I don’t watch morning television. But if I did, this morning I would have heard you pose this question:
I don’t know why they have to blog about everything. Why can’t they just go outside and play with their kids?
Which sounds innocuous enough. But really it’s a silencing technique, a judgemental silencing technique wrapped up in an innocent-sounding question.
How would you feel if I came up to you and said:
Why are you at work? Shouldn’t you be at home with your kids? I know they are school age but you don’t stop being a mother because they are out of the house for 6 hours of the day. Why aren’t you at home baking for them so that when they finish school you are there waiting for them with baked goods. I don’t know why you feel the need to work, anyway. You are a mother, shouldn’t you be at home doing mum stuff? What is wrong with you that you aren’t wholly fulfilled by your children and spending time with them?
Doesn’t feel very nice does it?
And you know what, I bet if you saw me at the park, outside, playing with my kids, you and a bunch of others would call me an over-protective helicopter parent. Because as far as judgement goes there are no winners.
I choose to stay at home because I like it. I like cooking with my kids, I like playing outside with my kids, and I like being with them. It doesn’t mean that all of the parts of my self and my brain that aren’t related to raising children have suddenly fallen out of my head and no longer exist anymore.
And you don’t get to assume that because I have a blog it is at the expense of my children. You don’t deserve an explanation. But if you did you would know that the vast majority of all my blogging happens when my children are asleep or out and about on adventures with other family members. And I am engaged with my children most of the time. But you wouldn’t know that because you’ve already put me in a box. But I also don’t feel the need to inject myself into their play all the time. Because independent play away from me is important too.
But I think the most offensive part of this whole thing is that even if my kids were playing outside while I was blogging or watching TV or having a quiet cup of coffee or even (god forbid) going to the toilet alone that I am somehow transgressing as a mother because for a brief moment I am no longer being a mum and I am doing something for myself. I would not feel guilty about any of those things.
I write about my children on my blog because I spend a good part of my time with them. But I’m not really writing about my children, I’m writing about me. I’m writing about the joys and frustrations of motherhood, I’m connecting with other people who understand and I’m having those moments where I think ‘I am so relieved it’s not just me!’ On my blog it gets to be all about me because in my real life it is all about everyone else, all the time. And it’s my space to be creative and foster all the things about myself that I still treasure as well as celebrate how much I enjoy being a mother.
I don’t blog instead of playing with my children. I blog as well as playing with my children. And I blog because I am a writer. It makes me a better person and a better mother.
But you wouldn’t know that because you’ve already put me in the box. The box says. Writes blog. Neglects children. It’s not a nice box. So the next time you are tempted to say something judgemental, how about you think about the box I’m making for you?
Your box says Judgemental. Silencer. Anti-Feminist.
Now how do you like your box?
It’s not a nice box.
I’ll get rid of your box, if you get rid of mine.
Amen sister! Amen! x
Amen.
Right on Zoey! I don’t watch morning tv either BUT I would like to say, how are they judging blogging when I assume they expect a large number of their viewers are actually SAHMs or WAHMs or a combo thereof? How is having morning teev any less likely to detract from time with kids if that’s the judgement being made? Now, I’m off to check on the bread we made from scratch this morning and the veggie muffins we made too…cos that’s what I did (as well as a bit of blogging!) this morning.
Nice one Zoey!! I am surprised at Kylie – she’s not normally the judgey judgerson type!
Well said Zoey.
I do not like boxes at all.
Dear Kylie Gillies. What Zoey said. This is why you are my least favourite television ’personality’ (I use that word lightly). The end. From Michelle.
Dear Zoey. *high five* Love Michelle.
Dear boxes. Get stood on. Regards, Lady-who-resents-boxes.
Wow, did she really say that? I didn’t see it. I’m sorry you felt the need to justify what you do to anyone. Aside from everything you said (which I agree with 100%) you forgot to add that your writing contributes enormously to other people’s lives too. The sharing and support and laughter and ideas that we all give each other is invaluable. We are lucky to have this community. It rocks.
How sad to have an entire occupation summed up with such a dismissive question/comment. Shows a lack of insight and interest in others, in my opinion.
Well done for your thoughtful and well reasoned response, Zoey. Your children are lucky to have you as their mother. xxx
The anti-blogger backlash has begun amongst the mainstream media.
Missed this one. Probably because I was too busy neglecting my children and blogging. Sometimes I neglect them to study or take phone calls too, but I never neglect them to watch crappy morning television shows.
Oh Kylie. Let’s not judge shall we?
*Stands to applaude*You really hit the nail on the head about judgement. It goes both ways, and if you want to judge others and openly criticise them, go for it. Just remember that they can do it to you too.
Thing is when you become a mother, not matter what you do, work outside of the home, work from home, unpaid work, you are always and will always be a mother first. Your kids don’t need you holding their hand literally every step of the way. Instead of playing the “who can parent better game” how about we just leave the kids to play games?
Good on you!! It really is crap that we feel the need to have to justify what we do, whether we Blog, choose to stay at home with our kidlets, work part-time, whatever! Why the hell should it bother anyone else? Now, I’m off back to work (cos I work part-time and I’m reading this on my recess break), then in my lunch break I’ll write my Blog post for today, and after school (work) I will be dashing to the shop to get supplies for a cool activity and some baking to do with my girl tomorrow on my day off —- not that Kylie should care!
What a nasty comment. I am hoping it was thoughtless and not meant, but I am afraid that many in the mainstream media are threatened by bloggers.
Wow, beautifully said! There is way too much judgement of mums lately. Doesn’t help when media figure say things like that!
I’d also like it noted that I neglect my children to shower alone, to weed the garden, to cook dinner and to read books. Not to mention all the neglect that happens when I’m trying to do housework or fold washing.
Well said!
Yay! Very disappointed with Kylie. Actually there have been a few things she’s said over the years that have made go “Wha…?”
She seems to have quite stereotypical views of people’s roles in our society, despite her high profile career and influence. It would be nice if she used it for good instead of promulgating the same old, tired stereotypes.
Hi Zoey. I’ve only just found your blog and after this post, I am already a huge fan. You nailed it. Cas x
This is such a clever letter, thanks so much for writing it. I’ve always loved Kylie Gillies, and I didn’t hear her say this… but this is a reminder of how and why we need to support each other as women and mothers and stop judging! Very disappointed in her, but so happy that you have this written this brilliantly intelligent letter. Amy xx
Well said x
Well said!
Bloody brilliant. So well said Zoey. And agree with all the comments too. Oh and I blogged this morning while Sophie was chasing our dog around the backyard. Gosh I must be a bad mum.
Friggin’ love this Zoey x
Wow. This is why I don’t watch morning TV. What a stereotyped, uninformed thing to utter. Us bloggers have a voice, and like her we use it. Unlike her we support, connect, think, write, inspire.
Yes! This!
Brilliant Zoey, brilliant. I almost was going to say when I do blog but hey, it matters to me and my family when I do it – it is no business of hers or anyone else’s.
Hooray! Agree 100% well said .
What the..? I’m so glad that I didn’t hear her say this. I’m also glad that have written this post in reply Zoey. I am sure I would not have been able to manage it half so eloquently x
Zoey, you nailed it. Thank you!
Who is Kylie Gillies anyway?
Haha well said, girl. As if life is that black and white. I hope it was one of those stupid things people say in the moment and regret later, because it sucks the big one. If she truly meant it, I’m sorry she has to live her whole life looking through such a shortsighted view.
Well said Zoey! I usually like Kylie’s take on things – not impressed with this judgey comment. Lucky no-one told Mr W Shakespeare or Mr J Donne that they shouldn’t spend time writing! Poor form Kylie!
Oh god, where to start?? I’m no longer a mum blogger, but a mum who blogs.
1) Not all mum bloggers are stay at home mums. I can think of a few who do work outside the home. Some work from home, too.
2) I’m pretty sure mum bloggers don’t blog about EVERYTHING. We all have our line in the sand somewhere as to what we won’t blog about.
3) Mothers are allowed to have hobbies, in fact it’s something we are encouraged to do, have interests, ‘me time’, etc.
4) Wild assumption to suggest that mums are not playing with their kids to blog. The beauty of blogging is that you can do it any time, day or night.
5) Our kids aren’t permanently strapped to us. Yes, mothers are busy, but we don’t have to play with our kids 24/7. It’s actually GOOD for kids to be able to play independantly.
6) The woman sounds like a knob. What show is she on?
7) Children do this amazing thing called sleeping sometimes.
Wow, what an awesome letter! I’m totally with you on this – enough of the judgement box!! I found your blog through a link on Facebook and I admire your post! Thanks!
Will she even read this? Way to get caught up in the generalisations that the media insist on perpetuating, Kylie! Get out and actually *read* them for yourself and you’ll see we are not a bunch of “and then I made a batch of cookies and then I paid the bills and then…” just because we are parents, we blog and we are at home with children.
I’m starting to have that sinking feeling that even with this sort of well-rounded, well-said article, Zoey, we’re never going to get through to those oh-so-lofty soap-box-standers. I wonder if it’s deep-seated envy…. We are, after all, not just having our cake, hell we’re BAKING the friggin’ thing, and then we’re eating it too!! Know what I’d rather be doing.
Kirrily, that was my first reaction too. Fear/envy/competition. Bloggers are becoming a force. They are getting the attention of businesses. They are changing opinions and starting social movements.
Ugh, I agree one hundred percent. Besides, it’s not like you have to neglect your children to go on morning television, right? The poor, deprived children don’t have their mum at home when they wake up to make them breakfast, WHAT A DREADFUL MOTHER. It seems like jealousy to me – bloggers probably have more influence than most television hosts, so why not dismiss mum bloggers, so you feel better about your falling ratings.
I LOVE you Zoey, I really really do.
So graciously said Zoey! There’s really no need for a comment like that……doesn’t do anyone much good.
I love this, you are amazing..and I hope the judgemental one reads this…..xo
Farmers Wifey here btw x
This seems to come up periodically, and I agree wholeheartedly that it’s a silencing technique, quite similar to the ones used on most kinds of feminist endeavours / writings. Blogging maternity is, I believe, not only a self-actualising activity for many; it’s also, at its heart, a feminist act, because it proclaims that the maternal voice has value and worth, and stands proudly on the right of women to be individuals, to speak and be heard, EVEN AFTER THEY HAVE BRED. That’s one of the things I love most about it.
Bingo Zoey!
Beautifully written! I particularly agree with the line that your blog is all about you because in real life it is all about everyone else, all the time. What a ridiculous statement she made, particularly given she has taken a large part of her day away from her children simply to have her hair and makeup done just so she can make these judgements. makes me glad i never bother with morning tv
Great post Zoey. I’m sure she didn’t think that one through before saying it and will probably regret it. But you’ve written an important response that could be a reply to lots of other comments and situations. Really well said.
*applauds* I didn’t see the show either, because I’m not in Australia. But even if I was, I don’t waste my mornings on cheap magazine television shows. I’m far too busy neglecting my children by blogging about them.
I say, who cares? I wouldn’t have even known what she said if I didn’t see your blog post pop up in my FB news feed via a friend. She’s entitled to her opinion which is what we all do on our blogs. Write our opinions. I just choose to ignore comments like that. For the record, I didn’t blog when my children were younger but I certainly did a lot of other computer related activities like selling stuff on ebay, parenting forums etc. Didn’t make me less of a Mother or give my children less attention. Just don’t let comments like this worry you. I don’t. Do whatever you want.
Dear Kylie,Don’t you love how kids look after themselves while their mums sit on the computer all day! WHAT? They don’t do that? Oh crap… *searches madly for child*
A very, very shallow assumption indeed.
Regards,
Megan
Love this. so well written and so true. Bloggers cop a lot of judgement. While I can’t comment as mum, but i do know people don’t understand the value of blogging. The writing development. The network opportunities. The friendships. The marketing. It’s been a boost for my personal and professional development, and yet some people in the corporate world scoff.
Wow. Just wow. I often get asked “why don’t you just look after your own kids?” as if I can’t possibly look after my own and help someone elses. It’s sad that someone can’t see themselves as being capable of doing more than one thing.
OMG!!!! What a post!!!! Sorry for all the exclamation marks but I LOVE IT. You go girl. Perfectly said – just perfect. It doesn’t matter if you are a stay at home mum – you get criticized, if you are a working mum – you get criticized, if you dare to share you are airing your dirty laundry, if you say nothing at all you are cold…….beautiful post – congratulations – and now I’m off to share it.
*standing ovation* Post of the Year!
Recently, on Eden’s blog when she asked what a blog is, I said for so many it can be the difference between surviving and thriving. And you’d think a sister would have your back on that…
I detest ignorance and I detest unwarranted judgement. I hope you get a detraction x
Damn straight!
Wonder how she can say that yet she sits there on a TV Show?? What about Mums that have to work and so does Dad’s so kids are sent to Day Care or School???Wonder why people think its ok to judge others??
Love your open letter to Kylie Gillies.
Perfectly put! Thanks for being the voice for those of us that have trouble finding the words. Not that we need to justify ourselves anyway.
“On my blog it gets to be all about me because in my real life it is all about everyone else, all the time.”Amen.
Oh no! She didn’t!! Did she really say that?!??What a bitchy and judgmental statement…. How disappointing!
Great post
Great post Zoey … God forbid mums have an interest outside our kids! … A silly assumption from Kylie Gillies … and you know what they say when you ASSUME things? … You’re really making an ASS-out-of-U-and-ME …
What a fantastic post. I didn’t see the tv (I don’t watch anything either) and hadn’t heard about her comment. But my back is up if that’s what she said. Mind if I reference this in a post tomorrow? Will link, of course.
This post is disgusting. You say you don’t need to justify yourself but you just did with a bunch of jibberish. I too am a stay at home mum but I don’t need to blog about my life. Who cares if you have a bad day and you spend all your time doing housework. I happen to watch the morning show because I like Kylie gillies. I love the way she dresses modestly and how she always manages to make me smile. I have a son in prep and a 2 month old. One thing my mother told me is to always know where your children are. She is entitled to her opinion but you just turned it in one huge mole. Most of the women who are agreeing with you didn’t even see the show and yet they feel it’s ok to judge something without seeing it. How is that ok? Blogging is pretty useless if all you do is complain. Grow up and get a life.
You certainly took the time out of your modest little life to leave a little poison on someone’s page. You obviously have no understanding of the sense of community that the people agreeing with Zoey’s post encompass. Of course they’re going to show their support because they share her feelings of frustration when someone minimises their writing and journaling. What are you doing commenting on someone’s blog if you have such a dislike of reading about motherhood and people’s personal thoughts and opinions? You’ve thrown a tantrum and then have the audacity to tell someone else to grow up? Seriously. Just fuck off.
Well said Zoey xx
Morning television is garbage these days.
So really, I’m not surprised. At all.
Here here! Well said Zoey. How dare she say that? I’ve never really liked her, but now even less.
I could write a long one here, instead I will just clap loudly.
…reminds me of the MANY time as a SAHM I have been told ‘oh you just stay at home with the kids’ …I have picked up the same kinda thing with my blogging…’just a blogger’
x
I don’t find her comment innocuous at all. I’m going to venture a guess that she is not bothered by the fact that mothers are engaging in a hobby/occupation while also parenting, but that they are doing it successfully and getting noticed by the media.
How well said in defense of all choices made by mums the world over to stay home, to go to work, to work at home and everything in between. I wish the world could embrace your sentiment here. Beautiful and generous.
Nicely put, Zoey. I’m very disappointed in Kylie’s comments; I always thought she was a lot cooler than that. What is it about bloggers and blogging that mainstream media don’t like or get? I’m a little confused.
By the way, this is the first time I’ve visited your blog and I gotta say, I like the cut of your jib!
xx
Wow. Cracker of a post Zoey. Well said!
Oh wow! I can’t believe she said that. Because she is a journalist it makes it okay for her to be away from her children. The more I hear about her the less I like. She made some ridiculous comment on their about taking the time out corner away in pre-school as well. Can’t remember what it was exactly but it was insane and Koschy gave it to her. Won’t be watching her ever again. I thought women were becoming better than this
Wow… Who (as a tv personality) says that without thinking he/she will cop a HEAP of flack from the blogging community? Don’t they know that blogging is the new black?!?!Well said Zoey … I still can’t believe she said that :-/
Dear Kylie Gillies, fuck off. You worry about your children and I will worry about mine, yes? Good.
Kylie Gillies is just another uber fertile smug TV presenter who thinks she is the epitome of motherhood. Can’t stand her, Melissa Doyle or Natalie Barr.
Excellent letter. Well done for putting it out there. I couldn’t agree more.
Standard women over exaggerating, Kylie doesn’t know you, you don’t know Kylie, everyone has their own opinions, and people will always disagree. Get over it, smile, write your blog, smile again, play with your kids and stop contradicting yourself by caring so much about the opinion of someone who you say you don’t respect.