It’s a controversial parenting style that Alfie Kohn advocates in his book, Unconditional Parenting. Yes, I finally finished the book, thanks primarily to spending a few hours at the hairdresser.
In a lot of ways, it goes against almost every form of parenting advice I’ve ever read previously. And I’ll admit that it takes alot to open your mind enough to be able to absorb the information. The first half of the book is all about the theory behind it, and I’ll admit during that time, I was constantly thinking, but if I can’t do that (rewards, time-outs etc) what the hell am I going to do?
While I won’t attempt to do his detailed research justice in this post, I will try to explore what I have learnt from it so far. It’s probably the kind of thing that I would have an even greater understanding if I read it for a second time.
The idea is that conventional forms of discipline tend to be either physical, or based on love withdrawal (time outs); that rewards are manipulative and teach children to focus on what they are getting rather than what you actually want them to learn; and that praise reinforces the idea that you love them more when children do what you want them to do. And all of these things subtly and repetitively teach children that parental love is conditional upon compliance.
When you start thinking about it, it’s amazing how much I do this on a daily basis. I say ‘Good job’ all the time. When Riley does something that I ask, when she eats, when she finishes a puzzle, when she does a drawing. According to Kohn, by doing so I am constantly reinforcing the idea that I most love her, am most impressed with her and most proud of her when she does something that I want her to do, or when she achieves some external grade of success (like finishing the puzzle correctly). He also argues, that by doing so, Riley will focus far more on what she has to do to receive my approval, and less on enjoying what she is actually doing. Take the puzzle for example, if I constantly praise her when she finishes it, apparently she is more likely to not try a harder puzzle, or attempt something that she might not complete, because then she might not get my approval. And another example is sharing, if I praised her for that, she would not actually gain any interest in sharing, but just in what she needed to do to receive encouragement. In fact it was found when children were praised for sharing they were less likely to share than when they weren’t praised for it at all.
Rewards are essentially the same thing as praise, except that the reward is tangible, rather than verbal. The problem with praise is not that children become ‘spoilt’, or that they receive too much affection, it’s that every time you say something is ‘good’ or ‘great’ you are expressing a judgement. You are expressing what you value. And (the argument is made) that children then feel that they are only truly appreciated and accepted when they do what you value. This leads to another problem which is that self-esteem then tends to fluctuate based on external influences. And apparently the risk factor for self-esteem is not whether it’s low or high, but how much it changes based on other people and circumstances.
Some of the interesting aspects of the research conducted were:
- Love withdrawal tecniques leads to lower morality in teenagers
- Children who are given a reward for being nice, are less likely to think of themselves as nice people; and less likely to continue being nice when a reward isn’t offered
- Children praised for generousity, are less likely to be generous on a daily basis (it seems that rewards/praise erode internal motivation and it becomes all about the outcome)
- Children frequently praised by their teachers were more tentative in their response to questions
- Children with parents who adopt a cooperative, less controlled style of parenting are more likely to comply with parental requests
- Controlling parenting has been associated with lower levels of internal motivation, less internalisation of morals and values and poorer self regulatoin
- In the long term, punishment is ineffective at eliminating the desired behaviour
- It doesn’t matter how you respond to misbehaviour the first time, 80% of toddlers will repeat the behaviour they were talked to about or punished for
So where does that leave me? What do I do?
Kohn suggests that I replace judgement-based praise, with more descriptive language and reflective questioning. An example would be, instead of saying ‘good drawing’, I might say ‘that’s a new shape that you’ve drawn’. And that instead of time-outs and rewards, I resort to listening, talking, re-evaluating my requests to see if they are reasonable, trying to understand things from Riley’s perspective, attribute her with the best possible intentions given the facts, only say no what I really need to say no to, and only use controlling interventions when absolutely necessary. The thing I like most out of all of this is attributing the best possible intentions. Riley is at the age where she is into everything and it’s easy to assume that if she has a pen in her hand she’s going to write ont he wall, or if she picks something up she’s going to throw it, but this is far from fair.
I’m utterly and totally overwhelmed by how much I would have to change what I do on a daily basis if I was to take it on board. But I guess being aware of all the things that would have to change is half the battle.
This is how I would parent in my ideal world. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to become that kind of mother though.
While I don’t think that time outs or spankings work (I’m soooo against spanking for any reason, though I tend not to share that with most…because I sound like a freak if I tell people I don’t agree with them for spanking when there’s “danger” involved), but I’m not sure I would have the patience to “talk it out”.
Hmmmm thanks for the recap, it’s something to mull over for sure. I guess I need to start reading these books since it’s only a matter of months before it becomes applicable to my life
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Age Adjustment =-.
At the moment I’m able to be relatively creative with it. If I ask her to do something and she doesn’t respond, then I’ll repeat myself or just turn it into a game and she’ll tend to do it.
Surprisingly, most things she actually does the first time I ask her.
There are times when you have no option but to remove them from a situation against their will for safety reasons and there’s just no other way.
The more challenging aspect is changing my language in relation to her – not using judgement words and keeping my tone of voice from venturing onto the aggressive side when I’m frustrated.
.-= zoey @ goodgoog´s last blog ..The Guilty Conscience =-.
What, if anything, does the book say about general praise and words of encouragement? Like telling a child that they’re good at something…or saying “you can do it”. I guess I mean, rather than praising single acts….-= Amber´s last blog ..Age Adjustment =-.
I’ve been thinking about this myself, and think it might warrant a whole other post! The idea is that ‘good’ is a value judgement generally when used with children. So ‘good drawing’ kind of closes off engaging about what they’ve done. As opposed to asking questions about it, ‘what gave you the idea to use that shape, colour?’, or even describing it, ‘that’s a new shape you’ve drawn’ etc. The argument is that praise becomes problematic because if you aren’t as enthusiastic when they don’t finish/don’t do what you want then you are communicating that you love them less in those situations. I guess another example would be if I continually told Riley ‘good job!’ when she finished her lunch, but saying nothing when she didn’t touch it. I guess this would also communicate that I’m most appreciative of her when she does what I want.
I am so lucky to have found such a thoughtful community of mothers online!My baby is only ten months old, but I’m thinking about how I teach. I tend to base my classroom on- well, I let them know at the beginning of the year that we are going to work hard but try to have fun doing it. That way if someone is rude, or forgets their work, I remind them that it’s not in line with that goal that we’ve all agreed on (privately vs. publicly depending on how the situation is playing out, of course). Ultimately they all just want to enjoy me and enjoy each other, so our classroom is based on maintaining those relationships as we get our work done, create pieces of writing, and try to learn spelling patterns. I have varying abilities in my class, so I try not to say, “You’re good at this,” or, “You’re a natural,” because I don’t want to only say that to SOME of the kids!
It’s tough to see how to apply this to my own kid, besides praising effort not result- (and actually I think results should be appreciated- maybe that’s the balance of person vs. effort praise that I just read that a chapter of Nurture Shock is about- the whole praise issue.) As a writing teacher, I obviously want to praise what they’ve accomplished, I guess I have to also focus on the work they put in to achieve that.
SOunds like this book reminds parents to focus on the person rather than the actions they are doing – or rather, the actions vs. the natural skill- I mean, focus on what the kid is trying to get across with their “bad” behavior rather than only focusing on that behavior… it’s confusing, and I know I’m also thinking of “Playful Parenting” which I just started reading today.
I’ve added you to my reader and look forward to keeping up with your thoughts on parenting!
.-= FC Mom´s last blog ..Natural Parenting Blog Carnival: Parenting Resolutions 2010 =-.
I’ve been recommended Playful Parenting – so I’d be really interested to hear what you think of it. The Alfie Kohn thing is controversial and in a lot of way does seem almost counter-intuitive – particularly with the praise element. One of the more interesting aspect of it, was that the things we say which are intended to encourage achievement – like congratulating them for doing a nice drawing, or finishing a puzzle or building with lego – have the reverse impact! Instead of inspiring children to build on it and continue to explore and create it seems to make them tentative about trying new things because those new things might not receive the same level of encouragement.
Which is why the recommendation is to engage children in a dialogue about what they’ve done, rather than necessarily rubber stamp it with your approval. The goal being to focus on the journey and less on the outcome. With learning and the classroom Kohn advocates the same thing that children shouldn’t be encouraged to focus on grades but a love of learning/reading in general.
That being said, I’m very good with understanding the theory part of it – but think I will really struggle to change that whole achievement/reward mentality. But I think as long as I have an attitude of showing Riley that I love and accept her, regardless of what she does/doesn’t do.
Hopefully that makes sense?
[...] proud that I’ve begun our journey of unconditional parenting with our daughter. I’m glad that I finally read the book by Alfie Kohn before I had actually [...]
I need to come back and read this one fully – I just skimmed it (blame the kids).
We do time outs, but I don’t consider them “love withdraw” especially because when we first started them, Elias had to sit on our lap for a minute before we let him back down to play. We do “counting” now and he really picked up on it. Time outs are very rare – we usually just take away what he’s playing with if it gets that far.
I read about overdoing praise, but I don’t have a problem showing my children that I’m proud of them. They respond to it. I like being praised when I do a good job at work. I praise my employees at work when they do a good job.
I don’t think kids (or employees) should be praised for things you know they already do well and without a problem, however I know it would certainly lower my employees’ morale if I did not correct them when needed or praise them when they perform exceptionally.
.-= Lynda´s last blog ..Little People =-.
I’m very guilty of skimming now when I read! An interesting aspect of the book was that Kohn distinguished between what we intend as parents, and the messages children receive. So, of course, no one intends to, or actually does withdraw love by using time outs. But the argument goes, that this is how it’s interpreted by children. However, it’s not all black-and-white – I’m sure there are ways of using time outs and minimising the negative impact. And I would be comfortable doing time-outs with Riley if the time-out didn’t involve separation/isolation and I sat with her.
The praise thing is a hard thing to wrap your head around, and I found that the most difficult concept when reading the book. Partially, I think that it’s because as a society everything is conditioned towards praising achievements and successes. But I think a big part of what Kohn is saying is that while it is completely natural to show your children encouragement, praise and delight when they do well; it doesn’t need to be done with value-type statements or could be balanced by equal excitement/encouragement even when they don’t do well.
The other point that he makes is that some rewards/praise are maniuplative in nature. That is, praising them because they have done what you want them to do (such as being quiet while you’re cooking dinner). And also that rewards for desirable behaviour (kindness, generousity, etc) draw children’s attention away from the benefits of the behaviour and they become fixated on the reward (whether it be verbal praise or an actual reward).
It’s alot to take in, and I don’t think I would necessarily do absolutely everything to the letter as he recommends. But I did resonate with it. Particularly, given that I am really sensitive to how my approach to discipline with Riley has a deeper meaning to her than I might necessarily realise at the time.
Meh – I’ve heard that theory before. I seriously don’t subscribe to it. It sounds like a difference in congratulating a child for receiving an A and giving him $10 for one. Praise is an intangible reward, if a reward at all.
If I give Elias a hug because he wants to share something with me, it’s praise and a benefit of the behavior. Generally, I only praise him with, “Good jobs” and such when he does something I know he’s interested in accomplishing. Climbing the stairs, figuring out a puzzle – something that’s hard for him to accomplish.
It makes me beam when I see how proud he is of himself or says, “I did it!” Truly, I don’t understand how this dude wants people to interact with their children, but it doesn’t sound very healthy.
.-= Lynda´s last blog ..Little People =-.
[...] had an interesting response to my post on Unconditional Parenting. The most controversial aspect seems to be the issue of praise, and more specifically, not [...]
[...] had an interesting response to my post on Unconditional Parenting. The most controversial aspect seems to be the issue of praise, and more specifically, not [...]
I could disagree more with your last commenter’s assessment that “I don’t understand how this dude wants people to interact with their children, but it doesn’t sound very healthy.”Yikes.
I think Kohn’s advice does sound “out there” unless you take the time to read it for yourself. But the research on praise is clear – kids who are praise-seeking are less motivated to do an activity for their own pleasure, are more tentative when responding (b/c they don’t want to be “wrong”), and are less likely to persevere in difficult tasks. That isn’t how I want my child to be.
There are plenty of ways to interact with kids besides saying “good job.”
Why does it have to be about an adult’s praise? If your kid is figuring out a puzzle, talk about how he put the pieces together. “Look there – you made all of the edges line up so that the picture is whole. That’s pretty cool.” or “Why do you like that puzzle? Oh because it has pretty colors? That does have some nice reds and blues.”
Then you’re actually having a *conversation* with your kid – you are becoming aware of who she is as a person. Who the flip cares whether you say “good job” or not? Wouldn’t your child rather you engage in thoughtful discussion?
Besides, if we spend so much time praising our kids, then what happens when your kid doesn’t “do it himself” or messes something up. They obviously can’t get your praise, so they quit. I’d rather focus on the process of doing.
Anyway, I applaud your efforts to look beyond praise. “Good job” is such a habit in our society, but it can be broken. There are so many other ways to let your kid know that you love them and are proud of them. Kohn isn’t advocating for us to become robots!
.-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Call for Submissions =-.
“That’s pretty cool” IS praise when you’re talking about something the child accomplished.
I definitely agree you don’t want to over-praise a child OR praise them when they’ve done nothing really deserving of it. As a manager of adult human beings, it definitely motivates employees to recognize good work. I don’t think recognizing a child’s accomplishments will make them incapable of doing things for themselves.
It seems the research is talking about extremes and is then taking it to the extreme that you should not give your child positive feedback. I don’t subscribe to that at all.
.-= Lynda´s last blog ..Noah, Sick and Sleepy =-.
[...] you tell I’ve been reading my Unconditional Parenting book already? TeeHee You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You [...]
[...] do not use time outs with Riley, for a whole range of reasons that you can read about here and here. I also don’t make her say sorry. I try to model behaviour to her, so I say thank-you and [...]
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[...] of various discipline approaches. However it’s not dis-similar from some of the findings of Unconditional Parenting which found that regardless of the method of discipline used, 80% of toddlers will repeat the [...]
This reminds me of some of the research done in Nurtureshock, too, and it’s something I’ve taken to heart with my sensitive 6 yr old. We don’t praise finishing a puzzle – I say instead that I notice that he’s patient with puzzles, and keeps trying even when the first pieces don’t fit together. If I praise anything, I focus on the effort and skill-development, not the outcome.
We don’t use time-outs for punishment, instead we use them as a cooling down period. If someone in my house is so upset that they’re not listening (and I put myself in this category), they’ll get a couple of minutes in time out to calm down. Then we can talk about the problem.
And I suppose some others might think we’re pushovers with our kids. But we get down on our knees, talk to them, and try to meet them where they’re at. It makes a difference. Instead of me vs. them, it’s “what can we do to fix this together?” Our family is better for it.
[...] http://goodgoog.com/2010/toddlers/toddler/abandonment-punishment-rewards-praise/ [...]
Found this really interesting and I’m going to buy the book and read it. Never heard of it before. My daughter is 18 months old and just starting to test boundaries so it’s probably good to read it now to get some interesting ideas…