Reading this post at Three Ring Circus today I could relate.
I never made friends easily, in part because we moved around a lot and at school, everyone seemed to have known one another since Kindergarten. It was hard to break into cliques. Especially as a naturally shy person. One time I did push past the shyness to make friends, because I was lonely, and for a time the loneliness outweighed my reticence. A few weeks later I was sat down by the group of friends and told, very matter of factly that they just didn’t want any other friends. The other thing that made making friends difficult was far more powerful. I grew up in a tight knit group, with kids my own age. So, some of my friends I have known since infant-hood, and even though some of us are seperated by oceans or kilometres, there’s still that connection that you can’t really touch. It’s hard to compete with that. It’s difficult to break into that clique as well.
It goes deeper than you might imagine. I remember a conversation with my brother at my engagement party. Someone (outside of our clique) was saying something negative about another person (inside our clique). They weren’t being particularly mean about it, but they were making a negative comment on their character. My brother shrugged it off. He said, ‘I can see how people might see her that way, but I just don’t”. What he didn’t say is that we had decades of context, of seeing that person at their best, their worst and everything in between. It’s not something that you can always explain, you can’t just boil down a childhood of shared experience into a pearl of wisdom that an outsider could understand.
I’ve always been within a clique and excluded from most others. It would be easy to think that this stops with High School, but it doesn’t. The world is full of cliques. It’s natural to cling to groups of sameness, to make us feel needed, wanted, normal and whole. There are cliques in blogging circles, and the longer I spend on Twitter, the more I notice cliques everywhere. Some that I’m included in, some that I’m on the periphery of, and some that I’m excluded from.
In a very small way, this group behaviour reminds me of the study, epitomised in the Banlity of Evil where ethically questionable experiments illustrated how the majority of people will, given an authoritarian figure and the right environment commit morally reprehensible acts in accordance with group norms. I’m not saying cliques are evil (of course) or morally questionable, but that the act of inclusion necessitates exclusion and that is completely ordinary, but also hurtful for those on the outside. My husband felt excluded from my extended family clique when we first started dating. Until he brought it up, I had no idea that I was even doing anything. Because I was just doing what I had always done.
For me, the desire to be included has always been very strong, but apparently I’m not very good at it myself. Most of the women in my mother’s group are good friends, and I love spending time with them, but I don’t call them for a chat, or see them outside of mother’s group. And that is entirely my doing. Because I feel awkward, and because I’m lazy. More often than not I have something akin to phone phobia. I feel anxious when it rings and I don’t particularly like using it either. This does not bode well for friendship making.
And cliques are here to stay. It’s now embedded in the social media revolution. Are you following them? Do they follow you back? If they don’t are you stalking them? Are you just a fan? Or is it an actual connection? How many comments did you get? And what would happen if even one of these online relationships morphed into in real life, would it survive, or would it just fall away?
I will try to forge another path. One where I don’t ask why aren’t I included, but who am I including? Where I find enough generousity of spirit to be proud of my own character.
It’s funny how whenever a group appears we all want to be in it, isn’t it? Doesn’t matter if we’d actually enjoy being part of it or not. I’ve never really bought into cliques. Not in high school, not now. I choose friendships with people, not with groups. But I’m with Emma – hate talking on the phone – especially at night. Night time is quiet time.
I think everyone is in a group of some kind – even if it is very organically formed. And often it’s only an outsider who would notice a clique or a group. Because there’s nothing to notice if you’re on the inside.
Oooh – sorry, where are my manners. Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro.
Thank you for the link back.I feel very much the same way an dI hope, more than anything, that you feel included in our twitter circle because I see you as a big part of my support system.
.-= tiff´s last blog ..IVIG pinup girl. =-.
I do feel completely included by you! You’re in my kindred spirit circle ;o)
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by zoeyspeak: Just blogged: Banality of Cliques, from High School to Social Media and beyond http://goodgoog.com/Pn2E…
You are totally part of my clique!
I had a weird time in H.S. I actively tried to keep myself on the outskirts. I had “popular” friends but I didn’t want to be a part of their group. What I did was date and make friends (what seemed like exclusively) with people from other schools.
These days I don’t have a lot of close friends. Maybe because I pushed everyone away for so long. Maybe because I moved over and over and over again. My online friendships have grown much deeper and meaningful than a lot of the IRL ones.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..It’s All Worth It =-.
I’m so much better at one-on-one and in a weird way online relationships are always one-on-one.
Good point. Sometimes, especially with Twitter @ messages, I forget that I’m really only interacting with one person at a time..-= Amber´s last blog ..It’s All Worth It =-.
[...] and wasn’t concerned about falling flat on my face and being incredibly embarrassed (even more so than usual) I would be rocking out these [...]
it never occurred to me that people would have a ‘no more friends’ policy, how INSANE is that? how tiny minded do you have to be to risk not meeting your newest, bestest friend ever? their loss, i say!
where we live, Zoey, would have to be the WORST for that: i waited outside my daughter’s classroom one afternoon with Mums i had known for three years, as the talked about the party THEY were all going to that weekend. it never would have occurred to them to extend a invitation, as they had all gone to school together and married each others’ brothers …
and twitter is its own beast, isn’t it? people you think you are connecting with but never follow you back, or who only respond if you ‘drop in’! as long as i keep telling myself it’s a bit of fun, and enjoy the deeper connections, no harm done!
like you, i relate best one-on-one, and that is as valid as any gaggling mob of impenetrable ‘besties’! xt
I too can relate. I struggled with cliques (and my own shyness) during high school and for several years after that.I made quite good friends through work, but there’s only so much away-from-work time you can spend with them (that said, my best friend is someone I met through work).
What really helped me boost my friend-making ability was moving to a town that is very transient and therefore had almost no cliques. People from all over the world were there without their lifelong friends and family and so were as keen as everyone else to become friends. It gave me confidence to more actively pursue friendships.
Oh, and I too HATE talking on the phone! Always feel very awkward. Thank god for message bank, and other forms of communication!