Mayim Bialik, who used to be Blossom, and now has a PhD in Neuroscience and two young boys is now a blogger. And in this post, she describes what being an attachment parent means to her.
Needless to say it has caused somewhat of a stir. I get it. It sounds somewhat defensive and somewhat smug all at the same time. I don’t think she meant it that way, but when I read it that’s what I got from it. Saying things like (in reference to not forcing manners and not chasing her boys around saying – say please – say thank you) ‘those words have never passed my lips’ is a pretty strong absolute. I try not to force manners.
Big tangent: Actually, this was one of the real sticking points with people who commented which I can understand. On the face of it why wouldn’t you want to enforce manners in children. Poorly mannered children are EVERYWHERE. And I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me I prefer not to ask Riley to say please, thank you, bless you, excuse me, your welcome, pardon. Why? Not because I don’t want her to learn it or say it. But because I want her to learn it in a way that she understands why she says it. Not just that it’s an automatic thing that is said in conversation. I don’t want her to speak politely. I want her to be polite. That’s my reason. I don’t really know if it will be more effective than anyone else’s way – but it’s the way I’m most comfortable with and makes the most sense to me.
But never? Well that makes her a more confident woman than me. Every now and then I get into a situation where Riley is given something by a relative stranger and my social face gets the best of me and I ask her to say please or thank you.
So what I’m saying is I can see why her post rubbed people up the wrong way. Although she was very clear that it was just what worked for her family. It was also pretty black and white in terms of her parenting philosophy.
But still, as I read through the comments . . .
Sidenote: Why do I read the comments? Why?! I just know that they’re going to get me really, really annoyed. Annoyed like I’m watching Sarah Palin annoyed. Oh right, I’m nosy.
As I read through, a few things struck me. Some of the comments were plain insulting ‘if you want your baby to live, stop co-sleeping!’, some were a little weird, ‘if you are so busy breastfeeding and co-sleeping how do you even have time to live?’, to the downright mind boggling, ‘wait until your kids are grown then you’ll be sorry! Why do you have to be attached to them all the time anyway?!’
One thing is you can’t put all attachment parents in one basket. It’s like saying that all women are essentially the same. For myself, I’m too attachmenty for some people and not attachmenty enough for others. I will always be a very passionate advocate of co-sleeping, for example, but I’ll never be a full-time co-sleeper (other than with a baby). I loved breastfeeding, but for me the limit was around the 1 year mark.
Another thing. Why does one parent’s choice say anything about anyone else’s. It doesn’t to my mind. So I struggle to understand why a presentation of one persons parenting philosophy is so deeply offensive to others.
And you know what drives me nuts about the comments on these sorts of things? They way they don’t talk to the actual issue. The vast majority did not discuss the benefits or disadvantages of breastfeeding, co-sleeping, natural birth or gentle discipline. All they said was – this person can’t have this opinion because her children are too young, or she doesn’t have enough of them, or she hasn’t been to my house and dealt with my children.
And that’s about it. Rant over. I have no filter today.
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Oh, well. I like Sarah Palin, even if she is a bit liberal!
I think it’s odd that there are so many names for different parenting styles “out there,” though. Used to be we just had good and bad lol.
I guess if Sarah Palin is liberal then I’d have to be a left-wing communist right? I agree though, there is a lot of analysis of parenting out there which is definitely a good thing but can also just mean that you can be afraid to do what you feel is right for you
*snort*Don’t you guys use “liberal” the opposite way we use it in the U.S.?
We don’t really use the word liberal as such because the two main parties are the Liberal Party and the Labor Party and the Liberal party is the conservative one. What can I say? It’s weird.
Just yesterday, I vowed to not read comments unless they are on a blog that I am very familiar with. I just can’t handle the way reading the responses makes me feel – Cross between crying and bashing my head on a table!
I enjoyed Blossom’s piece, surprisingly. She is raising her babies somewhat differently than how I am raising mine but I can relate to her purely because of this line; “My job is to do my best for my kids: to be the best mama I can be to them”. Isn’t that what it’s all about?
x
I think that’s absolutely every parents goal – to be the best parent they can be – and sadly it’s often interpreted as superiority or judgment.
“For myself, I’m too attachmenty for some people and not attachmenty enough for others.”HAHAH here here! Slightly crunchy mamas united!
yikes those comments were painful
her tone in the article reminds me of my tone in my “ideals” section of our family blog/site. it was defensive because I was basically trying to force our families to deal with our parenting choices. not sure Blossom needed to force us to deal with hers :-/
I’m sure part of it was just her second guessing what people’s reaction would be. And although I get why she would say things like ‘everyone comments on how well behaved my children are’ because so many people assume that gentle discipline = no discipline at all it definitely didn’t come off that way.
Fascinating Zoey. After your thoughts I couldn’t bare to read the comments but I think she’s way too preachy for my personal liking. I think I’m middle of the road in my parenting – not quite attachment, not quite free, not really super strict or in to time outs – maybe I should start my own parenting movement called “Middle of the Road”? Regardless, I respect other people for following what they feel is right. Honestly, I think people get defensive about the way they choose to parent and take other people’s choices as a criticism of their own choices which is ridiculous. I also don’t think there are many people commenting on those articles who would have the “research” to back up their instincts which is why they attack Blossom’s choices. I think we should all just do what feels right and commit to those decisions and respect the choices that other people make…which by the way is setting a brilliant example for our little people!
On the manners issue, we do ask the Bebito to “use his manners” so to speak and there’s a lot of, “what do you need to say and why do we need to say it?” chats that happen around here because as you say, it’s about understanding why that’s the important part of having manners. Screaming at me that he wants to do a puzzle is NEVER going to get him what he wants which is also a common phrase around here!
Fascinating as always!
O can’t read the article, the comments stress me out too much.
What ever you want to call it, why can’t mums just relax, give their babies what they need, feed them, hold them, sleep with them and before you know it everything just falls into place. What people don’t realize is the long term gains of attachment parenting. Children are generally better behaved as they know they can get the attention when they really need it, they speak better after having been a part of ‘conversations’ while carried in slings, Cultures where co sleeping is the only option have no record of SIDS at all, none. SIDS grew to record numbers in the UK in the 70s when bottle feeding and putting babies to sleep in cots away from their mums from birth was so heavily pushed as the right thing to do.
I am also not extreme attachment style, but there are nights every now and then when Miss just 5 walks in and jumps into bed if she has had a bad dream or Miss 24months will wake at 5 am and come in with us and go straight back to sleep. Why is this so bad?
I wonder if some people attack others parenting choice because someone doing something different makes them question their own choices? It took me a really long time to really own some of my choices (I’m still working on some of them) but now that I have I’ve found I am a lot leas bothered by someone who has made a different choice.Good on her for saying what she believes in. I think it is very hard to not sound ‘preachy’ or self righteous on these kinds of issues, even more so for a celeb
I’m the same way, I try to just call it intuitive parenting if a label must be used
I can definitely understand why people want to get their kids (or babies) out of their bed (although it wasn’t and isn’t a priority for us) but I never understood the hysteria about it! Either way, I love it that Riley climbs into bed with us in the early hours of the morning. She doesn’t always, and I know it’s very time limited!
We taught our oldest to say please, thank you, excuse me and other polite phrases by prompting him in the appropriate situation. He now does it all the time (maybe even too much) without any prompting at all. It’s the nicest thing in the world to hear a heartfelt and unexpected, “Thank you Mommy!” from my three year old. I also do timeouts (which were only needed for the 3 year old for about 6 months) and I’ve been known to bribe, though I’d prefer to call it compromising: something I do with my husband ALL the time.
I consider myself kinda crunch and on the attachment parent side. Discipline is one line where I think I probably differ most with other AP moms. I would never hit and I hate to yell and I completely understand that toddler emotions are overwhelming, but I’m not just going to sit back scratching my head while I watch my kids do things like hit each other or repeatedly do something that might put them in danger.
It’s hard to discipline toddlers while still letting them BE toddlers and enjoy life. It’s hard not to screw up your kids.
Thanks Cat! This is such a great example of how many people have exactly the same goals (like with the manners thing) and just get there in a different way. My current goal is to turn Riley’s ‘huh?!’ to a ‘pardon’!
I agree. I think it’s a lot easier to feel threatened by other people’s choices if you don’t feel 100% comfortable with your own.
But yes, I’m sure if I wrote a post about what I believe in as a parent it would be extremely difficult not to sound preachy. Because really, every parent believes that their way is the best way (for them) otherwise they’d be doing things differently. And it’s so easy to see that as a superiority thing.
It so nice to hear isn’t it – I love it when Riley comes out with ‘oh thank you, mummy!’ and generally if anything (like with your boys) she’s over-apologetic. She apologised to the wall the other day.
And although I haven’t done time outs – I do time ins – so I will remove Riley from a situation until she’s able to calm down or whatever is needed. Because as much as I like to keep things as gentle and collaborative as possible, at the end of the day there are times when I just need her to be able to cooperate (and pretty quickly at that!) So we’ve kind of gone with a counting to 5 thing. Which she loves, because it’s like a race. But people are forever asking me ‘what happens when you get to 5?!’ But I very rarely get to 5 because she knows that getting to 5 means she won’t be able to do something herself.
But I find it oddly comforting to know that I absolutely will mess up my kids. It takes the pressure off when I’m having a bad day.