 years to get anything substantial on paper. And deep down I knew that perfectionists are always disappointed because they always fail. Nothing is ever completely perfect. But in my heart of hearts I never abandoned the perfectionist agenda I just got better at internalising it.
And in the end it was Riley’s birth that killed off my perfectionism once and for all. Because I ‘failed’ and what I thought were three pretty important things: I didn’t have a natural birth (emergency c-section), breastfeeding was a real struggle and I got the baby blues as soon as I came home. But the beauty of it was I actually didn’t care — because there she was – happy and healthy – my good goog.

Tuning out the noise . . .

Posted on August 3, 2009 2 Comments

I was never very good at keeping my mouth shut about anything, although post-baby this is a skill that I am apparently honing. When I was pregnant it amazed me how many people believed that they were entitled to have a say in what I should/should not do/eat/drink etc. and if anything that gets much more intense once the little bundle is born.
Exhibit A:

In response to myself mentioning to a work colleague that I was breastfeeding (Riley was 10 months at the time): “oh no, you have to get them on the bottle early so they get used to it.” At this point I’m thinking to myself I don’t know how people can be bothered with the whole bottle/formula thing because it seems to me so much more complicated. But I manage a more polite version of this at the time.

Exhibit B:

5973_120864878104_648753104_2357191_3422604_n I was at the park the other day with Riley, who has entered tantrum stage in a big way. It gets worse whenever we are around increased number of people because I have to remove her from certain situations which usually ends in tears – mainly because she finds it deeply offensive for me to do anything for her at the moment. I mention to my sister that about a third of Riley’s awake time is spent having a tantrum. She says “oh she’s just figuring stuff out”. Seems innocuous enough right? But this type of comment irritates me for a swag of reasons. 1) I am her mother of course I know that the reason why she is having tantrums is due to her level of frustration at not being able to communicate what she wants; and 2) It’s very easy to be dismissive of how exhausting it can be with a tantrum-ing toddler when you’re not with them 24/7. But I don’t say anything because it’s not that particular comment that is irritating it’s the ten others like it that have the cumulative effect of turning me into a raving lunatic.

Exhibit C:

The hordes of parents who have told me (repeatedly) that I just need to let her cry and that by the time I have a second that’s exactly what I will do. Or even my mother who I can feel cringing through the phone anytime she hears that I have given Riley something to eat that wasn’t made from scratch.

In my past life I would have given each and everyone of them a piece of my mind, but in the end I opt to not dignify any of it and tune it out and go with my instinct anyway.

Beyond all of that, what really drives me to distraction is when people talk through the baby. More than any other time that is when I struggle to keep my composure. Such wonderful passive aggressive statements such as “isn’t your mother silly for not putting away the washing”, “you’re feet/hands are cold/hot”, or even speaking for the baby, “I’m hungry mum” – you get the idea. Here’s a tip, if you have something to say be direct – being indirect doesn’t make you more sensitive or gentle it just makes you cowardly and unable to stand behind your own opinion.

Things I Learnt in My First Year – Part 1

Posted on July 7, 2009 8 Comments

It’s Never as Easy as It Seems . . .

It seems impossible to start a series on all the things I learnt in my first year as a mother without starting at the beginning with breast-feeding.

It Didn’t Come Naturally (At First)

I had always assumed with all the beautiful images I had seen of a mother and a newborn, and the fact that I was a breast-fed baby myself that the act of breast-feeding would come very naturally to me. But it didn’t – we had a bumpy ride at first. I had about five different midwives give me ten different approaches to correct latching on – none of which saved me from cracked and grazed nipples. Or perhaps because I wasn’t sure which one would be the best so I probably tried them all off and on. By the time I was actually aware that she wasn’t latching on properly, my nipples were already damaged and the initial latch on would be excruciatingly painful and it would only be 10 seconds later that the pain would diminish. I was devastated, all I wanted to do was breast-feed my beautiful baby and I didn’t know how much more of it I could take. I’m extraordinarily stubborn, so I persisted.

Sometimes All You Need is A Bit of Encouragement

Just when I needed it I had a follow up with one of the midwives from the outpatient program. I was at the point of dreading the two or three hourly feeds, and that in itself felt like a failure to me, because more than anything I wanted to be able to enjoy it. It’s amazing what a small gesture of empathy and confidence will do for you. Just the simple act of her telling me how impressed she was, given the level of the damage, that I had continued breast-feeding and how obvious it was how much I loved my daughter was enough to give me the drive to continue on. She also gave me the confidence to do so by letting me know that only I could know what the best position was and that I just needed to experiment.

Routines Don’t Apply

Once I had my confidence back we settled into happily breast-feeding, I healed within a week or two and we never looked back. Feeding on demand in those early weeks was relatively intense, but because of my rocky start I relished all that time I spent with my daughter. There were days where it seemed like

she was attached to me (for the most part) for five or six hours, but I figured if that’s what she wanted then that is what I would do. I discovered early on that trying to impose a routine of three-hourly feeds or whatever else was a waste of time with my little one. So sometimes it was every two hours, sometimes every hour and sometimes every three or four. In time, she established her own routine.

The Myths of Sleeping

Every baby book you read will tell you to not let them fall asleep while breast-feeding, or at least to avoid it where you can and to avoid all other sleep “associations” so that babies can learn to go to sleep on their own. I found this to be both impractical and ridiculous. My little one fell asleep on the breast and when that didn’t send her off to dreamland she was rocked. I was hardly going to jolt her awake when she did fall asleep breast-feeding or attempt some early sleep training program – I believed that she would learn to do this when she was good and ready and not a day before.

Too Much or Not Enough

Milk supply often gets blamed for a whole range of problems because it is extremely difficult to quantify – you have no idea really how much you have and how much your little one is getting. But one of the things I’ve discovered is that with on demand feeding there is almost never a problem with milk supply – it’s always to do with something else – whether it be teething, a growth spurt, a sleep regression or just a clingy day. It’s also impossible to tell what your milk supply is like from expressing because if you’re anything like me it took heaps of practice before I was any good at it. And even then, a baby is far more effective than a pump will ever be.

When It’s Gone . . .

I think no matter what time you wean, there will always be a part of you that misses it. For me, when I weaned my little one at 1 year we were both ready, but even so there are always times when I miss it. I particularly miss exclusive breast-feeding when I’m trying to convince my increasingly stubborn (now toddler) that dinner is a good idea and she’s blowing raspberries with my carefully prepared meal. Or when she’s having a particularly rough time with teething and I wish I could offer her that extra comfort that breast-feeding offers. But mostly, it just makes you appreciate that brief time of baby-dom all the more.